BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER:
THE MOVIE
Yes... the 1992 Movie with that 90210 dude and Kristie Swanson

Xander: So ready for kicking some evil butt!
Willow: Point me at those vampires and watch me---
Joss: Stay put.
Giles: WHAT?? But we have to help Buffy! She---
Joss: Doesn't know you exist yet. This is the movie.
Xander: Ah.
Willow: Cool.
Spike: Day off.
Giles: So, who's up for pizza?

Buffy Swanson: Hi! I'm, like, Buffy!
Xander: No. You're really not.
Buffy Gellar: Cool it, Xander. This is early me.
Xander: Wow. You don't look like yourself.
Both: No duh, Sherlock!
Xander: Help me. It's Buffy squared!

Buffy Swanson: Isn't this coat, like, just the bombest?
Xander: I take back what I said about wanting to be in this thing.
Joyce: (scrambles over) DAHLING... See you around! Kiss noise!
Willow: I think I'm getting hives.

Girl: Whoa. Like, you're not Sarah Gellar.
Buffy Swanson: So already established! Now... who wants to go shoe shopping?!

Amilyn: Grrr. See my fangs. I am, like, totally evil!
Guy: No, you're that Pee Wee Herman guy.
Amilyn Herman: Marph, meh, and other sounds of dismay.

Merrick: You have been blessed with a sacred birthright. Into each generation a Slayer is born. She is the only one who can protect us from the vampires---
Giles: My speech! This wanker stole my speech!
Xander: Oh suck it up. It's not that bad.
Pike: Hey Buff! What's new?
Xander: THAT'S me?
Giles: Well, not exactly, but there's a striking similarity and---
Xander: Don't help.

Cass: Oh god! The horror! These... these... special effects! *SCREAM* Wait... Flying ropes? Cheesy, much?
Amilyn Herman: (swoops in) BWAHAHAHA!
Cass: Flying ropes, eh?
Amilyn Herman: Guess what, boys and girls? Today's secret word is... Flying ropes!
Cass: I knew the effects were bad, but FLYING ROPES?
Amilyn Herman: Flying ropes! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Merrick: You are the Slayer!
Buffy Swanson: No. I dun wanna be!
Giles: Some things just never change.

Pike: Hi. I'm --
Buffy Swanson: That guy from 90210?
Pike: Yeah! Hey, you're a fan---?
Joss: *COUGH*
Pike: Oh. I mean. Uhm. No.

Mr. Murray: You're grades are slipping... you're late to class... skipping cheerleading practice... shunning all your friends... I know what's going on here! It's so obvious! You're---
Buffy Swanson: (groans) The Slayer.
Mr. Murray: --- on drugs.
Buffy Swanson: Wow. Nice denial there. You've never been to Sunnydale, by any chance, have you?
Mr. Murray: Huh?
Buffy Swanson: Nothing.

Merrick: You and I are both eternal. We have lived for a thousand life times. Okay, so you've died once or twice, but I have survived through extreme cunning and ----
Giles: You've got to be kidding me.
Joss: I told them I had script revisions! But did they listen? NOOOOOOOO...

Pee Wee Amilyn: *SNARL*
Buffy Swanson: Flying ropes?
Pee Wee Amilyn: FLYING ROPES! AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
Buffy Swanson: This is getting old in a hurry. *grabs his foot and makes him spin in circles*
Pee Wee Amilyn: NO FAIR!

Pike: Hi. You're cool and my friends were just all turned into vampires so-- wanna be my pal and save my life?
Buffy Swanson: What? All one of them?
Pike: Low blow, Buff.

Buffy Swanson: Ki-YAH! *STAKE*
Buffy Gellar: Sheesh. 'Ki-yah'. I never used that.

Buffy Swanson: Sorry. Gotta cheer, so let the vampires know I'm sorry I missed our date.
Merrick: Just when I think I'm getting through-- her brain turns to pom-poms and we wind up becoming the source for the recycled plot of "The Witch"....

Lothos: You behave like such a child.
Pee Amilyn Herman: I know you are, but what am I? HA!
Lothos: I used to do Shakespeare.. now what am I reduced to? TEEN FLICKS!

Jason: I'm like, evil vampire guy now!
Teammate: No.. you're like, almost scary vulcan with pointy teeth.
Jason: Wah. You went and hurt my feelings. Guess you gotta get dead now. *HISS*
Teammate: Eeeeew. Like, spit much?

Angel: Moron doesn't even have a vamp face.
Jason: Hey! Our makeup department is challenged, alright?

Merrick: (slips and lands on Lothos' knife) Ouchies. Why look at that. Blood.
Buffy Swanson: Thought you had been alive for thousands of years?
Merrick: Ow, ow, ow!! (pause) So?
Buffy Swanson: Well, this is kinda an anti-climatic death scene, doncha think? Hollows all those years of existance.
Merrick: Now that you--- sorry. Gotta die now. *GURGLE, THUNK* Better?
Buffy Swanson: 9.5 artistic presentation, but the technique was lacking seriously.

Buffy Swanson: Merrick's dead.
Pike: Here. You can cry oh so seductively on my pumped up, manly shoulder.
Buffy Swanson: WAAAAAAAAAH!
Giles: Employment, here I come!

Buffy Swanson: I know what I'll do! I'll turn to my understanding and supportive friends for comfort!
Girl 1: Jerk!
Girl 2: You were, like, gonna go shopping with us!
Girl 3: Beotch.
Buffy Swanson: *sigh*

Xander: You know, sometimes I miss the early 90's... then I look at this movie, see the clothing and the hair and the music... and I smack myself over the head with a baseball bat until the feeling goes away.

Vampires: *SNARL*
Kids: *SCREAM*
Buffy Swanson: Heeere I cooome to saaaave the daaaaay!
All: (pause) In that dress?
Buffy Swanson: Oh gawd! You're right!
Pike: Here. Take my big, manly leather coat.
Buffy Swanson: Thanks, dear.
Pike: That way you'll look big and tough when Lothos drains all the blood out of you.
Buffy Swanson: Awwww. See? Always thinking of others first.

Amilyn Wee Herman: My master awaits!
Buffy Swanson: Who?
Amilyn Wee Herman: Oldish fella? Big black cape? Looks like he just stepped out of an Anne Rice novel?
Buffy Swanson: Ah hah! The guy with the flying ropes, you mean!
Amilyn Wee Herman: Flying Ropes! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Buffy Swanson: Dork. *STAKE*
Amilyn Wee Herman: *GURGLE*

Willow: Why don't those guys turn to dust?
Joss: (in his own little world) Revisions were going to be ON THE DESK the very next morning! Why didn't they listen? *SOB* Someone tell me WHYYYYYY!!
Willow: Looks like someone has unresolved issues comin' out the wazoo.

Pike: Here I come to save you with my manly Kung Fu moves, Buffy! *THUNK* O-or not... duuuuude... look at all the pretty stars!
Xander: Ah. So this is where the idea for Graham came from.

Lothos: No one shall stop me! For I am the invincible--
Buffy Swanson: Guy who isn't smart enough to look behind him and see the girl standing there with a highly lethal piece of wood?

Lothos: I shall reign for--
Buffy Swanson: About two more seconds. *STAKE*
Lothos: Oh crap. *GURGLE*

Willow: I thought Buffy burned down the high school gym?
Buffy Swanson: Well, we used up the last of our budget on Rutger Hower's hairspray and white spats. Flamey doom effects were a little out of the income bracket.

Xander: Whew. Credits rolling. So, what have we learned today?
Willow: I'm glad I was too young in 1992 to be considered for this movie?
Buffy Gellar: Kristie Swanson is the uber-evil?
Spike: No. That would be Luke Perry... soddin' 90210 pretty boy. Wanker.
Giles: My predecessor was bleedin' stupid?
Joss: Never send script revisions via Fed-Ex.

Pike: So, that's the end?
Buffy Swanson: Think so.
Pike: Seems kinda anticlimatic, doncha think?
Buffy Swanson: Suppose.
Pike: Want me to wrap my oh so manly arms around you?
Buffy Swanson: Shut up and ride off into the sunset already.
Pike: Ah. Thereby creating the illusion of an ending. Gotcha babe.
*VRRRROOOOOM*

(The little Grr! Argh! demon zooms across the screen, on the back of Pike's motorcycle)

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