Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I am not making any money off of this. The Pythons belong to themselves, not me. The "Marriage Guidance Counselor" sketch is their creative work and i have written this blatant rip-off er takeoff in the name of good fun. Enjoy. :)
The cast:
ROGER THE SHRUBBER
Eric Idle
SIR GALAHAD
Michael Palin
ZOOT
Carol Cleveland
BLACK KNIGHT
John Cleese
A young man clad in armour enters, with a beautiful blonde woman dressed very chastily in white.
Galahad: Are you the medieval marriage guidance counselor?
Roger: No, I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.. (catches sight of nameplate in front of him which reads 'Guidance Counselor") er...I mean...Yes. Good morning.
Galahad: Good morning, sir.
Roger: (stares at woman, fascinated) And good morning to you, madam (pauses, shrugs himself out of staring and says to Galahad) Name?
Galahad: Sir and Lady Galahad the Chaste.
Roger: (writes without looking down, just stares at Galahad's wife) And what is the name of your ravishing wife? (holds her hand) Wait. Don't tell me - it's something to do with moonlight - it goes with her eyes - it's soft and gentle, warm and yielding, deeply lyrical and yet full and blossoming, like a beautiful shrubbery...
Galahad: It's Zoot.
Roger: (furrows brow for a moment, then nonchalantly clears throat) Zoot. What a beautiful name. What a beautiful, beautiful name (leans across and lightly brushes his hand across Zoot's cheek) And what seems to be the trouble with your marriage, Sir knight?
Galahad: Well, it all started about a year ago when we started going on holiday in Mercia together, shortly after my failure to obtain the Holy Grail. Zoot, that's my wife, has always been a jolly good companion to me and I never particularly anticipated any marital strife even when I first laid eyes on her in that lovely castle where we first met - indeed the very idea of consulting a professional marital adviser has always been of the greatest repugnance to me although far be it from me to impugn the nature of your trade or profession.
The shrubber counselor and Galahad's wife are not listening, they are fascinated by each other.
Roger: (realizing Galahad has stopped) Do go on.
Galahad: Well, as I say, we've always been good friends, sharing the interests, the gardening and so on, the model wooden rabbits, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear, and indeed twice a month settling down in the evenings for a bath, something which, er, Zoot, Zoot that's my wife, er, particularly looked forward to on account of that rampant...er, plague (the counselor has his face very close to Zoot, so close that they could kiss) I should probably have said at the outset I'm noted for having something of a sense of humor and a naughty streak, although I have kept it very much to myself over the last two months notwithstanding, as it were, and it's only as comparatively recently that I began to realize - well, er prehaps realize is not the correct word, er, imagine, that I was not the only thing in her life.
Roger: (who is practically in a clutch with Zoot) You suspected your wife?
Galahad: Well yes - at first, frankly yes (the counselor/shrubber points Zoot to a makeshift hut a few feet from his table, bearing a sign which reads "personal consulting". She goes inside it) Her behavior did seem at the time to me, who after all was there to see, to be a little odd.
Roger: Odd?
Galahad: Yes well, I mean to a certain extent yes. I'm not by nature a suspicious person - far from it - though in fact I have something of a reputation as a somewhat ineffectual knight, if you take my meaning....
A piece of Zoot's clothing is thrown out of the hut
Roger: Yes I certainly do.
Zoot's bra, chastity belt and panties come flying out of the hut
Galahad: Anyway in the area where I'm known people in fact know me extremely well....
Roger: (taking his tunic off) Oh yes. Would you hold this?
Galahad: Certainly, yes (helps him with his tunic. The shrubber continues to undress) Anyway as I said, I decided to face up to the facts and stop beating about the bush or I'd never look myself in the mead hall mirror again.
Roger: (strips down to his underwear) Er, look would you mind running along for ten minutes? Make it half an hour. Have a look at the shrubberies, I've got all sorts and the laurels are particularly nice...
Galahad: No, no, righto, fine. Yes I'll take a look, shall I?...(the shrubber has already gone inside the hut) Yes, well that's perhaps the best thing. Yes. You've certainly put my mind at rest on one or two points, there.
Sir Galahad walks away from Roger's table and heads off toward the shrubbery collection. He is stopped by a deep, threatening, John Cleese-ish voice coming from somewhere near the ground. He looks down and sees a limbless knight in black armour.
Black Knight: Now wait there, sir knight. A man can run and run for year after year, provided he's got legs, until he realizes that what he's running from ......is himself.
Galahad: Gosh...
Black Knight: A man's got to do what a man's got to do, and there's no sense in running away, again provided you've got legs (seethes underneath his helmet for a moment). Now you've got to turn, and you've got to fight, and you got to hold your head up high. Don't be that prissy boy you've portrayed in this film thus far!
Galahad: Yes!
Black Knight: Now you go back over there my son and be a man.
Galahad: (tosses hair back and assumes a triumphant stance) Yes I will. I will! I've been pushed around long enough! This is it. This is your moment, Sir Galahad the Chaste! This is it, Sir Galahad the Chaste! At last you're a man! (walks purposefully and briskly back over to the hut and knocks on the door) All right, Zoot, come out of there.
Roger: Go away!
Galahad: Right. Right.
Sir Galahad is then hit in the head with a chicken by another man in a suit of armour.
Galahad: (a bit dazed, rubbing his head) Lancelot?? (runs after the knight) Come back! I'm lonely...
He realizes he is getting nowhere and stops, putting on a sad, "puppy dog eyes" face. Suddenly he remembers the "other" castle he visited and a grin spreads across his face
Galahad: Never mind! (he eagerly takes off running in the other direction, toward Castle Syphillis)