----- BARGAINING - Pt. 1 -----
Season 6, Episode 1
Guest Fiver by Xander

TARA: Killing vampires is a lot harder than Buffy made it look.
XANDER: Just now picked up on that, huh? We still haven’t gotten rid of Bleached Bozo here.
SPIKE: Excuse me? Bozo? Soddin’ pot callin’ the kettle stupid.
ANYA: Well, it could be worse. We could be doing this back on the WB.
GILES: Absolutely right. But, as all our fans know, we’re-
WILLOW (telepathically): Now on UPN! Come see us!
GILES: Dammit, Willow, that was my line!
WILLOW (telepathically): Sorry, Giles. But it sounds better in this eerie mind voice.
SPIKE: Taster’s Choice envy, Rupes? Or mad that you’re not the only sexy guy with a British accent on the show?
BUFFYBOT: I think he’s very well equipped to-
EVERYONE: Shut up!

TARA: Ready for school, Dawnie?
DAWN: No.
WILLOW: Well, too bad, ‘cause guess who’s going with? Everyone’s favorite sexbot!
BUFFYBOT: Hello, sweet sister!
DAWN: This is to get back at me for that whole mystical glowy Key thing, isn’t it?
WILLOW: Bingo, baby. So, off you go.
TARA: Wait. How do we know that people will think BuffyBot is the real Buffy?
XANDER: Hi, ladies. Hi, Buffy. (stops) Buffy! You’re back! Did you know we had the robot standing in for you? What are you doing to my arm? No, no, don’t stop…
TARA: I really don’t think that’s a good acid test. Xander’s not the brightest bulb on the tree…

ANYA: My store!
GILES: My statue!
XANDER: My head. Stop it, you two.
ANYA: Wow, Giles, we sunk a long way. We’re lower than my fiancée on the maturity scale.
GILES: Really? Oh dear God.
XANDER: OK, what is this? “Pick on Xander” Day?
GILES: Season, actually. (turns to Anya) Wait. Your fiancée?
ANYA: Oops! Pretend you didn’t hear that.

DAWN: I couldn’t believe it, but they liked the BuffyBot at school.
SPIKE: So they wanted to offer her a teaching position?
DAWN: Yup.
SPIKE: And this was after she offered to show her spark plugs to the principal?
DAWN: Uh-huh.

BUFFYBOT: You’d think if I was a sentient robot, I’d be almost unbeatable.
FAT VAMP: Slash! Hey, your head’s made of metal!
BUFFYBOT: Then again…

WILLOW: So guys, do we have everything?
ANYA: Check.
TARA: Check.
WILLOW: If you have any sensible objections, speak now or forever hold your-
XANDER: I have something.
(beat)
WILLOW: If you have any sensible objections, speak n-
XANDER: I said, I have something.
(beat)
WILLOW: If you have any s-
XANDER: OK, OK, I get it. I’ll shut up.
WILLOW: Good. Brace for ominous music! (everyone ducks) We’re bringing Buffy back.
TARA: See it here, on UPN!
GILES: Dammit, I missed another chance!

BUFFYBOT: I’m injured! Where’s Willow?
SPIKE: You mean the funny little bloke with the glasses and striped cap? Saw him in a book just the other day.
WILLOW: That’s Waldo, Spike.
SPIKE: And once again, the male characters on this show fall short.

BUFFYBOT: I don’t see why I have to train. I’m a robot. Surely you could program me with all the fighting skills I need.
ANYA: Actually, we could. But we need to do something to make Giles feel useful.
GILES: Excuse me! I’m right here!
ANYA: Yes, I know. Training the robot. While I’m running the store.
GILES: Yes, that reminds me. (turns to camera) Remember, for all your magic needs-
ANYA (to camera): Please stop by Buffy’s Magic Box! Now on UPN!
GILES: I get no respect.

FAT VAMP: So, I was fighting the Slayer, and she’s a robot!
MAG: What if he’s telling the truth, boss?
RAZOR: Well, if he is, the robot probably fights as well as the Slayer. Sorry boys, no Hellmouth festival tonight! (the demons groan)
FAT VAMP: And I have some more info. This episode was co-written by Marti Noxon. And Buffy’s moved to UPN!
MAG: That means logic is out the window!
RAZOR: Boys, let’s ride. I smell a party comin’ on.
DEMONS: With candles and cake? Ooh, and party favors? We like party favors.
RAZOR: Mom said I’d picked a lousy gang. No, I told her. No…

WALT DISNEY: Bambi! Bambi, where are you?
BAMBI: (bleats)
WALT: There you are. I’ve been worried sick. And-AAA!!!
WILLOW: Hi. Want some Heart-on-a-Stick?
WALT: Dear God, no!
WILLOW: Stick around, pal. The knife’s still sharp, and I owe you something for Aladdin 2 anyway.

GILES (voiceover): Everyone, I’m getting tired of you interrupting my every line. So I’ve decided to go back to London. Maybe there, the BBC will-
EVERYONE: Hi, Giles!
TARA: We just came to see you off! Grr, argh.
GILES: I can’t even finish a bloody voiceover. Take my name off the credits at once!

WILLOW: Finally! I thought he’d never leave. Now my name’s at the end of the credits! Go Willow, go Willow…

ANYA: So, we’re all here at the graveside.
XANDER: When does the ritual start?
TARA: Shh! Willow has to have total silence. She’s invoking the darkest god known to man.
ANYA: No! You can’t mean…
TARA: Yes. Daytime television.
WILLOW: Jerry Springer, accept our offering…
JERRY: And we certainly will, on our next show, “Lesbian Witches Who Defy Mortality!”
AUDIENCE: Jerry, Jerry…
JERRY: In the meantime, stay tuned for the rest of this Buffy episode…
XANDER: Here on UPN!
ANYA: Xander, sweetie, it’s gotten old.
XANDER: I don’t care! I hadn’t gotten to say it yet!

RAZOR: OK, boys. Tear this town up.
BUFFYBOT: Oh, I don’t think so.
RAZOR: Funny. I don’t seem to remember giving you a vote. Get her, boys!
BUFFYBOT: You really think you can take down a badass fighting robot? (gets tackled by ten demons) Next time, I get paid scale for this. (has her chest slashed by Razor) That’s it! I’m sick of being a kicked-around sexbot. I’m gonna go find a new show.

SPIKE: Look at those wankers, huh?
DAWN: Lots of demons. But where’s the BuffyBot?

BUFFYBOT: Jerry!
DEMONS: Hi! Be afraid of us!
TARA: Oh no. She’ll ruin the ritual!
ANYA: Please. All of us saw that coming back in Act II.
XANDER: Oh my God! It’s the BuffyBot! She’ll spoil everything! Oh, rotten surprise!
TARA: You date him…
ANYA: I know, I know.
DEMONS: Umm…excuse us? We’re supposed to make an entrance here.
BUFFYBOT: Jerry! Please take me! You could do a show on me. Like, “I Was a Teen-Age Sexbot.” Or, “The Secret Loves of Rupert Giles.” Just get me out of here. (steps on Urn of Osiris) Umm…whoops.
WILLOW: You’ve ruined everything!
DEMONS: We could come back later if it’s too much trouble right now.

RAZOR: So, how did things go?
DEMONS: You should have seen it. We broke this really cool urn! And saw a dark god!
BUFFYBOT: Umm…hi? I broke the urn, not you.
DEMONS: By the way, here’s your bot.
BUFFYBOT: And Giles thinks he gets no respect.
GILES: Bloody well right.

(Close on Buffy’s grave. Move to inside the coffin. Buffy revives.)
BUFFY: Oh no. Not again.

(The little Grr! Argh! demon does the Robot across the screen)

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