MANCHESTERIAN PSYCHO

By Bret Easton Smell’dis

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"Simply Red singer Mick Hucknall was cleared of rape allegations after a dramatic arrest ordeal."
--NME 11/27/01

"If you don't know me by now, you will never never never know me."
--Mick Hucknall
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MORNING - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

My name is Mick Hucknall. I am 40 years old. I live in a mansion near Old Trafford, and I am a multi-millionaire. I have a 13% stake in Malmaison-- a hotel company-- and I own a restaurant in Paris and a night club in Manchester. I am the lead singer of Simply Red, and one of the most successful pop musicians in British history.

I believe in taking care of myself. To keep my hair bouncy, curly, and bright red, I will dampen it and pour a beetroot and carrot juice mixture over it. While I sunbathe for an hour to let it soak in, I gently exfoliate my skin by applying a Just for Redheads skin renewal complex with 5% Alpha-Hydroxy. Once a week, I will accentuate my red highlights by using vinegar rinse straight from the bottle. I make sure not to do this excessively, because clogged pores would bloody sod all over my upcoming Melody Maker shoot. In the shower, I use Ultra Red all-natural shampoo, made with cranberry and strawberry skins. It produces a healthy red mane on golden retrievers. I then use a 3 oz. bag of Just for Redheads deep red henna shampoo and conditioner. Gentle and all-natural, it gradually enhances my red undertones while giving my hair the healthy vibrancy seen on the cover of my 1991 album, "Stars," which was a stonking hit on the VHF.

After my shower, I do fifty press-ups, then I use the telly to browse Simply Red’s low-bandwidth world wide web site, simplyred.uk.co. Taking advantage of an imbedded "blind" auto-referring link, I access the site using the more succinct ".com" extension, which decreases strain on my wrists and helps to prevent injuries which might hinder my acoustic guitar stylings, which Mark Landham of the NME calls "haunting in their multi-layered simplicity, like a pea fritter."

The Simply Red web site provides the ultimate user experience via the HTML-coded integration of vector-based images and Macromedia’s high-impact Flash Shockwave software ("the de facto standard for animation on the Web" —CNET). Because Simply Red.com is e-commerce enabled by Shop@ssistant software, I can use my JScript-capable browser (MSIE 3) to click on spring-loaded hyperlinks which enable pop-up dialogue boxes. In fractions of a second, I am admiring a £7 Simply Red "Spirit of Life" tour book with stunning portrait shots, and it is exhilarating. My web site utilizes the ISO-8859-1 (or "Western") character set, although my compatible interface can also view the comprehensive Simply Red discography (including rare 7" singles such as "Hunchback of Notre Dame / Don’t Judge Me / I See Nothing and Everything") in Baltic, Cyrillic, Turkish (Latin3, Mac, or Windows), Central European, or Simplified or Traditional Chinese. Although I have long forgotten the exact colour configuration, the colour-coded hit areas-- which link to stunning photographs of me posing with topiary elephants--have an RGB configuration of 55-19-13, and rest at a hue angle of approximately 8 degrees on the HLS color wheel, assuming a saturation of 62% and a lightness of 34%.

After entering the Simply Red Shop, I place in my virtual shopping trolley a black Simply Red "Spirit of Life" tour mug and a cast material "Spirit of Life" pin badge. I take comfort in knowing that if I were abroad, I could use my site’s Java-powered currency converter to convert the assigned GBP total into currencies such as Japanese yen, U.S. dollars, South Korean wons, Croatian kunas, Estonian kroons, West Samoan talas, Napalese rupees, and Macedonian denars. As the automated response system sends an order confirmation to my e-mail, I remind myself that my Simply Red site’s e-commerce arm uses NetBanx Limited’s online secure credit card transaction system (powered by Netscape Enterprise Secure Server) to encrypt payment card information. It also employs firewalls to isolate information from potential interceptors.

When purchasing Simply Red mugs and apparel on-line, surf with a World Wide Web browser which utilizes a Secure Sockets Layer (SSL). Make sure your browser of choice integrates encryption, data integrity, and authentication technologies. This will prevent eavesdropping, tampering, and Merchant fraud. When buying your "Frantic Elevators" record with 12" limited edition interview disc, always confirm that the prefix of your Uniform Resource Locator contains an "s"; your world wide web address should begin with "https" rather than "http." This will assure you that you are buying your Simply Red microfleece jumper in secure mode. If you are using Netscape 4.0 or Internet Explorer 4.0 to purchase your copy of "A New Flame" -- including the hit tracks "You’ve Got It" and "Turn It Up" -- make sure that the padlock symbol in the corner is closed rather than open. Click on this button to view the Merchant’s encryption certificate. Look for a serial number such as 11:25:38:95:E5:AF:EF:CE:05:87:0E:EE:4C:03:51, and a certificate fingerprint such as DD:0C:FA:7F:F3:64:0F:49:8C:6E:07:C4:21:D2:A2:5C. Always confirm that the certificate’s expiration date has not passed. Make sure that the Uniform Resource Locator found under the Verification heading corresponds with the Uniform Resource Locator of the Simply Red Shop. This will guarantee that the certificate belongs to the authorized merchant. While you are using the security preferences panel, you will want to take a moment to disable the "show a warning" option, which can often slow browsing in encrypted areas. If you have reason to believe that your connection cabling traverses nonsecure locations, confirm that your Internet Service Provider uses optical fiber links rather than twisted pair. This will minimize wire-tapping and insure that your Simply Red keychain request is transported securely.




AT THE OFFICE - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I stop by the Simply Red offices on my way back from Sounds Acoustic, the only shop in Manchester that can correct the high string action on my micro-fretted Gibson Switchmaster. I have just used my guitar’s unique double action truss rod to brain and kill six sales assistants, including a fine tart I buggered with a tuning fork. When I walk into the office, I am absolutely gratified to see that all of my employees are dressed in Simply Red apparel.

Mag Christie smiles at me and gives me an all’s-well, like the Yanks do, by curling her pointer finger under her thumb and extending her other three fingers in the air. She is wearing a bloody blinding Simply Red thin-neck rib tee with woven side, Simply Red tab label, and Simply Red neck label. I admire the shirt’s red neck piping and the way its screen-printed Simply Red logo stands out against the custom made 100% interlock cotton contrast sleeves. Quite simply, this shirt is the dog’s bollocks.

"Mick! I have something for you!" she calls. From the inner security pouch of her Simply Red lightweight casual bag with drawstring closure, she produces a box of pork pies. Imported from Melton.

Anthony Quimbake raises an eyebrow as he walks by— the bloody poofter. I have a butchers at his charcoal hooded Simply Red top made of deluxe non pil high performance microfleece. Despite myself, I nod in approval of the bloody crackling way his Simply Red tab label compliments the hem embroidered logo and the Simply Red neck label. I have to admit, it's ace.

"That’s a dishy Simply Red v-neck tee," Quim says. "Is that a SW2H I see?"

I nod, barely managing to conceal how chuffed I am that he has recognized my Simply Red shirt’s sonic helm weld.

"Is that clotted blood in your hair?" Quimbake asks. I shake my head no and tell him that it is the new Herbal Essences mango complex for dazzling red hair. Slow as treacle, a stream of blood drips onto the floor, and I yell at the Cockney porter to mop it up.







TOTTY - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I have just taken the tube back from the annual Music Industry Soccer Six tournament, featuring members of The Prodigy, Ultra, Levellers, and Robbie Williams. I am wearing a raglan-sleeved Chelsea FC home shirt made from Vapatech 100% polyester fabric, and 100% nylon Umbro shorts with polyester knitted fabric panels for extra freedom of movement and breathability. I am accompanied by a blonde page three girl with huge bristols, and I am feeling randy as shite. I am popping a stonking Biggie. Once we are safely inside my mansion, I immediately brain her with the rubber outsole of my Nike Ultraccel, molded for excellent durability. She hits the floor with a blooming thud and I kick her aside to make sure the massive outpour of blood doesn’t sod my smashing oriental rug (Sotheby’s, $23,000). Using a remote control, I set my stereo to play "Holding Back the Years," from my best-selling album "Picture Book." Within seconds, my todger is full out of my trousers.

After I strip off her knickers, I use a book of matches from my night club (Barco) and an aerosol can of Just for Redheads hair spray to produce a massive fire on the floozy’s twat. "Say you feel the pain," I demand, quoting a line from my single, "The Right Thing," which was a smash hit on the VHF. For effect, I imitate the pose I struck on the cover of my hugely successful album, "Men and Women," except that in between the crossed fingers I hold to my lips, I am now holding charred clitoris. As I produce a highly illegal blowtorch, I borrow from the chorus to my tune "A New Flame," because this is exactly what I plan to apply to her naughty bits. As the scrubber’s lower torso erupts into smoky aggro, I turn to one of the more obscure tunes in my critically acclaimed pop outfit’s catalogue, "Love Fire":

Fire fire Fire fire Fire fire fire fire Can't put it out with water Keeps on burning Keeps on burning Keeps on burning burning burning

I take a moment to reflect on the time I played an acoustic version of this tune before a crowd of Kraut youth, to celebrate the tearing down of the Berlin wall. Then I mow the stripper’s scalp off with a lawn strimmer. The rush reminds me of the time I met the Queen Mother at Buckingham Palace during a special ceremony honoring British actors and performers, where I also met Dudley Moore, Sir Michael Caine, and Sporty Spice.









STRINGFELLOWS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The next day, while completely bladdered, I run into the Oasis blokes at Stringfellows strip club in London, where I slip £20 notes into the swimming costume and pop socks of a Czech lap dancer named Veronika. She is from Prague and bears a striking resemblance to a slapper I used to do the rumpy pump with, named Adriana. As she jiggles her 34c-24-32 knockers in my face, Liam Gallagher approaches me. He is wearing a £1,425 leather trenchcoat by Burberry and a Manchester United away jersey with Adidas Gazelles. "Hiya Bowie-- British GQ just came out with their best-dressed list. You were only fifth, mate." Realizing I have just been mistaken for the Thin White Duke, I give the ignorant git a beastly look as I use my extended hair curls to secure a rolled-up £50 between Veronika’s knockers.

"Who placed first?" I ask coolly.

"I did!" The bugger gloats.

Suddenly, a wave of nausea descends on me like mad cow disease, and I am filled with an unnamed panic. Limply, trying not to throw a wobbler, I motion to the chairs on either side of me, and Liam and Noel sit down. Noel is sporting a windcheater and generic plus-fours.

"Shouldn’t you be back at the bungalow with Iman?" he smirks, the cheeky bugger. I resist the overpowering impulse to twist his noggin into a Cornish pasty, and tell him that Iman is doing a shoot with Christie Turlington.

Suddenly, I see in his hand a brown guitar plectrum that is bloody stonking in size and undeniable in its elegance and beauty. He notices me fancying it and places it on the table. It is a 1.00mm heavy-gauge Luminous Classic by Pickboy, made from celluloid nitrate with glow-in-the-dark green marble finish, rolled corners, and patented Pos-A-Grip head stock.

Even as I break into a cold sweat, his brother Liam is placing a new and even more ace plectrum on the table. "It’s mega-heavy gauge, mate," Gallagher says. I am about to claim this is complete codswallop, but sure enough, the initials MHG are embossed in the thermoplastic celluloid strip stock.

This is too much to take, and I immediately resolve to kill him and send his limbs on tour with the Proclaimers. As I roll another £20 note between my teeth, I ask him if he would like to head back to my mansion in Surrey, where we can have a piss-up, get rat-arsed off Newcastle, and jam on Animals tunes. He agrees, and within hours, his arms and legs are on an aeroplane to Edinburgh.







SIMPLY RED - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
With an irresistible new single "Ain't That A Lot Of Love" heralding the imminent release of the band's seventh studio album, Simply Red are ready to add a new chapter to one of the most consistent success stories within a generation of British pop. With "Love and The Russian Winter," they have reached an artistic peak. The album reveals the band doing what it does best-- incorporating a variety of musical styles, influences and moods into the singular, wholly unmistakable and entirely original sound that is Simply Red. It is utterly pluralist, in the same way that life is, sending the clear message: "we get just one shot at living in this amazing world, and it's up to each and every one of us to get out there and taste as much of it as we can."

In an era when some artists allow years to pass between each release, "Love And The Russian Winter" comes relatively hot on the heels of its predecessor, 1998's platinum No.1 "Blue." Lead singer and chief songwriter Mick Hucknall finds himself on a creative roll with its producers and his long-time collaborators, Andy Wright and Gota Yashiki. Add to that the synergy of a great band which is totally committed to the music and brings a constant flow of new ideas to it, and you can see why he’s feeling so positive.

And the album's intriguing title? The love element of it is self explanatory. It's what drives and inspires us all throughout our lifetimes-- and not just the poets and songwriters among us. And the Russian winter element comes from Hucknall’s thinking on how something very harsh has actually been a saviour to us more than once over the course of these 2000 years. The stylish breadth and sheer accomplishment of "Love And Russian Winter" will confound those who would put Simply Red in the box marked blue-eyed soul and fasten down the lid. Categorisation like that is just lazy thinking. Although American R&B has been a huge influence on the band, jazz and reggae and even rock are certainly there in the mix.

The album brings up to date a musical history which began in Manchester in the early 1980s. It was while an art student in his home city that Mick formed the punkish Frantic Elevators. On their disbandment, he then put together the earliest incarnation of Simply Red, signing to Elektra and releasing a fine debut LP, 1985's "Picture Book," which included the classic singles "Money's Too Tight (Too Mention)," and "Holding Back The Years," a track which gave the group its first U.S. No. 1. In the intervening years, a string of critically acclaimed and commercially highly successful albums have followed—"Men And Women" (1987), "A New Flame" (1989), "Stars" (1991), "Life" (1995) and "Blue" (1998), which have sold over 40 million copies. Particular career highlights to date have included the exceptional success of "Stars," the most successful British album of both 1991 and 1992: a second American chart-topper with 1989's inspired cover of Harold Melvin & The Bluenotes "If You Don't Know Me By Now," and a first U.K. No.1 with 1995's "Fairground."

With its songwriting process developed seamlessly out of that for "Blue," "Love and the Russian Winter" combines the personal and specific ("Words For Girlfriends," "Thank You," and "Your Eyes" among them) with themes that are public and universal ("Man Made The Gun," "The Sky Is A Gypsy," "Back Into The Universe"). And as the title of the closing track, "Wave The Old World Goodbye" suggests, a definite millennium mood prevails throughout. The album looks to the future, and out into the universe.





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