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Dear Helpdesk,

A friend of mine is having trouble with his system.

Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without any trouble. However, apparently there are conflicts between these two systems and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend with the sound turned off. But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as: Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2.0, and Playboy 6.0.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. Girlfriend 3.0 had many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for many weeks. Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware.

Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2000 plus GreatMealsOnTable (Guaranteed for a limited period). But imagine my friend's disappointment on discovering Wife 1.0 can be unstable and costly to maintain; any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Hard Drive, they cannot be deleted, and they may surface months (or years) later.

Wife 1.0 also automatically runs Ultra STROP and WHINGE.zip and no option on the Help Menu seems to work, leaving him to try and guess the fault himself. The system footprint needs updating regularly requiring Shoeshop Browser Pro for new attachments - Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every week. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000 add-on, but there could be problems. If Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000, it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Any ideas?