Only a few years later, from the age of eight or so, I was launched in on the serious learning. I have learned how to read, write, sketch, compose, and act in more languages, styles, and with the methods from more schools of thought than anyone could possibly need. Not long after that we started in on the philosophies of the ancient world. Actually, I should clarify: we learned something of all of the philosophies that anyone could find. Heavens forbid we should be limited to the ideas of only a few societies. We studied some of what I now find is commonly known, western philosophy, as well as the lesser known, but still deemed important, eastern schools of thought. I never realized, however, how remarkable it was until just this past year that we spent an equal amount of time attempting to decipher the ideas of societies in the Americas and in Africa. Personally, I was actually a decent hand at speaking the languages of several South American societies by the time I hit fifteen. Remarkably it's been useful for one of my current classes, "early civilizations." Unfortunately this means that my professor singles me out in class on occasion to read some of the texts he has unearthed in the original language. I really don't need more things to separate me from my peers. I don't really know how to relate to them in the first place.
I?ve spent so much of my life reading, writing, analyzing and performing, and so little of it just being. When I first got to my current university, hardly anyone could understand what I was saying. My accent, vocabulary and other lingual peculiarities have thoroughly isolated me from my peers. Now I can "walk the walk and talk the talk," as that amusing little phrase goes, but I?ve already been branded as the foreigner, and I don't even really have a homeland to go back to, or other compatriots around to sympathize with me. It's so lonely to be so completely strange to all those who interact with you in person. I find that sometime I..."
in the background, Mara heard her alarm suddenly blare and she jolted, startled. "Hmm," Mara mused aloud, "I probably shouldn't really have started writing about that, anyhow. No one wants to read about my misery." Quickly Mara gathered together her books and dashed off to class.
* * * * *
"I just can't do it anymore. I can't cope with the constant ridicule, general lack of any understanding.... I don't know. I?m just too different to survive here." Mara sent the thought through the messaging program that seemed to constitute her only social life line. "you don't have too much more to go. just two more weeks," replied her good friend, Gabriel, whom she used to know only as "Voltaire's_Sun." Since Mara discovered her niche in an online, philosophy-oriented community, life had been somewhat easier for her. Finally she seemed to have found some small number of people who actually accepted her, despite her odd upbringing. "I know, Gabriel, but I don't know that life will be better at home. If I really have a home. I wonder sometimes now."
Mara reminisced yet again about the multiple visits she had made to Gabriel?s campus. His school had so many foreign people that she actually seemed relatively at home there. Granted she wasn?t like most: exchange students from interesting places, like Ghana, Peru and New Zealand, but somehow it had the same effect. The whole campus was just so much more accepting.... ?Sometimes,? reflected Mara, ?I just want to blend in, despite all my protestations of lack of individuality when I?m home. How funny.?
"Only two weeks left," mused Mara, "and then only one summer back home. Assuming I get accepted to Gabe?s school..." Mara looked over at the Word document sitting on her desktop. She had entitled it "hope," rather melodramatically, but really it was her only hope; the only escape she could see at the moment. It was a simple essay, but one that required and represented a lot of power for her.
Mara turned back to Gabriel?s message and typed, "Do you really think your school will admit me? I don't have all those standardized tests or anything like that..." "your grades are more than adequate, and from what I?ve seen of your writing? they'd be idiots not to. this will work for you. it has to," Gabriel?s reply flitted quickly back to Mara, so much more assured than she could ever manage to be. "I only hope he's right," Mara informed her monitor.
* * * * *
Finals week and other torture devices seemed so much more worthwhile with the hope of release ahead.... Mara packed up her things after her last exam with some reluctance, especially when she got to her computer, and prepared herself for the long bus ride, followed by a car trip, home. ?It?s really a pain for the community to be so isolated from anything major,? Mara thought. ?I suppose, though, it?s really what they wanted. Maybe it works for them. I wish I could think of the community as ?us.??
* * * * *
?It?s hard to believe it?s only been a year since I?ve been away,? was Mara?s thought as she returned home for the summer. She looked around at the picturesque beauty and simplicity of the community she grew up in, feeling highly appreciative of its wonder, feeling nostalgic, and yet also completely alien in some ways. Mara noticed a familiar face running toward her from one of the small cabins.
"It's so good to see you again!" gushed Kate, one of those who used to tutor Mara when she was younger. "It's good to be back," replied Mara half-heartedly. "So much has been happening around here in the past year! I?m sure we can get you all caught up over dinner, though," Kate enthused. Mara just barely stopped herself from replying, "spiffy," sarcastically. These people didn't really deal with sarcasm, and that was Gabriel?s phrase. Mara tried not to think about how much she missed Gabriel already, and how bad it was going to be not talking with him at all for a whole summer. ?Well,? thought Mara stoically, ?at least I can make sure I?m well-prepared for my schedule next semester in terms of reading and research. Assuming I have a next semester.? Mara sighed and docilely followed Kate over to the communal dining hall.
* * * * *
?So Alexander and Suzanne had twins last month! Tristan and Baldur are the most darling boys you ever saw!? Kate prattled on merrily as usual while Mara thought about how odd life was here. ?They named their son ?Baldur?? Do they have any idea what would happen if this poor boy went out and joined the real world?? Mara mused.
Kate continued on, now having moved on to local politics. ?So Ryan decided that he was fundamentally unhappy with his leadership, and has given over his position of moderator of the council. It looks like Trent will volunteer to take on the added responsibilities, which is good, because Marc, who was moderator-pro tempore looks rather worn with the position already.? ?It?s odd,? Mara thought, ?how little anyone seems to care about politics over here. I guess it?s refreshing comparatively. We haven?t really got such awful practices here.... it?s just the relative isolation and lack of any independence.... ugh.? Mara had certainly already paid dearly for being so accustomed to a system of cooperative enterprise. The transition to an American university had been insanely difficult for one who had never really had to do everything on her own before. While she had adjusted relatively quickly, her first quarter?s midterm grades had reflected her difficulties to a large extent.
?So, anyhow,? Kate continued, ?what with people joining us and sons and daughters like you running off to school there?s been rather a bit of turnover here lately. We now have one hundred sixteen people in residence--ah, wait. Since you?ve returned, one hundred seventeen.? Kate smiled broadly. ?I don?t know if I?ll be staying, Kate,? Mara mentioned, speaking gently. ?I?m applying to transfer over to another university.? ?Oh. I hadn?t realized. What made you decide that, Mara??
Mara paused for a minute and poised herself. Kate had always been very kind to her, and sometimes seemed rather understanding, but it was obvious how much Kate loved the community. Mara momentarily unsure as to how she might phrase her words without sounding overly critical. ?Well, Kate.... You?ve noticed how I never really seemed to fit in quite as well here as you do? I thought I?d find some answers when I went off to university. Well, I suppose I did to some extent. Have you been outside, Kate? At all?? Kate shook her head and shrugged, ?I?ve never seen any reason to leave.? ?Oh,? replied Mara, leaving silence to descend for the first time between the two of them. After a pause of a few minutes Mara decided to just dive in and attempt to be politic, but not to mince her words too much.
?Honestly there are a lot of really fabulous things about this community. I?ve learned an incredible amount, much more than I?ve learned at university, an institution which is supposed to have learning as its primary purpose. I can see that I?m much more open-minded and well-rounded than most of my classmates. I do love learning.... but somehow.... book learning isn?t enough. It isn?t fulfilling for me. I have so little real world experience....? Kate looked ready to interject, but Mara gestured that she needed to continue. ?I understand that it?s worked out for you: you?ve never felt any reason to leave the community, and what interaction we?ve had here certainly provides for us to be functioning members of our own society. Unfortunately I just don?t think that?s where I want to head with my life.
?Everyone has always attempted to be highly inclusive here. This is a very tight-knit group, and you all stress cooperation and togetherness, and it?s very peaceful and whatnot for you all, I?m sure. Somehow, though, I?ve never really fit. I don?t know why, but I?ve never really felt that participating in things that are strictly group efforts are really entirely fulfilling. I want to know who I am, who I could be. I feel like there?s no individual happiness here, just an overall amiability amongst the whole group. There?s no one here who will ever really know me, and know who I really am.... Including myself if I stay here.?
Mara paused and looked up. Kate looked somewhat saddened, but Mara could tell that it was a resigned look. Obviously Kate could see the sense in Mara?s words.
?I want to tell you that I?m forever grateful for how tolerant everyone is, for how much freedom we have, how much you have tried to accept me for who I am.... It just doesn?t happen to be what works for me. So I think I?ve begun to find what I want to do, what I want to be... I have just found it very hard, because I?m almost like a newborn in terms of experience out in the real world. Despite all the learning I had before starting classes, I still had an inordinate amount of difficulty with so many of them because I just didn?t really understand any of the cultural context everyone else took for granted. I?ve learned a lot since then from my friends online.... Oh. Computers are another thing you probably don?t really know much about. I have friends now out there, for the first time. I know everyone here is friendly, but they don?t find value in me, personally. My friends value me just for myself, and think I?m special.... I must sound so conceited. I have no idea how to describe....? Mara trailed off and sat deep in thought for a while.
* * * * *
After dinner Mara decided to talk with Ryan, who had been the council?s moderator for as many years as she could remember. She still felt vaguely guilty for her seeming thanklessness, and needed to find reason and justification somehow.
?My father really believed in this idea of utopia with all his heart. I remember I was only nine or so when he helped to start it, but then I never really understood his dream,? Ryan mused. ?It seems so long ago now, but once... I actually rather liked the real world, and I hadn?t wanted to leave at first. Living here was dreadfully boring and lonely for a young boy. We started out with only about twenty five people: five couples, three families, only two of which had children my age, some few single people, and my father who brought my sister and I with him. My father used to tell me how I whined endlessly that I missed playing video games.? Ryan chuckled. When I was your age, I left for school as well. I?ve even got a two-year degree. I just didn?t really enjoy that life. I didn?t fit, as you seem to feel you don?t fit here.?
Mara looked slightly shocked. ?Yes,? replied Ryan, ?it?s pretty easy to tell that you?re not too comfortable here. I?m sorry, but it?s perfectly understandable, really.
?When my father and his friends started this community they had several ideals in mind. They wanted a community that would be separate from the outside world, isolated and self-sufficient. They believed in pacifism, and were disturbed by the violence in the outside world. They wanted an enlightened community of individuals who respected each other, the environment and all living things. Personally, I feel we?ve been remarkably successful, and I?m proud to be a part of it.?
?Oh, I don?t mean to imply--? Mara interjected, but was cut off by Ryan as he continued, ?I know that you aren?t disapproving of these goals, I understand what you?re saying. It just doesn?t happen to be suitable to you.? Mara nodded emphatically. ?I really feel that the efforts you?ve made are spectacular. The sense of unity you all seem to have...? Mara trailed off, a note of envy in her voice. ?I do want to thank you , though. If not for the freedom this community allows..... even encourages, I?d never have found where I want to be. I?ve had such a wonderful opportunity this past year, and I hope that next year I?ll be satisfied. How selfish I sound!? Mara shook her head, distressed.
?No, no, I approve entirely, Mara. You know that we don?t want anyone to be miserable, and we make every effort to help those who would rather leave. There?s no reason that you should be happy with things that are planned out for you. We?re all meant to follow different paths in our lives, and it just happens that some of ours merge well, and others don?t.? Mara nodded gratefully and continued, ?I guess I just want to express to you how thankful I am. After seeing such a contrast at school, I now more fully understand the ideals of this community, and it really is remarkable. I don?t think there are too many governments out there as encouraging of criticism as this one is. We have so few restrictions and so many privileges, it seems. Honestly I wonder what?s wrong with me for wanting to leave....? ?It?s really okay. Really. What we all want most is for you to be happy.?
Finally Mara looked up at Ryan and just smiled. Half sad, half ecstatic, but wholly satisfied, Mara paused a minute before merely replying, ?Thank you.?
* * * * *
The summer passed by comparatively quickly, with so much to do every day. Mara especially enjoyed her turns in the kitchen cooking for the communal meals, as she found it very satisfying to make healthful, enjoyable food after her year on a college meal plan. Every once in a while Mara almost felt like she was a part of the group, but somehow there was always a little undercurrent of unhappiness, and she desperately missed Gabriel and her other friends. Still, it was a pleasant enough existence, singing while chopping carrots, talking philosophy while repairing clothing, and learning whatever she wanted in her spare time.
After a month and a half of waiting, finally Mara received the news she so desperately longed for: she was accepted at Gabriel?s university. Mara actually cried for a good bit, and went off to the solitude of the surrounding forest to commune with the natural world and feel ever so grateful, not for the first time in her life, for what she had received.
The rest of the summer flew by as Mara looked forward joyously to the coming months and started in on material for her classes a bit early. The driest of tomes were pure happiness and light as she thought of finally being with people who would see her as a distinctive person with merits of her own.
* * * * *
The following Autumn, Mara packed up her things and returned to the outside world. She would really have to stop thinking of it as the outside world, though. ?I?m going to be here. For a good while, too,? she thought, as she smiled in perfect contentment.