THE ZEPPO -----
Season 3, Episode 13
Scary Blue Demon: GRRRRARGH!
Buffy: Someone should really start counting the number of episodes that begin with a scary, snarling hell-beastie.
Faith: Thinkin' world record?
Buffy: Totally Guiness.
Xander: Here I go... doping around...
(Soda machine explodes)
Xander: ... crashing into bullies...
Jack O'Toole: HEY! Watch out, idiot!
Xander: ... tripping over my own feet...
Xander: ... and setting up the episode by being 100% out of the loop.
(The Loop runs away from Xander)
Xander: Ah yes. That should do the trick.
Xander: Only one thing could happen now to make this day any worse. Hell could errupt and burst forth with some terrifying creature of darkness---
Cordelia: Hi Xander. I told you lately how much you suck?
Xander: Wow. Did I call that one, or what?
Giles: It's the end of the world!!
Buffy: Everyone is going to die!!
Willow: Demons will rule the Earth!!
Xander: Hmmm. Who wants doughnuts?
Cordelia: Hey, look. It's doughnut boy.
Xander: No mocking! It's not like I---
Cordelia: -- volunteered for this assignment? Yeah. Uh-huh.
Xander: Alright, so I suck. This has been established. Ooo! I have a car though! So, therefor, I.... *sigh* suck with a car.
Cordelia: If you listen carefully, you can hear the air seeping from his ears....
Oz: Once more I get a scene or two and am then reduced to slobbering in a cage at the end of a leash. (pause) Oh, yeah. I mean...
Oz Wolf: ARRRRROOOOOOOO!!!
Random Cop: Why look. A guy threatening another with a knife. This would be my cue to follow the cord of the Sunnydale Cop and... stare at the wall, whistlin' dixie.
Xander: The guys are facing unstopable evil, and what am I doing?
Jack: The blood of the Earth shall restore him!
Bob: (crawls out of the ground)
Xander: Making zombies with Wacky Jacky. What's wrong with this picture?
Giles: Evil approaches! For I speak Latin with creepy mood music to underscore the dire nature of this situation. Subtle drama be damned!
Xander: Cool mood music, G-man.
(Music cuts off abruptly)
Giles: You killed my music. DIE!!
Xander: Hey! Hey! I was just leaving now... off to have fun with Zombie Bob and the Rolling Headstones....
Giles: Well, as long as you're keeping yourself out of trouble.
Buffy: The world is going to be sucked into hell and we're all going to die!!
Zombies: (drive by in the background) BEEEER! CHUG, CHUG. CHUG!!
Xander: (behind the wheel) Help me.
Willow: Xander! There you are! By the way, the world's gonna end.
Xander: So I've heard. Met my new friends? They're PC Undead Americans.
Willow: Aw, that's so nice! I always said you should get involved with the foreign exchange program! Well, gotta go help save the world without you. Keep staying out of trouble.
Zombies: (light a row of trees on fire)
Xander: Oh don't worry. I won't.
Xander: Yeees! Ditched the zombies!
Faith: Take your pants off.
Xander: And the wacky just keeps coming.
Faith: Lay down, now.
Xander: Where are those lovable walking corpses when I need 'em?
Faith: Okay. That was fun. Bye-bye now.
Xander: So, those zombies were making a bomb. Now where would they go.. Hmmm. I just had sex, didn't I?
Zombies: (skip by with a big honkin' bomb)
Xander: And that's not really the vital thing here, is it? (takes off after them)
Buffy: I won't loose you again!
Angel: But it will save the world, my love!
Xander: Hey guys. What do sex and zombies have in common? My evening!
Both: (stare longingly into each others eyes)
Xander: Oh, could we be any MORE obvious that I'm not supposed to know about the unstoppable evil, here?
Xander: Chase scene! (scamper around) Look! It's the High School!
(Screetchy Psycho-esque music plays)
Xander: Yeah. I know, it's predictable. But doesn't everyone hear horror movie music when they see or even think of their High School?
Giles: My God!
Buffy: It's huge!
Angel: It's the end of the world.
Willow: At least Xander's out of the way.
Xander: (running by in the background with a big "HELP ME" sign in his hands)
Zombies: WHOA. Big world ending demon. (resume the chase) GRRRRRRAAAARGH!
Bomb: Tick, tick, tick... I'm... not... synched... with... my... own... beeps.
Xander: Ha! I win! Your bomb ain't da bomb! HAHAHAHA! Get it? "Ain't da BOMB?" Get it?
Jack: Gah! The pain of his bad jokes compells me to throw myself upon the mercy of the---- (opens side door)
Oz Wolf: (leaps out) GRRRRRR! (shreds Jack to ribbons)
Xander: Hey! Not like I was done with him yet, Oz!
Buffy: It's over. And we have all survived to fight another day.
Willow: For as long as I live, I shall never forget what I saw...
Giles: None of us--
Xander: Except for us, right loyal viewers? We know how I'm the one who saved the world from a zombie bomb and---
Cordelia: Still managed to squeeze in sex with Faith.
Xander: Way to spoil my heroic ending.
(The little Grr! Argh! demon drives Xander's car across the screen... chased close behind by Xander himself...)
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