Mario Brothers
MARIO I
Ok, I got my advice from this Boa constrictor in school. The beehive told me to run on rusty pipes for luck.
Mario is a plumber from RCA. The same people who broke my VCR. I know what you did RCA! You sold me a cheap VCR! It only lasted me 2 decades! What a rip off for $100! Mario has problems. You see he has a brother he hates. So to get rid of him Mario takes his brother to Rosewell. Luigi, "I don't see any aliens Mario."
Mario, "Keep looking Luigi, just twenty more yards." Yells Mario as he hides behind a rock. Luigi creeps ever closer to the 'do not enter sign.' Mario awaits gun fire eagerly. Unfortunately nothing happens. Mario becomes upset and impatient. After 5 minutes of Luigi walking over the sensors Mario gets mad.
Mario, "God damn sensors! They can pick up humans from miles away. They aren't set off when small prairie animals intrude! Do they think my brother is a worthless animal? Arggggg!!!"
Mario gets enraged and runs over to his brother. Luigi sees something over the horizon.
Luigi, "Hey! Mario! I see some lights coming from that direction!"
Mario, "Well let's go... You lead."
The two make it to this high tech area that appears to have been stationed outside for a brief field experiment. Mario ponders the situation. The two decide to enter the area. No one is present.
Luigi, "Hey Mario, looks like they went for coffee."
Mario, "At 1pm! I don't think so! Let's see what all this equipment is for."
Minutes go by when Mario discovers papers near this huge console. The papers are entitled time machine. Mario gets an idea. Why not send his brother to where RCA never existed! Then Mario would be free!
Mario, "Luigi, stand on that platform with all the probes on the side."
Luigi complies and enters. Mario looks for the switch. After 5 minutes of searching the two can hear military personal coming back from lunch. Mario begins to panic worse than my VCR repair guy when he came over last night.
Mario, "Luigi we need to get out of here! If they find us we will be shot on sight! That's if we are lucky. They could use us for this experiment!"
Luigi, "What do we do oh dear brother?"
Mario, "I found the switch! Let's get into this machine and use it to get out of here! They won't use this thing to experiment on us!"
Confused at his brother's logic Mario and Luigi position themselves on the pod. They throw the switch as the personal begin to walk over the sand dune with armed military. The machines sputs, spits, and buffalo bills in result to the activation. The two get their molecules scrambled across time and space.
Mario, "Freaking hell! I feel like I'm taking the SATs!"
Luigi, "Where were the aliens? Never get to..."
Bright light shines. The scientists enter only to see some brief distortion fade away. They are too focused on their coffee to notice the machine had just been used. Entering several tunnels of light, several tunnels of darkness, and several tunnels of some plad color the bodies of the RCA guys fall limp from the portal. The portal immediately closes like in the series 'Sliders.' What's Sliders? It's about some guy looking for his remote control to his TV. I lost mine so I was intrigued by the series. After receiving countless emails on this part of my FAQ I will shut up.
Mario and Luigi shiver from the trip, stretch and get up. Upon them is a world of Mushrooms, Goombas, and a huge castle in the distance.
Mario, "We went back in time! Mushrooms? Weird creatures? Um... Hey people with bad teeth! We must be in England. The question is when!"
A toadstool guy appears to greet the two new guests.
Toad, "Are you the chosen ones?"
Luigi, "That's right, any VCR broken, we can fix it!"
Toad, "Bowser, the evil King has kidnapped our princess. Can you save here?"
Mario, "Does Bowser have a broken VCR?"
Toad, "VCR? I am unfamiliar with your foreign terms. Bowser is a tyrant. He stole my food because I couldn't pay taxes."
Mario, "Tax evader. I see. Don't worry, we'll get back your VCR. But it will cost ya."
Toad, "If you liberate our Kingdom, the princess will be most grateful. I am sure a reward would be given to those who defeat Bowser."
Mario, "First I have a question. What year is this?"
Toad, "Why it's the 200th year of the Toadstool Kingdom."
Luigi, "Wow! We are in the Medieval Ages! England has lots of Mushrooms. No wonder they lost the holy war!."
A lengthy journey ensues. The brothers travel far to reach the castle. It's heavily guarded with Goombas! Mario and Luigi go to the gate. Guard shouts from the tower above the gate outside, "What?"
Mario, "We came here to fix a VCR."
Guard, "Fix a VCR? Must be Bowser's new name for his table. Come in!"
The gate opens. The two enter the courtyard and are escorted to the throne room. The guards place them in the room with the table and leave. Mario, "Ok, we need to find this VCR and fix it. Luigi, let's look around."
5 hours later Bowser, angry from a failed campaign to get shrooms to brush their teeth enters his throne room.
Bowser, "Who the hell are you?"
Mario, "We came to fix the problem."
Bowser, "Hitmen! Guards!"
Guards enter the room. Mario gets angry.
Mario, "Hey Luigi! He's trying to skip out on payment. Let's show him not to mess with the Union!"
They pull out wires and start strangling all the guards. After a lengthy battle the VCR men are victorious!
Mario, "Ok Bowser. Now we will make you pay for not paying us!"
Bowser, "I see, hitmen that have a price. Mercenaries! Ok... I'd pay you, but the money was stolen. It was stolen by this guy called Toad."
Luigi, "Hey Mario! That's the guy who told us about the VCR job! You think he lied to us?"
Mario, "Damn! We were used. I hate when customers do that. No one ever wants to pay a VCR bill. Damn low life's. Let's get him Luigi. Bowser. We'll be back after we take care of Toad."
Bowser, "Ok. Good luck... I think."
A long journey back to Toad's house. Toad, "How did you find my house? It's in a hidden location, no one knows about it!"
Mario, "We are the union. We can smell scum out a mile away. Now where's our payment?"
Toad, "I told you, defeat Bowser and the reward is yours."
Luigi, "He said you have the VCR!"
Toad, "Um... Bowser tricked you! He has the V..C...R."
Mario, "That two timing scum bag. Luigi, let's head back to that castle."
One day later the two enter the castle once again. The guards escort the two into the throne room. In the room Bowser is expecting to hear some news of Toad's elimination. No such luck.
Bowser, "Did you get him?"
Mario, "We got him. He didn't have a VCR. Before we left he told you that you have it."
Bowser, "He lied...(They must have killed Toad. What is this VCR?) Tell me. What does this VCR look like?"
Luigi, "It's a black box that spits out the shit you put in it."
Bowser, "I heard that this frog who can cast dreams has the black box. His name is Wart I believe. Why don't you pay him a visit. Oh and here's your payment for dealing with Toad."
Mario, "Thanks. We'll get this Wart. Oh and beware the French, they will get Napoleon to invade your country with U-boats."
Bowser, "Napoleon? I never heard of him. Is he a new group of rebels."
Luigi, "It's an army now. This is year 200? If so, you'll have to kill him before he throws dice."
Bowser, "Very well! I will find this Napoleon rebel! He will suffer for opposing me!"
The VCR guys enter a marsh seeking Wart. Wart is a massive frog who is ugly and has the power to make people dream nightmares. Anyone who opposes him dies in their sleep.
Wart, "What do you two want?"
Mario, "We know you have the VCR. You know. The black box!"
Wart, "Oh no! My secret is out. Um. Tell you what. I will pay you to give this to a shroom called, 'Toad.'"
Luigi, "We know that guy. What do we give him?"
Wart, "It's a magic lamp. It grants three wishes to anyone royal."
Mario, "I should have brought that guy from the TV show King Of Queens!"
Wart, "Good luck...(Suckers! It's really a warp spell. They button is set the reverse. So Toad will fall into my laps. With Toad as a bargaining chip I can regain Bowser's trust. Then with my black box I can take over this Kingdom!) Muwahahaha!"
Luigi, "Can you kill people in their sleep?"
Wart, "Yes."
Mario, "Cool."
2 days later Mario, and Luigi arrive at Toad's door.
Toad, "Did you defeat Bowser?"
Luigi, "We got this Magic Lamp. It grants three wishes to anyone royal!"
Toad, "Genius! With this we can break into the castle and tell the princess to wish Bowser away! We are saved! Let's go!"
Mario, Toad, and Luigi arrive at the castle with the lamp. Over the trip Luigi messed with the lamp trying to get a wish. Mario got angry at Luigi. He told Luigi it only works on royalty. Luigi hit the switch on the lamp to send instead of rubbing it. The three sneak into the castle tower where the princess is being held. The three pick the lock and enter her room.
Toad, "Your highness! We have come to save you!"
All of a sudden the door bursts open.
Bowser enters, "Princess. I have some good news. Napoleon has been caught. Now no one can save... What!? Toad! Alive! You two lied to me! You tricked me!"
Luigi, "This magic lamp grants three wishes to anyone royal. It doesn't work on regular people. I tried."
Bowser, "Magic lamp! AHA! With this I can rule forever. Give it to me!"
Toad jumps up in-between Bowser and the princess.
Toad, "You will never use this lamp you vile scum!"
Bowser, "Watch me!"
A brawl ensues. Both sides become involved and an all out fight for the lamp begins. After a lengthy battle, and some dork who throws hammers, the lamp is rubbed! Wart warps into the room at warp speed! Wart, "Crap! Oh. Hi Bowser!"
Bowser, "Wart! What are you doing here?! Oh no! One of you wished for Wart! You wasted one wish. Now we only have two left!"
Luigi, "Anyone have change for a five? I'm hungry."
Princess, "I give up!"
Suddenly troops emerge. An army of rebels managed to storm the castle while Bowser was preoccupied. They got in by claiming they were repair men. Neepe, "Halt! We have arrived!"
Bowser, "Are you the repair guys for my table?"
Neepe, "Table? We are here to repair the Kingdom!"
Everyone but Neepe, "???"
Neepe, "Bowser you have lost! The princess will reclaim this land! Fight me if you have any honor villain!"
Bowser, "You must be the rebel leader! That means the one my hitmen told me about was a decoy! I've been duped twice! Arggg!!! Wart! Get me out of here!"
Wart, "Do I get any benefits if Bowser is taken out?"
Neepe, "Wart? You? No! Only jail time."
Luigi, "Doesn't pay to steal cable."
Wart, "In that case..." The two dictators escape into Wart's domain using the lamp.
Luigi, "We must smash this evil lamp so no more wishes can be made?"
Toad, "I agree, smash the damn thing. It brought us nothing but grief! Who needs the power to get anything they want anyway?"
Neepe, "I have won. Princess, we will make sure such a vile villain never comes back."
Princess, "Thank you. You two. I will give you rooms in my castle. I thank you for deceiving Bowser. It's not an easy task. Will you continue to defend my Kingdom?"
Mario, "Until we can find a way home I guess so. I ain't sleeping in the forest anymore! Ever since we got here it's forest stage, forest stage. Curse you Wood Man! Stupid leaf shield!"
Toad, Neepe, Princess, Mario, and his brother Luigi begin their new adventures of protecting the princess. What will we see in the sequel? Only time and desire to make money off of a previous success will tell.