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Maria Speaks on the Subject of Glasses

Ever since the age of 8, I have been cursed with having eyesight as wonderful as a bat. As a result (or consequence, or punishment, or torture, or... well, you get the idea) I was sentenced to a prescription of... ugh... *shudder*... glasses. Now, the point of this rant is not to plead sympathy on my poor soul. I am writing this because I am CONVINCED that glasses are the anti-Christ and wearing them is directly proportional to the way you behave around people. In other words, glasses are evil and make people clam up. And then people get hurt.

Or, at least, they make me clam up. I don't know if it's merely psychological, or if glasses really do possess awesome powers to make me shy around everybody I come into contact with! All I know is that ever since third grade, the time I was sentenced to my glasses, I had been stricken with a type of shyness disorder. Ask anyone that went to my old grade school, and they'll say, "Oh yeah, that Maria girl, the one who never talked to anyone? I remember her. I think she said three words to me the whole nine years..." I never knew what to say to people, and I would panic if someone tried to talk to me. I was the ultimate Shy Girl of my class, no questions asked.

Then, in the 8th grade, I was miraculously cured of my shyness disease! I became extroverted, learned to laugh, and actually *gasp* MADE SOME FRIENDS! Of course, coincidentally, this was the exact same year I discovered the magic of contact lenses. That's right, I, Maria, no longer had to wear my glasses! I literally felt like Jesus Christ himself had laid a hand on my head and said, "My child, be healed of your blindness." He might as well have said, "My child, be healed of your shyness" because that's exactly what happened! Kind of fishy, isn't it? Buckle your seatbelts, it gets better.

Jesus has probably decided to play jokes on me, because only four days ago I was putting my contacts in my eyeballs just like I usually do in the morning, just having a grand old time. But... *dramatic music playing*... While I was trying to put in one of my contacts, it... it... ripped. Now, I couldn't exactly just wear the one contact that was still whole, because that would mean I would have to walk around with my head tilted and squinting one eye while bumping into everything under the sun. "Oops, sorry Sir, I didn't see you because you were walking on the wrong side of me. You see, I can only see out of my left eye. Maybe if you walked on the other side?..." Random person: "Uhm... Maria, who are you talking to?" Me: "Wha?" Random person: "That's a lamp post." Me: (long pause) "Oh. Right." So you see, I had no choice but to wear my... *shudder*... glasses. Otherwise, I might as well walk around holding a big neon sign that screams "LEGALLY BLIND!" And I'm not even exaggerating about the legally blind part.

Anyhop, I was doomed to my prison of face frames once again. And ever since that fateful day, I've found myself once again getting tongue-tied around people. For no apparent reason at all! Jesus, I thought you cured me! I thought every ounce of shy had left my bloodstream. Well... apparently not. I now have to stutter myself through every single conversation, even when I'm talking to my best friends, because I have lost my outgoing-ness! It simply baffles me.

So I conclude that glasses are from the devil, because who else would be so evil as to steal my ability to be social? Beware the wrath of the glasses, the anti-social anti-Christ.

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