Season 1, Episode 1

High School: Hello and welcome. For the next three or so seasons, (or until I go BOOM) you will embark on a journey through the heart of the darkest of evil.... PUBLIC SCHOOL.

Darla: Over here! Token villian alert! Yeesh. What a girl has to do to get a decent closeup around here.

Joyce: Smile pretty, dear. You're about to enter your first establishing scene.
Buffy: But---?
Joyce: Oh, it's simple. I'll go first. Ahem. Hi! I'm Joyce Summers, Buffy's mother and occasional antagonist!
Xander: (skateboards by) Hey! I'm Alexander Lavelle Harris. I'm a goof off and not really equipped with any special powers. Ooh! But my knuckles do bend like this and---
Willow: (cuts him off as fast as possible) I'm Willow Rosenberg. I hack into computers and am decidedly not gay..... that part comes later.
Buffy: We're doomed.

Buffy: Hey! I'm Buffy... and you already know pretty much everything about me from the show's title.

Cordelia: Hey Willow? Just reinforming you that you suck.
Willow: I suck? Who's the one who missed the establishing scene, Shallow-head?
Cordelia: Huh? Like, no way!! Who forgot to beep me?!
Willow: And so you all get a little insight into Cordy's mind. I know, not much to see. And... well, that's not really going to change any time in the near future.

Dead Guy: No kiddin'. *THUNK*
Buffy: That would be my cue...

Giles: Jolly good day, wouldn't you say?
Buffy: Okay, if you're going to be watcher, we have so got to work those Brittish-isms out of your system STAT.
GIles: Poppycock! Not bloody likely!
Buffy: Oh, we'll see about that.

Master: MWAHAHAHA! I am the Master! (dramatic pause)
Darla: Dad?! We're out of fresh humans in the pantry!
Master: Well, don't come crawling to me if you pigged out last night! Children these days! I ask you!
Darla: Mole face.
Master: Someone needs a time out!

Buffy: Hey, I've seen these dark alley scenes before. If I'm not mistaken--- *KICK* Hee-yah!
Angel: *THUNK* Ow!

Angel: The eagle flies at midnight! Redrum!
Buffy: Psychopath. (walks off)
Angel: Rats. Gotta work on that cryptic-guy thing.

Willow: And this is the Bronze, viewer-like people!
Buffy: when did you become Hostess girl? Thought you were a shy, unassuming type in the first season?
Willow: Huh? Ooops. That's what I get for reading ahead....

Giles: Feel the energy flowing through you. Be one with the life force surrounding you--
Buffy: Just how many times will I have to use Star Wars references with you around, Obi Wan?

Luke: And so we walk the earth! Killing and maiming mine enemies!
Buffy: If Giles is the walking textbook, I suppose that makes you the walking Vampire Bible.
Luke: AMEN!
Buffy: Puh-lease.
Luke: What? Am I not scary enough?
Buffy: With a name like Luke? Not of the very.

Buffy: *THWAP*
Luke: Ow! *SMACK*
Buffy: OW!!
Luke: And the people begged, "Give us better fight scenes!"
Buffy: AMEN!

Xander: Ruuuun!
Vampire: *SNARL*
Willow: Ruuuun!
Vampire #2: *HISS*
Jesse: Damn, my neck hurts. (pause) Oh. I mean, RUUUUUN!
Darla: Some better chase scenes might be a reasonable request too, Joss!

Joss: (sitting in his inner sanctum) Xander... Jesse... Xander... Jesse... Xander... Jesse... Aw, heck. (flips a coin) Xander lives!

(The little Grr! Argh! demon skitters across the screen on a Go Cart)

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