-----
THE GIFT -----
Season 5, Episode 22
Buffy: Major letdown. Only a 35 second 'Previously on Buffy'
recap?
Willow: Still... they did manage to include a clip from
just about every single one of our 100 episodes. Gotta give 'em
bonus credits for that.
Buffy: But we've been building up to this! I feel all hollow now.
Xander: WB SERIES finale? Hey! We're going to be on UPN
next season! We're not ending......... are we?
Spike: Just sour grapes mate. WB's bein' a bloody pansy about
loosin' us.
Buffy: So all we have to do is kill Dawn to keep the world from
being sucked into hell? Works for me! Little twerp keeps stepping
on my lines---
Tara: Staying in character would probably be a good idea right
now if you want to have a sixth season.
Buffy: Hmmm. True. But where's the fun in that?
Xander: Oh God! We're not having a sixth season!
Spike: Wha---?
Xander: That commercial! It said series finale! I was
actually watching it that time!
Spike: Bloody moron. Never listen to me, do you?
Xander: What was that, again?
Glory: It's my last episode. Hmmm. Better do something mean! Deep
and darl and evil and.... WAH! I broke a heel!
Dawn: Big K'NEX-like tower. This is the part where I should be
all scared, yes?
Glory: This is my Tower of Mayhem and Destruction and.... well,
other really scary things.
Dawn: Yawn. Still looks like a pile of K'NEX to me.
Xander: Marry me?
Anya: No! Well, maybe later...
Xander: Okay... now?
Anya: NO!
Spike: Buffy... I love you!
Buffy: Still not any less freaked out, but... What else is new?
Giles: We can't give in to our rash end-of-the-world emotions! We
must concentrate! Don't do something just because you think we're
all going to die!
Willow: (watches Xander propose, and Spike throw himself at
Buffy) Might be a little late for that.
Spike: Lots of time left, little plot remaining. Any suggestions?
Anya: RUN!!
Spike: Good idea!
Xander: Am I the only one who's noticing that's our answer to
everything these past few episodes?
Glory: Why is it that most of the time I'm onscreen this episode
I'm getting bashed around? *THUNK* Ow!
Buffy: I miss Graham? *THWAP*
Glory: Such an *CLUNK* old *SMACK* joke. *CRACK* OWW!!
Big Ol' Tower: I don't like you anymore. (Spike flies through the
air)
Spike: AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!
Spike: Don't worry! Quite alright! This pile of bricks broke my
100 foot drop! Ooo. Suddenly overcome with a need for a nap.
Nighty-night... *THUNK*
Doc: Time for my last performance before returning to Broadway...
I mean... Hell. Yes. That's where I come from. (hums a
bit of "Wilkommen") Let's see if I can get this
right... slice up the kid and... (in his best Batman voice)
Special effects AWAY!
Buffy: Ooo. Look at all the CGI!
Dawn: So that's where the special effects budget has been this
whole season. Stockpiled.
Anya: *CRASH* Nighty-night...
Xander: ANYA! NO!!
Anya: Well, Spike can't be the only one to scare the audience
with a near death scene, now can he? *THUNK*
Dawn: Ick. Doc got my new dress all smeared with this red
stuff... Oh GOD! I'm bleeding!
Buffy: No, she's not slow is she, folks?
Dawn: Buffy! My blood is the only thing that will close the evil
world-sucking porthole!
Buffy: Yuck. That's just like the amount of blood I shed when I
came back from patrol and---- Whoa. Revelation time. I can close
the porthole too. We share blood! Cool!
Dawn: Well, Geeze. That was anticlimatic... and kinda sick.
Sharing blood? Like, eeew!
Buffy: Just shut up. And.. when did you start channeling
Cordelia?
Xander: Buffy's on the plank, guys! You know what this means.
Willow: T minus two minutes to season's end.
Buffy: Just like jumping into a swimming pool. Yes, swimming
pool.... full of flamey energy that'll suck the blood right out
of my body...
Xander: She's ---
Spike: --- dead.
Willow: NOOO!!
Tara: How sa--- Hey! My brain's back!
All: (stare)
Tara: S-sorry. Just felt like sharing.
Tara: I can hear Buffy's voice! Aurgh! My brain must be slipping
again!
Spike: (mutters) We can all hear her, dipstick. S'called
a voiceover.
Tara: Ohh! Groovy!
Spike: Not quite as cured as we may think...
(LOOOOONG silence)
Xander: We done here?
Dawn: Completely.
Giles: Alright, everyone. Pitch in. Must pick up all this and
move to the UPN lot.
Dawn: UPN has a lot?
Anya: (sits up) They must have a lot. That's where they keep all
the Star Trek people locked up...
Xander: Think that chick in the silver cellophane catsuit will
pose for a picture with me?
Anya: Hey! What does that half-robot have that I don't?
Xander: Implants...
Anya: Why you sick little--- Oh. You mean the metal things.
(Camera focuses tight on Buffy's grave)
Buffy Anne Summers
1981 - 2001
Beloved Sister
Devoted Friend
She Saved the World
A Lot.
(Camera pans down lower on the gravestone, zooms in on very
small type)
Kiss our butts, WB.
UPN Rulez!
(The little Grr! Argh! demon swan dives across the screen)
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