February 6, 2004

It's 5:25 am and I have been up since 1:00 am. I have sleeping issues that crop up since the cancer. So instead of fighting it, I go with the flow. More than likely, I will fall asleep in my recliner later, sleep so intensely that even an earthquake wouldn't wake me up, and then be okay.

I viewed a motivational movie yesterday. Here's the link. http://positivepause.com/ It was one of those

experiences that catch you by surprise. I watched it twice and put it on my favorites list. The message was one I needed to see, hear and absorb. I have been feeling antsy lately, as if I SHOULD be DOING more or making plans or something. Until August, 2003, I worked six days a week and was very active, fit and wishing I had more leisure time. (haha be careful what you wish for!) Since the cancer, between the treatments and fatigue, any accomplishment seems to be an effort. I got so into my crafts making dream catchers and beaded jewelry till the docs cut my steroids and I lost most of the use of my right hand for a while. I have most of it back but my thumb and forefinger have numbness on the fingertips so it makes the dream catchers almost impossible to make as I need both fingers to do the webbing. So I have gone on to making collages with materials I have collected over my crafting years. I used shattered windshield glass from my old Mercury as a tiled sky in a painting I have been working on for a year.

Anyway, I wander off of the point I was trying to make ( I will do this a lot, but it's my thoughts, so you're going to have to put up with it). The little motivational movie made me realize that all we really have is RIGHT NOW. 

Alicia and I are getting out a lot when she is home. Of course, the weather has been mostly horrendous with snow everyday, but we have had some nice sunny moments and they are always a joy. After a while, being in the house, no matter how many good books, movies or projects you have, becomes crazy! When I am fatigued, I don't care. It's comforting to be here in my own humble cave. When I am going through an No-Energy patch, I am Gatekeeper of the Recliner. I used to be Gatekeeper of Words when I was a volunteer for a part of AOL called Amazing Instant Novelist, but some unimaginative dolt stole the name when I no longer worked for them.

I would like to travel across country this summer with my daughter. Who knows how long my life will last? None of us do. This past Monday, I was watching the local news and was shocked to hear that a man, my age, apparently healthy and vibrant, dropped over and died of a massive heart attack at a council meeting. He was one of those people who was positive, was involved in local politics, supported sports programs for kids...and all around good guy. Here I am struggling to beat this damn cancer, and he just goes! I told my daughter, That's life. I may think about the life and death issue because of the Big C more than some people, but NONE of us knows when our time will come, so living each day is so very important...and living it in a way that is true to ourselves. No Bullcrap. I will continue this later today.