----- LESSONS -----
Season 7, Episode 1

Giles: Here's everything that happened in last year's sub-par season. Don't blink or you'll miss it, and we are so not doing this again. Take notes now, or else---
Russian Girl: S'cuse. This is nice and all, but, what do you have to do with me and my impending shishkebob?
Giles: Ah. Look everyone! It's the new season arc!
Russian Girl: Help me! Or... something.
Giles: (clicks his tongue) Can't you do something constructive, new story arc?
Russian Girl: *SPLAT*
Giles: First, ew. Second.. that's your definition of "constructive"?

Buffy: You must remember who has the power, young grasshopper.
Dawn: Me! I so have the---
Vamp: Grrrr.
Buffy: *siiiigh* *STAKE* And this Kung Fu Legend goes down in flames.

Giles: The magic is a part of you now. You are the sorceror's stone! You are--
Willow: Boy, are we trying to cram in every possible pop culture reference here, or what?
Giles: FOCUS!
Willow: Sorry, Master Jedi.

Dawn: It's horrible!
Buffy: A monstrosity!
New High School: *waves*
Both: NOOOOOOOO!!! It burns, it burns!
Xander: *whimper* I helped build it you know.

Buffy: Hmmm. Dead people screaming at me. Yep. School's in again.

Buffy: (bursts in classroom) Dawn! I have to--
Dawn: --- embarrass me infront of the entire school?
Buffy: (pause) Uhm. Yeah, pretty much.

Hallie: Good coffee.
Anya: Good coffee.
Hallie: Vengance is nice.
Anya: Vengance is nice.
Hallie: Except you suck at it.
Anya: Except I suck at--- Hey!!

Buffy: Xander, they're back!!! The super evil to end all evils!!!
Xander: *GASP* Damn cheerleaders.

Dead Guy #1: Gimme a Z! O!
Dead Girl: Gimme an M! B!
Dead Guy #2: Gimme an I! E!
All Three: Goooooo Zombies!
Dawn: Well, at least they're showing their school spirit. Ha! Get it? "Spirit"? "Spir--
Kit: Ugh..... the..... jokes...... (faints)

Willow: (SCREAMS) The Hellmouth is gonna open and swallow us all!
Giles: Blast! Well, I'll be------ again?!

Dawn: (on cellphone) Buffy! I fell through the floor and I'm being Zombie-stalked. But it's cool. See, I just made these two new friends who know all about evil already and we're thinking of hanging out like some Scooby---
Buffy: No! (hangs up and starts running) Must... stop... lame... sister... spinoff...

Spike: Miss Mary Mack cracked her back on the lavender tilt-a-whirl. She ate a squid condo and---
Buffy: Hmm. Looks like somebody enrolled in the Drusilla School of "My Brain's in the Kokomo" over the summer.
Spike: Ooo! Good song. (sings) "Aaaarruuuba... Jamaica... Ooooh, I wanna take ya..."
Buffy: I... have some zombies to go kill. Very now-ish before another refrain from the Bleach Boys.

Zombies: Arrrrrr! We'll kill you, we will, we will!
Buffy: Time to save the day again with my amazing slayer skills! Nobody can do what I can do!
Zombies: *POOF*
Buffy: Wha--?
Xander: (sticks his head through a hole in the ceiling and looks down) I found this shiny thing 'ere on the floor and it looked all talisman-ey, so I kinda shattered it before it could cause any trouble. Work okay?
Buffy: Meh. Unless that mere 'nobody' is Xander.
Xander: Hey! I'm a very large nobody, thank you very much! I'm a somebody-nobody!

Principal Wood: Hey, you saved the day, kid. Plus, you spared me the embarrasing weekly call to the coroner's office. Want a job here? The mortality rate--- eer, I mean MORALE rate here is very high.
Buffy: I should be seeing where the nearest exit is, but since I'm a little strapped for cash... sure!

Season Evil: I'm baaad!
Spike: Yeah? How bad?
Season Evil: Real bad. R-real, real bad. Cause... cause... uhm... (pauses) I can do tricks!
Spike: (singsong voice) I'm not convi-inced.
Season Evil: Well, erm... watch this.... **MORPH*
Warren: Hey. **MORPH**
Glory: Hiya. **MORPH**
Adam: Howdy. **MORPH**
Mayor: Whazzap? **MORPH**
Drusilla: Whisperin' shoe weasles. **MORPH**
Master: Hahahahahaha! **MORPH**
Buffy: Getting the theme--- **MORPH**
Season Evil: --- by now?
Spike: I was with you right up until the end, there, but... coooooool!

(The little Grr! Argh! demon rushes across the screen, morphing into Joss Whedon as he goes along)

5MB ----- next