---- SCHOOL HARD ----
Season 2, Episode 3
Guest Fiver by Carol

Snyder: Hello. I'm your new Principal. I'm here to annoy the Scoobies until I get eaten by a large CGI snake
at the end of season 3. I will also be annoying Captain Sisko of DS9 at the same time, while wearing a lot of
prosthetic makeup. So watch both, and enjoy me for the next two years.

Buffy: I can't believe I have to organize Parent/Teacher night for this Thursday!
Willow: I know. Putting the two worst students in the school in charge of it? Something bad is defiantly going
to happen!
Buffy: Excuse me?
Willow: Uh, what I mean is . . . oh, hey! Xander! Buffy's got to organize Parent/Teacher night.
Xander: Well something bad is defiantly going to happen then.
Buffy: You guys suck.

Spike: 'ello. I'm the best thing that has ever happen to this show. Sit back an' enjoy me for the next few years.

Anointed One: I'll give power to whoever can kill the slayer.
Vamp Minion: I will do --
Spike: *THWACK* -- nothing, but whatever I say to do. I will kill the slayer.
Anointed One: That was so cool! Okay, you can do it!

Drusilla: Kill tha slaya' for me, my Spioke.
Spike: Yes my Princess, I will. I mean, I've killed two slayers before. How hard could it be?
Audience: (STARES at him)
Spike: Something tells me that statement is going to become really ironic to me in a few years . . . .

Buffy: Organize Parent/Teacher night, Paint signs, French test, meet Angel at the Bronze, keep my mom from
talking to Snyder about me this Thursday, I can do it all! Just as long as I don't have to fight - -
Giles: Buffy! There's a big bad vampire thing happening this Saturday!
Buffy -- and you just couldn't let me finish that sentence, could you?

Spike: (staring at Buffy as she dances) Oi! She's hot. Want. Her. Now.
Joss Whedon: Sorry. Not for four more seasons yet.
Spike: Damn.

Buffy: Who are you?
Spike: Well, ! right now I'm here to kill you this Saturday, which starts us off as mortal enemies. However, in a
few years, your Captain Cardboard boyfriend and his GI Joe pals put a chip in my head, which stops me from killing,
so then I'll help you on occasion, for money. After a while, I fall in love with you, just before you die to save your
sister, who hasn't been created yet. You get brought back to life, and feel so detached from everything we start
shagging and become secret lovers so you can feel alive - -
Buffy: Well, this looks like the beginning of a complicated relationship . . . .
B/S Shippers: You have no idea!

Willow: That Spike guy is scary. But cool!
Buffy: Yeah, very cool!
Angel: You thought Spike was cool? I'm cool! I'm in the opening credits! I'm the real hunky star of this
show! brood, brood, brood Right?
Joss: (reassuring) Yes, you are. Don't worry about it. (thinking) Now, if I do a spin-off, and send Angel out of town
. . . hmm. I wonder how long James would sign a contract for . . . .?

Spike: (walking by) Hey.
Shelia: (following him as he walks by) Wow! You're cool!
Angel: Feh. Buffy: My mom is talking to Snyder. I am so dead.
Spike: Yeah, but your mum isn't the one who's going ta kill you. That would be me.
Buffy: Damn! You're early. Crashing through that window to attack me was really cool though!
Angel: (running in, waving his arms) Look! Look at me! I'm cool! Look! brood, brood, brood, brood.
See? I'm tall, dark, handsome and all brooding! It's cool!
Buffy: Well, you look kind-of hot, but - -
Spike: That broodin' makes you look bloody constipated.
Buffy: So, not really cool. Sorry honey.
Angel: Meh.

Giles: (reading from a research book) Spike, also known as William the Bloody.
Xander: That's a cool name.
Angel: (disgusted) Great! Just for that, I think I'll bite you.
Xander: What!?
Angel: (sheepish) . . . or, at least pretend to.
Spike: Stupid, broodin' wanker!

Buffy: You shouldn't have come here.
Spike: Really?
Buffy: Well in the long run no, not really. But, for the sake of this episode, just go with it. . . .

Buffy: No we! apons, agreed?
Spike: Agreed.
Spike: *KICK* *PUNCH* *KICK*
Spike: (grabs a two by four) On second thought -- *THWALOP*
Buffy: Cheater!

Joyce: (hitting Spike over the head with an ax) Get the hell away from my daughter!
Angel: (whooping) Go, Joyce!
Joyce: Forget it brood boy. I'm still going to guilt trip you out of town next season.
Spike: Yeah, and she'll have no problem hanging out with me in season five and watching "Pas! sions."
Joyce: You like "Passions?" Oh my God, that is so co--
Angel: Augh!

Drusilla: You didn't get to kill 'er, did you?
Spike: No.
Annoying, um, I mean Anointed One: You failed. You must die.
Spike: Why don't you do that for me instead mate?
Buffy, Scoobies, Audience and Everyone else: Yes! He killed the Annoying One! Thank God! That was soooo cool!
Angel: (walks away in disgust)

Angel: Joss, I'm cool, right? I'm the main hunky stud of the show, right?
Joss: Of course you are. You have nothing to worry about. (thinking) Okay, I can get rid of Riley in the middle of
season five, freeing up more time for Spike and Buffy UST . . . oh! An abandoned house! That would be *perfect* for
the first time they. . . (walks off, rubbing his hands together in anticipation. . . .)

(The little Grr! Argh! demon-struts - coolly - across the screen)