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Maria Speaks on the Subject of Feet

Feet. If there is anything in the world that annoys me more than monkeys, it's feet. I can't stand them. Not only are feet very funny looking and just plain ugly on some people, but everyone in the world seems to be pleasantly mystified and amused by them. It's beyond me.

I have noticed, especially since it's summer time in these parts right now, that humanity is very much in love with its feet. People love to wiggle their feet, play with their toes, look at them, stick them up in the air, swing them around, etc., etc. Even in the winter, people can't stand to keep their feet cooped up inside their shoes. They have to take off their shoes and wiggle around their sock-covered feet. We just can't seem to help drawing attention to our feet. It bothers the living heck out of me.

Now, I love both of my parents very very much. But I hate their feet. It's not that my parents have ugly feet (although I did unfortunately inherit my mother's lovely bunions... is that how you spell it?), it's what they do with their feet. First of all, my dad can never, and allow me to strees that NEVER, keep his feet still. I notice this especially when we're watching movies as a family in the living room or something. He'll sit there, reclined in a chair with his feet propped up. And he'll rub his feet back and forth over each other. Back and forth. Back and forth. Whether or not he's wearing shoes, socks, or barefoot. Back and forth. It's worse than Chinese water torture.

My mom is a little bit better about her feet. She'll sit like a normal person whenever we're watching movies, or she's talking on the phone, or whatever. But every now and then, she'll notice her feet. It's like she forgot they were there, and then she found them, so she must make it known that she has feet. This usually happens when she's sitting down, so what she does is she sticks her legs straight out so that they're parallel to the floor, then wiggles her feet around in little circles. And then she puts them back down like nothing happened. I have found that when her feet are touching the ground, she hardly notices them. But when they're NOT touching the ground, they must be in motion. For instance, say she's sitting cross-legged so that one foot is on the floor and one is not. The one that is not is constantly in motion, wiggling her toes, twisting her foot around in small cirlces, pointing and unpointing her toes.

And these are not the only victims of foot-obsession, ladies and gentlemen. Oh no. Chances are, you yourself are inflicted with this world-wide disease. Lord help your soul.

I know that I'm probably no better than half of the population about keeping my feet still, and if you ever see me wiggling my own toes, feel free to tell me to stop. I know that feet are very annoying, and I try to be courteous to other people and not draw attention to mine. Because I'm very aware that they're probably jealous, and would rather the attention be directed to their own feet.

Just try and be courteous yourself, and think twice next time you catch yourself playing with your feet. You might be pissing somebody off.

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