Sabbath, 05/15/09, 11:35 PM EST USA
I have had a very bad semester. I could list the ailments but I would rather not and just say it was one thing after another for about a month. The semester was coming to a close and I thought that finally I could relax. The semester ended and relaxing was the last thing I could do at home. I became very lazy, I couldn't fix anything, read anything, study anything ... I just sat in front of my computer frustrated one hour after the next. I lost 18 lbs. and thought finally God is allowing me to lose weight. "Maybe I can reach 202 in a while?", was my thought. It didn't happen.

I started asking God "why?" and "what's the point?". There was no answer - I am use to getting answers (I mean I run across verses which answer my questions). Nonetheless I kept going. Same thing day after day. The semester has been over for a while now so I am doing nothing in front of the computer distracting myself with games and email and whatever work still had to be completed to really put the semester to rest. I was still over eating.

Finally I was completely done. I answered all the remaining emails, handed in all of the remaining grades, and even sent an email to a school official about a new idea (I thought it was new) for which I got the cold reply: "they have accommodations." Ok fine, leave it alone - I tried and the response was like touching a cold fish. That's it I'm done. I keep trying to be part of the solution and people just push me away. (I have a "love/hate" relationship with people - I love them and they hate me.) So fine, I went back to my machine for some "fun" and relaxation.

Instead I got more frustration. I was the only player losing on the server. If an enemy saw me I was getting shot before I knew what hit me. This happened two or three times in a row. The game was about to end and I said to myself "don't let me die don't let me die..." And then it happened: a bomb fell among me and my teammates, and I saw that I was the only one who got killed. I was incensed and outraged. I had had it with God and I cursed at Him. And then I asked: "What the hell are you doing?" "What is the point?" I felt that God was being cruel to me.

What was I to do? I did nothing. I knew what I said, it was said, I admit it, but I still had questions. Finally some things went my way. (This is like an oasis in a desert.) I still wasn't happy with God. ... time passed, more nothing, more over eating. I could feel myself gaining all the weight I had lost. The frustration began to build beyond its usual top level (frustration is the key word to my entire life).

Finally, it was ~11 PM and I decided to go to sleep - but the apartment needed to be cleaned up before I did that. So I did one thing at a time - from picking stuff up and throwing out the remaining garbage to cleaning off some dishes in the sink. Still frustrated I started to think about Job again. "Should we only praise God when He blesses us?" Of course not. The implication being that we should always praise God.

My stomach was swollen from all the food I had eaten earlier up until 11 PM! "But what's the point? There is no 'testing'; there is no 'learning'; there is only pain after pain after pain." I cursed at God, yes I did. I was so angry with Him that I couldn't contain my questions (about "the point" and all) so I said it (in my thoughts - no difference for me). So there I am at the sink thinking about this and that when it hit me ... I cursed God - that's what Satan WANTS! Of course. Satan's goal is to get all believers to curse God. Then another thought occurred to me - but even more than that, Satan wants us to give up our faith!!! That turned the light on all of this pain. It isn't about "lessons"; it isn't about "testing" - it is about Satan's wanting us to curse God b/c we know He is the One True Living Lord God Almighty who allows all things to happen to all people - according to His will - alone.

I walked away from the sink feeling no frustration. Now that I know what all this pain is about ... well, I'll have to reserve what I say. But knowing what it is about is a good thing in my opinion.