April 2002
Annie: You put your cross
on me to see it between my boobs? Don’t
you think it’s a bit sacrilegious?
Mike: God created you out
of my rib. I’d better get something
back, dammit!
Mike: Congers has the
money, but
Alison: I’m bored as fuck.
Annie: My fucks are never boring.
Cyrus: I wish I had
boobies.
DeFo: And
I thought I was a nerd!
Scott: Where’s Mike
working?
Annie:
Scott: So is he selling trunks that fit at least two people
comfortably?
Annie: It doesn’t take much to turn guys on, does
it?
Nick: No. No, it really doesn’t. I’m very, very, very, very, very hormonally charged.
Annie: Really? I always thought you were asexual.
Annie: Can’t you stop
touching yourself for thirty seconds?!
Nick: Yeah, I could.
Annie: Thirty-five?
Nick: That’s pushing
it. But for you, I’ll try. You see it’s easier because this hand [right]
is occupied, and I’m not a lefty, so I’ll put it in my pock—no, I’ll put it—no…
[clutches doorknob] Ok, that’s eight seconds…
Cyrus: $250 dildos? What are they, made of gold?
Annie: Glass, actually.
Cyrus: Won’t that be cold?
Annie: You could heat it
up.
Cyrus: Microwave your
dildo? ‘I’m going to masturbate in
approximately forty-five seconds, depending on the altitude.’
Scatergories!
“Things that make
you late” that begin with E:
Annie: Euthanasia.
Cyrus: Works for me.
“Things in this
room” that begin with C:
Cyrus: Cock-suckers.
Mike Hanlon: I walked up
the stairs and I officially feel like crap.
Me: Aw, take a nap.
Mike: I can’t…I have a New
Yorker in my bed.
Me: Uh oh, which one?! It’s not me, is it?
Mike: I only wish!
The Simpsons: Homer:
Just tell him you’re not gay, but you’ll learn.
Me: I should use that.
Cyrus: Can I watch you
learn?
Cyrus: For someone who’s
Irish and Italian, I find it odd that the only drink I’ve ever seen you with
was mine.
Me (looking at Cyrus’s license):
Cyrus, you’re 5’7?
Cyrus: On a good day.
Tamara: Who is Cyrus and
why does Mike want him dead?
Brian: I want to die with my middle finger up in
rigor mortis.
Brian (rejecting some whore):
You can petal your herpes elsewhere!
Brian (to me): You should come with a warning label.
Annie: I have nothing
against the state of
Danny (to Annie): Cyrus may
have to marry you.
Jenn: I’m
a little disappointed…I’m only on your quote list 2 times…I think I say many
more stupid things than that!
Jenn: I
broke up with Beverage for the fourth time last night. It wasn’t bad—I’m getting used to it. Actually, I’m pretty good at it!
Annie: The book is about a journey
through Hell because the character masturbated.
Jeff: Jeez, I’m so below
that, I won’t be able to get back up to Hell!
Ali: Hey Mike, wanna do some Bio?
Genetics are fun.
Mike: Nah, but you’ll have
to take some Chemistry, right?
Ali: Yeah.
Mike: Good, Chem is better than masturbation and sex. …I think I just scared myself.
Ali: Yeah, me too.
Nick [under my screenname to Hark]: Are you wearing any super-decompresso
anti-cleavage uni-boob gear?
Hark [knowing it’s Nick]: I can, but I have to ask Nick permission
before I take things from his closet.
On T’s barging into my room (with Mike) at
Me: You’re lucky we’re not naked.
Tamara: I’m lucky you’re
not naked.
Me (to Mike): Did you bring any destructive weapons with
you?
Mike: My penis will take over the world.
Alison: Italian guys are
sexy.
Mike: Thank you.
Alison: You’re Italian?
Nisha’s Ideal Dessert: “Apple Shiznit.”
Annie: Ooh, tomorrow I can
wear my red halter, black pants, and fluffy red shoes.
Mike: To the Zoo?!
Nisha (to Alison):
[readjusts her shirt]
This is for your sake, so the waiter can look at your cleavage.
Alison: I have the perkier cleavage, so he’d just
look at mine anyway.
Veran: Did
you dye your hair red?
Nisha: No,
I decided to go blonde.
Mike: If I were a meter
maid, I wouldn’t ticket your car if it were here for 100 years.
Annie: Yeah, Studly’s a charmer.
Mike (to a C230
he saw on I-95): You might look good in
the front, but you definitely take it
in the ass.
Mike:
Jenn (describing her latest boy toy): Good grief Annie! He’s an idiot!
Nisha: My
goal is to get my skin a Brazilian bronze color.
Annie: My goals include
getting a PhD. What priorities.
Jo: Don’t hate me for my
boobs, cuz they’re not real.
Mike Gill: The radius of
bitchiness hasn’t reached here yet.
Annie: Is that a challenge?
Mike: I don’t dare say yes…
Jo: I’m not a guy. I don’t understand how balls work.
Jo: I’m not that kind of
girl!
Annie: I am.
Alison: So when are we
going to go shooting, my dear?
Annie: When do I PMS?
Alison: Sooooo…anytime? We badbitches give
a new meaning to the term PMS…[Pre-menstrual…Presentlymenstruating…and Postmenstrual] Bitchiness. I like to call it our PMB.
Alison: I don’t think I’ve
ever told you, but…you’ve got big boobs.
On the possibility of Annie having twins:
Alison: Think of all the
chocolate you’d have to consume to properly feed 3 people! It’d be magnificent!
[Over the phone]
Annie: Indy’s a better
conversationalist than you are.
Dad: You wanna talk to Indy?
Hey Indy, come ’ere. . .
Jeff (to me): Can you be my
Mom at school?
Kelly: Why am I going [to
the InCon] again?
Me: Because you love us.
Kelly: Oh, ice cream. That’s right.
Tamara: What? Does he actually expect to find someone
better than me?!
Annie: Damn right! I’m already taken!
Tamara:
God help me if I ever have a daughter like you.
Annie: Chances are, you will.
On Freeballin’ it:
Mike Hanlon: Yeah…so I am
in sweatpants right now…I just hope I have some self control, if you catch my
drift.
[On the phone]
Mike: [explicit content]
Annie: You’re not still in
Rite Aid, are you?!
Alison (to Annie): I’m not
calling you a fatass—I’m just saying you have 
an ass!
Cyrus: I don’t wanna
overload on drugs till I’m famous.
[At Late Nite]
Annie: Stop humping the
turnstile!
Nick: But it’s inanimate and it moves!
Mike (to Annie): I can see
your Mom driving a Lexus…off a fucking cliff!
Annie: Housekeeping. You want towel?
Brian: You want me jerk you
off? (No, Mike no likey-likey)
Brian: I’m the man, what
can I say.
Justifying that Adam was a fatass:
Annie: Come on, it was the
Garden of Eden. It was probably all
Italian food!
Mike: Really?!
Annie: That’d be my
At Hammerjacks:
Alison (to Annie): I’m
surprised you can dance!
Alison (to Annie): Why
wasn’t I sandwiched by the two Italian Stallions? I must not be able to dance as well as
you.
Jenn (about Tamara): Oh no, she’s in T-Rex mode!
Annie (to Jo): Ooh, you
have one of those two-way phones.
Mike: A bisexual phone?!
Mike: You look like ants on
a log.
Kim: I’m not green! My arm doesn’t have bumps!
Annie: Do you like my toe socks?
Mike: I can’t take you anywhere!
Jenn (at dropping a piece of chocolate layer
cake): A casualty of war!