Some reflections on the upcoming 2004 election
by Nin Privitera
I hope this column helps you make an informed choice this November. I know this
is not exactly the Ali-Frazier of presidential battles, but in the age of reality TV, what
more can you expect? With only a few weeks left to trash one another, here are some brief
thoughts on the candidates's lowlights.
Our national debt is increasing at a rate of $3.5 million an HOUR and neither candidate has a plan to do anything about it other than promise us more goodies. Social Security and Medicare are on their way to bankruptcy but neither candidate dares to address either subject. So, what we have left is two men trying to convince us he's the tougher guy.
John Kerry sat the tone for his campaign when he explained that he voted to authorize billions for our troops in Iraq before he voted against it. The first vote was known as the Flip and the second was known as the Flop. In July, President Bush told a group of prospective Amish voters that he believes God speaks through him. And someday, we hope to hear from our Creator whenever his messenger succeeds in putting together a coherent sentence.
John Kerry said that when he's President and Osama bin Laden is captured, he will put Osama on trial in Pennsylvania, New York, and Virginia. Well, thank goodness Los Angeles isn't on his list or Osama would be golfing with O.J. by noon.
In mid-August, the feud was at a fever pitch between John Kerry and the Swift Boat Viet Nam vets. The vets claimed that John Kerry's battle medals and purple hearts were granted for less than heroic actions, and he said the Swift Boat vets were liars, liars, with their pants on fire. Making light of all this were the neo-conservative Chicken Hawks; 5 Deferments Cheney, Wolfiwitz, Perle, and Limbaugh, all brave veterans of the Love Boat.
Then, there was a big fight over Kerry's memories of having spent Christmas Eve 1968 in Cambodia where American forces should not have been found. It was too bad he didn't have his handy camera to document his "heroic presence". When asked about his Christmas, President Bush couldn't even remember 1968.
In an interview in Time magazine, President Bush described the Iraq War as a "catastrophic success." This item belongs on the same list with the maiden voyage of the Titanic; and Al Gore's popular vote victory in the 2000 election; Bill Clinton's declaration of "not having sex with that woman." On August 22, former Clinton aide John Podesta came out swinging. He said that "John Kerry carries shrapnel in his thigh as distinct from President Bush who carries two fillings in his teeth from his service in the National Guard." What he failed to report though was that President Bush got a lollipop and a new tooth brush for bravery under the drill.
At the Republican Convention, Georgia Senator Zell Miller, who seemed to need a rabies booster shot, electrified the crowd with a speech of fire and brimstone. He reassured us that, "he had knocked on the door of President Bush's soul and found someone home." One wonders what would've happened if he had knocked on the President's head.
Then the nation's concern was turned toward former President Clinton's heart by-pass surgery on Labor Day. We all breathed a sigh of relief when we were told that the President was breathing on his own following the surgery. Of course, Hillary became concerned about the day when he would be completely normal and capable of heavy breathing.
Notorious author Kitty Kelly released her new book on The Bush Family where she claimed that President Bush smoked marijuana when he was in the National Guard in Alabama. Finally, we had some validation that he was in the National Guard in Alabama.
Then came the debacle of Dan Rather and CBS News. The network produced documents that "proved" President Bush was suspended from the National Guard because he didn't meet their standards. After a number of experts said that the documents were forged, CBS decided to back off their pending scoop and they have the marriage license to prove it. Jennifer Lopez is marrying Elvis on Christmas Eve.
Dan Rather finally admitted that the documents were not authentic, which forced CBS to offer a Sunday magazine program called 55 Minutes. It actually turned out to be the same 60 Minutes show but with the last 5 minutes being used to make denials and corrections.
In mid September, the candidates began to prepare for the 3 Presidential debates. John Kerry had a bit more preparation to do a forth debate, which would feature him arguing both sides of every issue.
President Bush went on the O'Reilly Factor where he said that when he was first told about the 9/11 attacks, he took several minutes to gather his thoughts. Most Bush critics would have thought that, that should have only taken a few seconds.
A few days before the first debate, John Kerry appeared in public with an orange blush to his face due to a "sunburn playing touch football." Fortunately, it was toned down by debate-time due to mixing with his blue blood.
John Edwards came to Chautauqua to prepare for his debate with Dick Cheney. He bought two homemade pies and a pumpkin while on a ride. Now, look at that. The Kerry-Edwards team is already helping the local economy.
At last, the first presidential debate provided me with all the information I needed to decide who gets my vote. Iraq, Iran, and Osama bin Laden are second in importance to my number one issue. I'm voting for the candidate who offers the best traffic flow pattern that will get me through Fredonia, on a Friday afternoon, home in time for a Saturday morning breakfast.
God bless America. We need it.
Former community columnist Nin Privitera's column appears monthly. Comments to jdagostino@observertoday.com