When
we suffer the death of our child, many of us, for the first time, grapple
with some hard questions. There are so many things we don't understand.
Perhaps in the past when we had severe trials, we struggled through them,
trusting God for grace and strength to endure. At times we were able
to see some good come out of a difficult situation; we were encouraged
to trust God more, our faith was strengthened and we grew.
But it is a
different story altogether when our child dies. It is as if our whole
world have been turned upside down; we are confused, numb, and nothing
seems to make sense. We are often in too much turmoil to think things
through clearly and it is an effort to just get through each day.
Bible verses
help, even when we cannot concentrate long enough to read. The love
and concerns of family and friends help, but the pain just does not go
away. Hard questions come, to which there seem to be no answers.
"Why
did God allow my child to die?"
"Why did my
child have to suffer?"
"Did I do something
to deserve this pain?"
"Is God really
in control?"
"If God is
loving, why does He allow suffering?"
The list goes
on and we don't seem to get answers to our questions. However when
we seek for God's wisdom we do learn some valuable truths. Here are
a few of them.
1)
God sees our pain, and he grieves with us!
When the Israelites
cried out for deliverance for their bondage in Egypt, God sent Moses to
be their deliverer. God told Moses: "I have seen the oppression of
My people who are in Egypt, and have heard their cry...for I know their
sorrows." Exodus 3:7.
We can be sure
that God hears our cries, and that He knows our sorrows also. Isaiah,
also writing of God's sympathy for Israel, wrote: "In all their affliction
He was afflicted...in His love and in His pity He redeemed them; and He
bore them and carried them all the days of old." Is. 63:9. Just as
God carried Israel, He carries us.
Remember the
parable of "Footprints In The Sand?" The man thought God had forsaken
him in his trial when he saw only one set of footprints instead of two;
God said that was the time He was carrying him.
2)
God loves us and knows what is best for us.
As earthly parents
we try to care for and protect our children; we hate to see them suffer,
and we want to see them content and happy. We withhold certain things
from them because we know them and train them because we desire for them
to grow into mature and responsible adults.
Think of God
as the perfect Parent: He is flawless in what He allows His children to
endure, desiring to bring us into maturity and godliness. Our aching
hearts are not His only concern: He desires us to be drawn into a closer,
more intimate relationship with Himself, and be conformed to the image
of His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ. In this process He brings He brings
glory to His own name.
3)
Heaven seems more like a real place when our loved ones are there.
We become "homesick
for Heaven," where there will be no more death, sorrow, crying or pain.
Earthly things we once held dear are not that important to us any more,
and we learn to hold onto "things" very loosly. We begin to realize
how fleeting this life is, and our priorties change.
4)
We learn first hand the truth of Psalm 147:3, "He (God) heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds."
At first we think
we will never heal, that this gaping wound will always be raw flesh.
We feel that nothing will ever be the same again, and in a way we are right.
Even though we being to heal there will always be the "scar", the reminder
that there has been a terrible trauma. There is the longing to see
our child again; we miss them so very much.
Just as with
surgery or any deep wound, great care has to be taken for healing to take
place; proper cleansing, rest, a slow return to usual activities, and what
is not always available, the tender loving care of those that are tending
to the needs of the wounded one.
The ache in
the heart of a grieving mom or dad is an ache that never really goes away.
But eventually we learn to function in a way that at first we did not think
possible.
5)
We have more compassion for others who suffer.
When we come to
the point in our grief when we want to reach out and help others, we find
it very healing and therapeutic for us. We remember that hugs and
the comforts that helped us through our worst moments, and we desire to
"be there" for others in their pain.
A few weeks
ago a mom whose son died five years ago told me that she is learning what
it means to "bear one another's burdens."
6)
God is our never-changing foundation.
When our emotions
are "topsy-turvy", God remains the same. He is our firm foundation
upon which we are grounded. "He is the Rock, His work is perfect..."
Deut. 32:4. As someone has said, "I may tremble upon the Rock, but
the Rock never trembles under me."
One time while
on Maine's rugged coastline, I sat and pondered on how deeply those rocks
must be imbedded in order to remain firm under the constant battering of
thunderous waves. In all the trials and stuggles that we experience
in life, our eternal, all-powerful Lord remains steadfast and sure, our
firm foundation.
Even though
we falter and flounder and have questions that remain unanswered, we can
know beyond any doubt that the Lord is still our Rock, and that He will
carry us through these deep waters. He will even use this experience
to bring us closer to Himself, and glorify Himself in it. We can
trust Him completely even when we don't understand His ways.
"When you pass
through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall
not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be
burned. Nor shall the flames scorch you." Is. 32:2
~ONLY
ONE SON~ is their website for their son.
In the fall of 1990, Ray & Barb became associated with BASIS, a ministry
uncer BCM Internation, directed toward grieving parents. Ray
is currently serving as the Northeast Region National Trustee for C.O.P.S.
~ Concerns of Police Survivors, Inc. and is the East Coast Regional
Representative for Peace Officers For Christ International.
Since their
son's death, the Paynes have dedicated their lives to "being there" ~ at
police funerals, memorials, and other times of need. Their involvement
in ministry to the law enforcement community has provided needed support
for grieving parents, spouses, and families, as well as co-workers and
departments. Over the past decade, Ray and Barb have traveled extensively,
encouraging churches and others to sponsor "Police Appreciation" events,
as well as seminars.
If
you would like to get in touch with the Paynes, you can contact them at:
200 U.S.
Route 9
Schroon Lake,
NY 12870
Phone/FAX
(518) 532-9049
E-Mail: RJBJPayne@aol.com
