What Gets Me Off......
08/11/99
Hey, now. If you've been here before, you know this
was a page of what had the potential to excite/
interest me. i realize, tho, you can't really
control these things, or even put a label on them.
Love is a wierd thing, and you may think you have
your heart all pinned out, when it turns out completely
different, right out of the blue. also, i'm figuring
out i shouldn't be so judgemental about guys, because
i'm a many flawed creature as well. i've been too
superficial in the past. it's good enough
just to be loved and love , is it not?
And be forgiven, and allowed your faults. Of course,
some physical affection never hurts anyone (it's the
exact opposite, or so i hear).
You'll never see it coming, you'll be walking along,
and you'll just turn around
one day, and never want to go back to where you
came from. if you asked me right now if i was in
love, i'd say yes. if you asked me why, i'd say i'm
not sure. if you asked me what i'm going to do when
i leave for Hiram, i'd say i have no idea, but i'm
sure it won't be easy. i'm not looking forward to
it and i don't know what i'm going to do. that's all
i can say (or think about even) right now.
08/17/99 {technically 10 minutes into 18th}
"sitting down by my window, just looking out at the rain
something came along, honey grabbed ahold of me, and it felt just like
a ball and chain"
i don't like having no control over my head, and feeling
as distorted as i do. needing someone is one of those
things that just isn't fair to put yourself thru.
i wish sometimes i had some sort of power over my
emotions or i didn't let myself get so wrapped up in
things because it's takes so much emotional energy
being paranoid about returned feelings, and whether
someone cares, or will remember they're supposed to
see you, or care that they aren't. all this stupid
shit, i hate letting it get to me. i'm so tired of
bullshit, i really am. i care so much about so little
i think, but i can't even think for myself anymore.
i don't know if i can take this, i know i don't know
if i want to. i feel ...hurt, angry, loving, scared,
most of all confused, frustrated. love sucks.
10/23/99
so, anyways, here i am. things are much better,
i suppose. when i'm lost, i always return to one
idea, and that is what i can depend on and what i
always look to, tho it is not completely understood
by me. and sex is just an expression of love, not
some huge sinful act. i'm too tired to go into this.
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