The Demented Elf's Advice Column

Do you have a problem? Obviously you do if you're on this page;) Well, now you can have all your wacky problems solved by the magical Elfy Demento. Yes, the demented elf. Elfy, through the magic of elves, will answer your e-mails right on this page! Send in your gripes to And now, here's the one e-mail Elfy has so far recieved, along with re:


"Lately,when my girlfriend is about to fuck with me she stops kissing my prick and she says that in Christmas time she promised to Jesus Christ she won't fuck till the end of Christmas Holiday! What can I do now?"

-from "Ernesto"

The demented elf's reply:

Well, "Ernesto", how about if I come over there and beat your face in? Yheah, I'm 2 1/2 feet tall, but don't think I won't hurt you. Let me get this straight: Your girlfriend(yheah, like you have one) won't do you again 'till after the holidays? Boo hoo, motherfucker. Who gives a shit? She'll bang you again soon enough, and she's kissing your prick! I get up in the morning, and I check my e-mail and I get this shit! You think I don't have enough aggrivation? I slammed my face into the computer screen ten times! I don't need this, you pansy. You think I get any action? All the other elves are busy slaving away for Santa! And now that that no good bearded piece of shit fired me, forget it! But Santy's gonna pay. I'll let you in on a little secret: I'm gonna kill him! But first I'm gonna torture him.



-Elfy Demento