famous question...."Are you over the pain yet?" I was asked that
the other day about my son's death. First thought was to tell her
off and ask her if HER child died, would SHE be OVER the pain YET?
But I didn't.
The only way
I can express what it feels like yeawrs down the road later is, "It's different
that it was in the beginning." It's different for each one of us
I know several
parents who lost a child long ago. Some talk about it, some don't
want to talk about it. And that's OK. Sometimes I am the same
way. If I were standing in front of you, trying to tell you how I
feel about my son's death, I may break down, get a lump in my throat, and
my heart will start pounding, and the hurt will intensify. I never
know how I'll feel. My own feelings I really can't put inot any catergory....because
losing my son has left me with no control at times.
Oh, I try to
put a mask on and try and answer questions, if asked to me. First,
the most often asked is "how did he die?" I never want to go into
any details when asked that, so I reply, "A tree fell on him." Next
most often asked is "Was there a storm?" I usually say "No," and
leave it at that. Most never question sensing I don't want to go
into any details.
I've said this
before, and I guess I'll always say it.....I don't know what I will feel
from day to day. It doesn't have to be an anniversary or birthday
to get heart tugs. It could be anything, a color, a song, a photo,
a voice. The only thing I DO know is my life changed on the day my
son died. It changed forever.
I will always
have these days. I will always hurt when memories tug at my heart.
And I will always wish I had never had to be a bereaved parent. One
thing is for sure and that is I will ALWAYS love my son. Time cannot
take my feelings away from me. Nor my memories.
bereaved begin asking me questions, I don't believe in trying to hide the
truth of what my own experiences have been like. I won't sugar coat
anything. None of us expected our child to die before us. None
of us knew the horrible pain we went through that day we were told our
child had died. None of us knew what the next day or the months or
years ahead would bring. I still don't know. I can have a lot
of good days, and then I'll have a bad one, and it will stay with me for
days. I get down. I cry. I hurt. Do I STILL grieve?
I will always grieve. I will always have heart tug days.
when I once thought that was impossible. I get very irritated when
I'm told, "It's been so long for you, you have forgotten what it's like."
How little they know. But of course, this is from someone who has
never lost a child.
I can only
say I know the hearts of so many who have lost a child. I don't have
to know what they look like. I know the "inside" of the person. I
believe the pain is the same for all of us.
A mother holds
her children's hands for awhile