BARGAINING - Pt. 1 -----
Season 6, Episode 1
Guest Fiver by Xander
TARA: Killing vampires is a lot harder than Buffy made it
XANDER: Just now picked up on that, huh? We still havent gotten rid of Bleached Bozo here.
SPIKE: Excuse me? Bozo? Soddin pot callin the kettle stupid.
ANYA: Well, it could be worse. We could be doing this back on the WB.
GILES: Absolutely right. But, as all our fans know, were-
WILLOW (telepathically): Now on UPN! Come see us!
GILES: Dammit, Willow, that was my line!
WILLOW (telepathically): Sorry, Giles. But it sounds better in this eerie mind voice.
SPIKE: Tasters Choice envy, Rupes? Or mad that youre not the only sexy guy with a British accent on the show?
BUFFYBOT: I think hes very well equipped to-
EVERYONE: Shut up!
TARA: Ready for school, Dawnie?
WILLOW: Well, too bad, cause guess whos going with? Everyones favorite sexbot!
BUFFYBOT: Hello, sweet sister!
DAWN: This is to get back at me for that whole mystical glowy Key thing, isnt it?
WILLOW: Bingo, baby. So, off you go.
TARA: Wait. How do we know that people will think BuffyBot is the real Buffy?
XANDER: Hi, ladies. Hi, Buffy. (stops) Buffy! Youre back! Did you know we had the robot standing in for you? What are you doing to my arm? No, no, dont stop
TARA: I really dont think thats a good acid test. Xanders not the brightest bulb on the tree
ANYA: My store!
GILES: My statue!
XANDER: My head. Stop it, you two.
ANYA: Wow, Giles, we sunk a long way. Were lower than my fiancée on the maturity scale.
GILES: Really? Oh dear God.
XANDER: OK, what is this? Pick on Xander Day?
GILES: Season, actually. (turns to Anya) Wait. Your fiancée?
ANYA: Oops! Pretend you didnt hear that.
DAWN: I couldnt believe it, but they liked the BuffyBot at school.
SPIKE: So they wanted to offer her a teaching position?
SPIKE: And this was after she offered to show her spark plugs to the principal?
BUFFYBOT: Youd think if I was a sentient robot, Id be almost unbeatable.
FAT VAMP: Slash! Hey, your heads made of metal!
BUFFYBOT: Then again
WILLOW: So guys, do we have everything?
WILLOW: If you have any sensible objections, speak now or forever hold your-
XANDER: I have something.
WILLOW: If you have any sensible objections, speak n-
XANDER: I said, I have something.
WILLOW: If you have any s-
XANDER: OK, OK, I get it. Ill shut up.
WILLOW: Good. Brace for ominous music! (everyone ducks) Were bringing Buffy back.
TARA: See it here, on UPN!
GILES: Dammit, I missed another chance!
BUFFYBOT: Im injured! Wheres Willow?
SPIKE: You mean the funny little bloke with the glasses and striped cap? Saw him in a book just the other day.
WILLOW: Thats Waldo, Spike.
SPIKE: And once again, the male characters on this show fall short.
BUFFYBOT: I dont see why I have to train. Im a robot. Surely you could program me with all the fighting skills I need.
ANYA: Actually, we could. But we need to do something to make Giles feel useful.
GILES: Excuse me! Im right here!
ANYA: Yes, I know. Training the robot. While Im running the store.
GILES: Yes, that reminds me. (turns to camera) Remember, for all your magic needs-
ANYA (to camera): Please stop by Buffys Magic Box! Now on UPN!
GILES: I get no respect.
FAT VAMP: So, I was fighting the Slayer, and shes a robot!
MAG: What if hes telling the truth, boss?
RAZOR: Well, if he is, the robot probably fights as well as the Slayer. Sorry boys, no Hellmouth festival tonight! (the demons groan)
FAT VAMP: And I have some more info. This episode was co-written by Marti Noxon. And Buffys moved to UPN!
MAG: That means logic is out the window!
RAZOR: Boys, lets ride. I smell a party comin on.
DEMONS: With candles and cake? Ooh, and party favors? We like party favors.
RAZOR: Mom said Id picked a lousy gang. No, I told her. No
WALT DISNEY: Bambi! Bambi, where are you?
WALT: There you are. Ive been worried sick. And-AAA!!!
WILLOW: Hi. Want some Heart-on-a-Stick?
WALT: Dear God, no!
WILLOW: Stick around, pal. The knifes still sharp, and I owe you something for Aladdin 2 anyway.
GILES (voiceover): Everyone, Im getting tired of you interrupting my every line. So Ive decided to go back to London. Maybe there, the BBC will-
EVERYONE: Hi, Giles!
TARA: We just came to see you off! Grr, argh.
GILES: I cant even finish a bloody voiceover. Take my name off the credits at once!
WILLOW: Finally! I thought hed never leave. Now my names at the end of the credits! Go Willow, go Willow
ANYA: So, were all here at the graveside.
XANDER: When does the ritual start?
TARA: Shh! Willow has to have total silence. Shes invoking the darkest god known to man.
ANYA: No! You cant mean
TARA: Yes. Daytime television.
WILLOW: Jerry Springer, accept our offering
JERRY: And we certainly will, on our next show, Lesbian Witches Who Defy Mortality!
AUDIENCE: Jerry, Jerry
JERRY: In the meantime, stay tuned for the rest of this Buffy episode
XANDER: Here on UPN!
ANYA: Xander, sweetie, its gotten old.
XANDER: I dont care! I hadnt gotten to say it yet!
RAZOR: OK, boys. Tear this town up.
BUFFYBOT: Oh, I dont think so.
RAZOR: Funny. I dont seem to remember giving you a vote. Get her, boys!
BUFFYBOT: You really think you can take down a badass fighting robot? (gets tackled by ten demons) Next time, I get paid scale for this. (has her chest slashed by Razor) Thats it! Im sick of being a kicked-around sexbot. Im gonna go find a new show.
SPIKE: Look at those wankers, huh?
DAWN: Lots of demons. But wheres the BuffyBot?
DEMONS: Hi! Be afraid of us!
TARA: Oh no. Shell ruin the ritual!
ANYA: Please. All of us saw that coming back in Act II.
XANDER: Oh my God! Its the BuffyBot! Shell spoil everything! Oh, rotten surprise!
TARA: You date him
ANYA: I know, I know.
DEMONS: Umm excuse us? Were supposed to make an entrance here.
BUFFYBOT: Jerry! Please take me! You could do a show on me. Like, I Was a Teen-Age Sexbot. Or, The Secret Loves of Rupert Giles. Just get me out of here. (steps on Urn of Osiris) Umm whoops.
WILLOW: Youve ruined everything!
DEMONS: We could come back later if its too much trouble right now.
RAZOR: So, how did things go?
DEMONS: You should have seen it. We broke this really cool urn! And saw a dark god!
BUFFYBOT: Umm hi? I broke the urn, not you.
DEMONS: By the way, heres your bot.
BUFFYBOT: And Giles thinks he gets no respect.
GILES: Bloody well right.
(Close on Buffys grave. Move to inside the coffin. Buffy revives.)
BUFFY: Oh no. Not again.
(The little Grr! Argh! demon does the Robot across the screen)
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