We started right away making plans, probably a little premature, but the excitement took over. In late June we went and bought a baby bed and dresser. We also bought a few clothes, but not a lot, just sleepers and some other things.
The next couple months were great. We were trying to get things ready, trying to decide on names. We had a couple doctors appointments. We got to see the baby on the ultrasound, even got some pictures and heard the heartbeat. It was just amazing being able to see the baby moving around.
In Late September the panic started. One night in bed Tabbie thought she felt as if something was coming out of her. She called the doctor and they said to rest until morning then come in to the office. We got up in the morning and got ready to head for the doctors office. When she was getting in the car, her water broke. We got to the hospital and they started doing ultrasounds and listening for the heartbeat. So far the baby seemed to be ok, but most of the fluid had came out. They really didn’t give us any straight answers about what was going to happen. We were still hoping for the best. They told us normally after the water breaks, you go into labor. They admitted her to the hospital to keep an eye on her. She was on the fifth floor and the room had like a bay window, and it seemed like I practically lived on the window sill for the next few days just thinking about different things. Wondering what was going to happen, would everything be ok? Well after a few days no labor had started so they decided to let us go home. We just had to keep our fingers crossed that no infection would develop.
We made it about 2 weeks, which put her up to 19 1/2 weeks. We had an appointment at the hospital for an ultrasound and other tests. We went in and got to hear the babies heart beat, still strong.... They also did a test for infection. Later we found out that there was an infection. I don’t remember what kind it was but they said that it was the kind that would kill a baby. Also they had to treat it or it would hurt Tabbie too. They admitted her to the hospital, and gave us the news we really didn’t want to hear. They would have to induce labor and deliver the baby. At 19 1/2 weeks there was no chance of survival either. Our dreams had now turned to a bad nightmare. I prayed and prayed for something to change but it was not meant to be. They gave Tabbie things to start labor, and it was just a matter of minutes till it started to happen. In my mind I just couldn’t think of anything but, here is a little baby whose heart is strong, it is alive and it just didn’t seem right that there was nothing to do to save it. With all our technology today, we couldn’t even save a little baby. It was just unreal. But apparently God had other plans... After a few minutes the baby was born, I stood in the corner crying as they worked on Tabbie, and I also noticed that they were checking the baby out. it kind of aggravated me that the doctor never even showed up, the nurse delivered the baby. He showed up shortly after. I remember they asked if we wanted to know the sex. I don’t remember answering but they said it was a boy. I couldn’t hardly breathe, my heart was hurting so bad. I just couldn’t deal with it. I wanted a son so bad, and to have it end this way. I really wanted my life to just end too. I never in my life realized it would be that hard to deal with a loss like that.
They had to take Tabbie to surgery to do a D&C. I don't even to this day remember what I did while she was in surgery, its all kind of a blur. After she came back, a nurse showed up and had some pictures of the baby, and a birth card with his hand and footprints. She said she had been taking care of the baby for us and wanted to know if we wanted to see him. I wasn’t real sure, but Tabbie said she did. She brought him up in a baby bed , all wrapped up. He was so tiny, like a little angel. Tabbie held him for a while, then they asked if I wanted to hold him. To this day I still regret my decision not to hold him. I was just so heartbroken, I couldn’t bring my self to do it. They asked if we wanted to name him so we decided on Jacob Alan. I wanted my firstborn to have part of my name. They asked if we wanted him baptized, I wasn’t sure about that and my mom said that a baptism is to wash away sins, and there was no way this child had any sins to wash away, he was already in heaven anyway, a guardian angel for someone.
Since Jacob was only 19 1/2 weeks it was our decision what to do with the body. They told us that they could take care of it , but I wouldn’t let any one take care of my son. It was for us to do as parents. We had him brought back to Ohio for burial. Jacob Alan Bair was buried in the Cherub Garden at Sherman Cemetery. He wore a little blue gown, and in the casket was a small Pooh bear and a letter that I wrote, and was also read at his funeral.
For months we’ve awaited your arrival, only to have it come to soon for you, For this we cry tears of sorrow. Many plans were made for you, but now we have to go on with you only in our thoughts. Knowing now that God had other plans for you, and that you are now with others we lost before you makes us cry tears of Joy. You’ll be in our hearts forever and you’ll always be our special little boy.
We love you , Mommy and Daddy
Stillborn Thursday October 8, 1992- 12:37 PM
Weight 9 ounces- Length 7 inches