New Kid on the Block
Summary: Mark David starts at a new school, and can't make friends with anyone but band geeks and Crystal. It's funny but Ivan isn't in it much.
Songs: Jump in the Fire, Let Me Be Your Friend
Ivan Moments:
· Ivan playing a computer keyboard in the school bus scene
· Being .5 of a kid in the average American family
· Cracking up at new kid tricks
· Every time someone says "New Kid," five guys run onto stage and start singing until John Crane chases them off with his chair. Sublimely ridiculous.
· Ivan in his first appearance as Lewis the Band Geek, such a cute smile
Ivan Quotes: "I'll buy an E, Pat."
Bet You Missed… (none)
Notes: No Roundhouse hands at the beginning! Also, bumper #2 has the coolest ending
You Can’t Fire Your Family
Summary: Joey and Jennifer Anykid win a brand new "perfect family" of androids.
Songs: We're a Family, Back Where We Belong
Ivan Factor: 8
Ivan Moments:
· Pretending to rap in “We’re a Family”
· Being the very serious policeman who drags off Dom
· Ivan as Dan Quayle, talking about moral decay on television. One word: Classic.
· Looking sad and lonely during The Sympathizer, also, paste on chicken pox
Ivan quotes: "Here, sport, take mine. I've gotta watch my weight 'cause I'm the captain of the basketball team."
“It’s grounded boy!”
“I got the eight-track player.”
Bet You Missed…(none)
Notes: Ivan’s shirt kicks butt in this episode. Also, bumper #2 is really cool and bumper #3 is the cane dance.
Sports
Summary: Dominic is a klutz, Crystal tries out for sports in spite of people thinking it's not feminine.
Songs: Flopsweat, I Can Dream
Ivan Factor: 5
Ivan Moments:
· Hopping around with Mark in Share Jordan’s
· Acting like a monkey and getting hit in the head a lot
· The crying during "A Little League of Their Own" is priceless, absolutely priceless
· Talking into Break Dancing Boy’s shoe
· Constantly playing with his hair in 90210
Ivan Quotes: "So why dontcha get your viola and check it out?"
"So, like, Jessica, thanks for going to the dance and stuff."
“Whoa! I’m on his other foot!”
Bet You Missed…
--Ivan with claws during Flopsweat
--Passionately hugging David during 90210 – very scary
School Daze
Summary: Ivan deals with trouble in school, including a crush on a teacher (Julene) and a Really Hard Math Test.
Songs: Substitution, Sex Education
Ivan Factor: 11. Off the charts, baby.
Ivan Moments:
· Ivan eats a cockroach
· Leaping up and screaming "PARTY!"
· Looking in pain at the end of bumper #1
· Ivan raps during "Substitution"
· Wakes up chewing on his finger
· Ivan's random fantasy about his teacher falling in love with him
· Looking really scared and sick during Sex Education
· The car and toilet noises during the Really Hard Math Test.
· Shaking hands with the audience during the closing credits.
· Looking really disappointed when Julene says the Magic Words
· Letting Shawn put her finger in his mouth
Ivan Quotes:
“Nobody else could see that. It was just a fantasy.”
“All this talk about sex is making me really…tired.”
“You know, I’ve always been fascinated with solid waste treatment.”
Bet You Missed…
--Ivan almost forgetting his chair right after the Really Hard math test
Notes: Ivan did all the choreography for this episode. This is also where “SEX?!? AAAAAGH!” had it’s origin.
Dating
Summary: Dominic wants to date Crystal but his Dude friends don't like her.
Songs: Be a Rebel, Only Want to be Me
Ivan Factor: 2, because he wears a hat the entire episode
Ivan Moments:
· Playing video games and looking really into it
· Ivan sings a line on "Be A Rebel"
· Wearing shades in the Party Animal thing
· Being the bell during the boxing match
Ivan Quotes:
“Hi! Thanks for coming!”
Bet You Missed…
--Randomly popping his head into the screen during Cool Aid, for no apparent reason
Abusement Park
Summary: Crystal's family takes a trip to the Abusement park, where she tries to impress Dylan Mark Chadley.
Songs: Self Conscious, Do Not Care
Ivan Factor: 4
Ivan Moments:
· Trying to get Crystal to be potty-trained and looking really into it
· As a tree, hilarious
· Acting 14 and being two zits short to ride a ride
· With deer antlers in the shooting gallery, then wrapping his arms protectively around Break Dancing Boy and leading him off stage
Ivan Quotes: "He's much too cool to talk. It's all body language."
“Ooo, look at my face! It looks like I’ve been in a hatchet fight without the hatchet!”
Bet You Missed…
--Putting his tongue in his cheek throughout the entire episode
--Pulling Dominic (Dylan Mark Chadley) on a skateboard away from Crystal
Notes: Ivan did all the choreography for this episode. Also, he’s not wearing flannel. *speculates that Ivan’s flannel stock must have dropped a few points on the day they filmed*
TV on Trial
Summary: The family TV gets arrested and a bunch of spoofs on popular shows and commercials ensue. This episode is incredibly funny.
Songs: TV Head, Don't Make Me Give It Up
Ivan Factor: 6
Ivan Moments:
· Inventing TV – good for him!
· Looking cute as a sports announcer for American Gladiators
· As the Poor Boy in 90210 and lifting his shirt to show Micki how bad he wants a sandwich
· As Jean-Luc Picard: "So, these two Kling-ons walk into a bar..."
· Flipping cards during Don’t Make Me Give It Up
· The underwear commercial thing. Enough said.
Ivan Quotes: "It will bring the sheer joy of life surging through your body..."
“Your TV is under arrest.”
“I’m a wise old bum.”
Bet Your Missed…
--Ivan hanging himself during the Soap Operas…*notices that this is awfully similar to Ivan hanging himself during KONY*
--Ivan making faces behind Mark when Mark is trying to announce something
--Ivan and Dom randomly leaping back and forth in the background during “Who’s the Boss”
Notes: Bumper #2 is salsa and it totally kicks. Also, the Ivan’s flannel stock apparently hadn’t been doing any better in this episode. Note the corduroy…
Beauty Pageant
Summary: The Miss American Universal International I Look Better Than You Pageant
Songs: Meat Market, Airbrain
Ivan Factor: 7
Ivan Moments:
· As a photographer for Cindy Crawford (Micki)
· Boyfriend in a bottle – another one of those priceless moments
· Ivan as a Hare Krishna in Pest-off and then falling over dead
· “Flying” on Bumper #2 with Dom
· Ivan scratches behind John's ears, then lets John grab his leg and leads him off stage hopping on one foot
· Narrating Mad Max Factor.
Ivan Quotes: "Wow! Are you my new girlfriend? I must be the luckiest boy in the whole world."
“Hey! There goes Julia Roberts!”
Notes: Ivan neglects the Roundhouse Hands at the beginning. Also, this episode is a little *ahem* “steamy” (as Dom says). Not to mention the songs are SOOO bizarre. Especially Meat Market. *shudder*
Time
Summary: A run-through of all the holidays and events in a typical year and lifetime
Songs: Take Time, Make Time; Times
Ivan Factor: 9
Ivan Moments:
· Reappearance of Lewis the Band Geek
· Looking scared and cute in the horror movie spoof
· Looking confused when Mark plays with dolls
· Looking way cute in Times
· Close up of him in Bumper #3
· Ivan says the magic words at the end. *cheers*
Ivan Quotes: "Mom, Dad, help! I think I'm getting taller!! AAAH!!!"
"Hey stupid girls, give us your cookies or we'll take your lame-o dolls and throw them in the sewer!"
"OOH my groin!!"
“Do you have to give me a spit bath right now? I’m trying to do this announcement!”
“It’s dark in this old house and some of our friends have disappeared and I heard screaming coming from the basement!”
Notes: Of all of Ivan’s outfits, the one is this episode is the best. Note Ivan’s tattoo. Also, Bumper #2 is THE bumper. *coughs*
The Bully
Summary: Dominic gets his butt kicked by the local bully.
Songs: I'm the Bully
Ivan Factor: 7
Ivan Moments:
· Wearing antlers as Bambo, taking revenge for the death of his mother. A classic sketch that should have been done years ago. *thinks* Actually, it was done years ago. Never mind, then.
· Return of American Gladiators and, of course, Ivan as the cute announcer
· Dancing in front of the mirrors
· As a special effect and holding…a slinky?
· As Axle Hose, host of Name That Tune
Ivan Quotes: "Why the ostrich, oh wise one?"
"Would you like to eat sashimi out of my navel? Of course you would!" ((quite possibly the weirdest Ivan quote of all time))
“Are you still being nasty to me for my own good?”
Bet You Missed…
--Ivan in shades
--The close up of his butt during closing credits
Notes: Bumper #2 has the “Dead” ending
The Economy
Summary: It's the recession, and Mark and his family have to deal with cutting corners and getting jobs.
Songs: Higher, Still Waiting For Love
Ivan Factor: 4
Ivan Moments:
· As the flashback effect and punching Break Dancing Boy
· Kicking Mark's butt, literally, over a curly pig tail
· Looking incredibly ticked off at the dream sequence
· The return of Dan Quayle!
· The beginning of Higher
· Swearing after the Pork thing. Bad Ivan! ((note: I think Ivan is the only one besides John who ever swears on this show. Scandal!))
Ivan Quotes: "Hey, what are you doing with my stuff? And what are you doing in my garage?"
"Welcome to the wonderful world of pork."
Notes: Ivan, as you can probably tell, was not in a very happy mood at any point during this episode. I speculate it was due to a drop in the flannel stock again. Check out his shirt. *sigh*
School Play
Summary: Natalie tries out for the school play
Songs: Stage Mother
Ivan Factor: 7
Ivan Moments:
· Ivan taking bows at the tryout
· Playing a blatantly homosexual dance director – debatably the best sketch he’s ever been in
· 5001 Behemoths
· Pretending to puke when Dom does his Arnold impression and talks about romance
· Dancing with Break Dancing Boy during closing credits
· Dancing with Crystal during closing credits
· Giving Mark a very funny look during closing credits
Ivan Quotes: "Yippee, hooray!”
“Wake up, wake up, it’s a neat-o day! When the sun comes out, it’s time to play!”
Bet You Missed…
--Bringing out David Sidoni’s microphone for Stage Mother
Notes: The closing credits in this episode are VERY long, for some reason none of our simple minds can fathom. Also, Julene peaks in her acting abilities, as does Natalie—who gets to kiss Dom. Two more things: Ivan, once again, isn’t wearing flannel, and I think he gets accused of being gay more than once. A very weird episode, but absolutely hilarious.
Politics
Summary: David runs for class president but is such a loser only Ivan will vote for him.
Songs: I Hate Big Books, I'll Be On Your Mind
Ivan Factor: 5
Ivan Moments:
· Dan Quayle again! Possibly Ivan’s most memorable role, and pretty darn funny
· Ivan fighting John in the closing credits
· Scrutinizing David’s arm during a press interview
· Randomly scratching his blond head in "Kitties and Bits"
· A third appearance as Lewis the Band Geek, and looking really cute in the glasses.
· As English teacher subbing for gym teacher, which is faintly reminiscent of his Dance Director ((see above))
Ivan Quotes: "My friends and I had an ugly face contest. I won. I'm still winning."
"Punctuate that movement."
"Excuse me sir, your participle is dangling."
"You suck cafeteria food." ((one of Ivan’s classic suck lines –this happens to be one of my favorites))
Bet Your Missed…
--Ivan making faces at Julene while she talks to the camera about something
Notes: Bumper #1 is a chair dance and Bumper #2 kicks
