Why monkeys are better than humans
Proof that monkeys are smarter than humans:
There is a type of macaque that lives high up in Hokkaido Island, Japan. Its scientific name is Mucata fuscata, but it is more commonly referred to as the snow monkey.
So, why is it smarter than we humans, the center of the universe? Simple, my friend! Snow monkeys may not have cars ... or computers ... or porn ... but what they DO is more important than what they have. The snow monkeys live a life of leisure, as they spend the bulk of their days (in wintertime, anyway) in volcanic hot tubs. It is estimated that during winter, snow monkeys spend 90% of their day lounging in these 90-100 degree baths of love, and the other 10% of the time they spend either feeding or mating (yes, my friends, having wild wild monkey sex).
For the young ones, kids LOVE playing with snow. They make snowballs, have snow fights, make FORTS and make "snowmen" of sorts. I'd also like to point out that snow monkey young'n are CUTE AS HELL (see pictures below), and they love playing with each other and being social
Children love playing in the snow, making snowballs and (gasp) snowmen
Youngsters love playing with each other
Moms and their babies love hanging out and posing for photos being taken by nosey anthropologists
You may retaliate by saying, "But DJ! I can drive to the mall and go to Abercrombie and purchase some FILAS! These monkeys can't do that, can they?" Well, my answer would have to be ... no. Snow monkeys do not have automobiles (or public transportation), and they certainly cannot shop at Abercrombie (as they are not preppy enough) and they most certainly cannot buy FILAS (as they are not stupid enough, nor due they have American Express cards ... yet).
No matter how much they'd like to, snow monkeys cannot apply for credit cards. However in India, macaques have been known to steal food, clothes and knick-knacks, making malls needless. There is no information regarding snow macaque theft rings, yet, although they should be clever enough to figure it out, I'd imagine.
In the summertime, however, snow monkeys are in their prime. They spend 90% of their SUMMERS getting fat at the oceanside (that's right ... the beach!), sometimes swimming and sometimes laying on the sand. The snow monkeys are ALSO smart enough to wash their food, and in some forms, COOK THEIR FOOD. These are not your average slinging-shit monkeys, my friends, these are intelligent beasts that have the ability to bite you and give you disease ... they are WONDERFUL.
The other hobby of the snow monkeys in summer is ... of course ... having sex. Summer is time to prepare your species by survival, and that includes producing children. With a gestation period of 160-170 days, early summer is JUST the right time to lay back, spread your legs, and have some good old-fashioned oceanside fun (if you're a macaque).
And then, of course, there's the sex itself. Macaques, it has been found, LOVE having gay sex. Most macaques, indeed, are BISEXUAL! Even in the presence of an alpha male, female snow monkeys love having a little bling-bling with the nearest hot dyke-monkey! Now THESE are some party ANIMALS.
Now, just when you think it can't get ANY better for these creatures, it DOES. As I talked about the mating, you probably asked "DJ, one thing that I know (from taking care of my little brother or sister) is that having kids is TOUGH! It takes TONS of energy to take care of a little tyke!" Yes, it does. However, snow monkeys have overcome this little problem by having BABYSITTERS. The idea of allomothering is HUGE in snow monkeys, with aunts, grandmas and other females in a group regularly taking care of wee little children while the mom goes on a short vacation to a coconut-rich paradise, where other males (from outside the group) MASSAGE THE WOMEN (I am not making this up.).
Now, to top off this fabulous creature, the best feature about snow monkey society is ... WOMEN ARE THE DOMINANT GENDER. Yes, my friends, women rule the roost.
Other things that we have (have to do) that snow monkeys don't: Clean, stress, have wars, move, cook, study, take exams, be stuck in lines (or traffic), work.
Snow monkeys ... a wonderful, wonderful animal. I wish I could be one.
Peace out, DJ
Sources
Current Anthropology, April 2003 v44 i2 p152(1) Sexual preferences of female macaques. (Animal Behavior). (Brief Article) R.L. Chancellor.
“Rapid learning of sequential tool use by macaque monkeys.” Sayaka Hihara, Shigeru Obayashi, Michio Tanaka and Atsushi Iriki
American Journal of Physical Anthropology, April 2002 v117 i4 p103(2) Shifting status: four years of adult male hierarchy in Macaca fascicularis at Padangtegal, Ubud, Bali, Indonesia. J. Loudon; A. Fuentes; A. Welch.
Archives of Sexual Behavior, Feb 2002 v31 i1 p51(12) Sexual partner preference in female Japanese macaques. Paul L. Vasey.
American Journal of Physical Anthropology, Annual 2001 p40 Mating season effects on male-female relationships in wild Formosan macaques (Macaca cyclopis). W.A. BIRKY.
American Journal of Physical Anthropology, Annual 2001 p65 An ongoing study of the female copulation call in long-tailed macaques (Macaca fascicularis). J.B. FRAVER; G. EMEL; A. FUENTEST; K.G. SUARYANA; I.D.K. HARYAPUTRA.
American Journal of Physical Anthropology, Annual 2001 p66 The behavioral ecology and distribution of long-tailed macaques (Macaca fascicularis) in Bali, Indonesia. A. FUENTES; K.G. SUARYANA; I.G.A. ARTAPUTRA; I.D.K. HARYAPUTRA; A.L.T. ROMPIS.
American Journal of Physical Anthropology, Dec 2000 v113 i4 p455 Biomechanical Analysis of Vertical Climbing in the Spider Monkey and the Japanese Macaque. EISHI HIRASAKI; HIROO KUMAKURA; SHOZO MATANO.
Nature, March 2, 2000 v404 i6773 p77(4) Macaque monkeys categorize images by their ordinal number. Tanya Orlov; Volodya Yakovlev; Shaul Hochstein; Ehud Zohary.
American Journal of Physical Anthropology, April 1998 v105 n4 p511(11) Age, dominance rank, natal status, and tenure among male macaques. David S. Sprague
BTW, all the pics came from www.primates.com. Some of the monkeys are cute, and some are HIDEOUS (see the uakari! ew!). Visit primates.com and have fun!