I'm sorry Ryan, if you ever read this...
I feel like I cant go on. I lost the best person in my life tonight, that was my boyfriend. He wrote it all in an e-mail and I refused to read it all. I still haven't but I did end up talking to him on the phone and I still don't understand the reason. How can you not want to be with someone anymore that you've been with for 4 months? It breaks my heart. OMG, I've been crying for over 4 hours because everytime I see his face, his smile, his letters...it hurts so bad. SO FUCKING BAD. I loved him so much and I still do but I can never, NEVER forget him. He's taught me so much, things that no one else could. I feel so alone, so lost. I don't know what to do because I knew he was always there for me, whenever I needed someone to turn to...he was there. No matter what I do, I can't stop crying.
We made it through the whole summer...and when school starts it's like I don't exist. The whole appartment thing was a strain on me but I didn't want to give up. He sent me this long message the other day, it made me feel so good. Like he cared, like he loved me. That's one thing that I didn't feel too often. Like he was afriad to trust me with his feelings, with his heart, so he kept it all inside. I gave 100% of my trust to him and now..I have nothing. He told he he'd never hurt me. He did a good fucking job this time. I hated you in the beginning Ryan. Especially for writing an e-mail telling me those things. But I started hating you less and less and I know it won't all completely go away but most of it will. I really don't understand why, either. You didn't really explain yourself too well. You said we'd spend the rest of our lives together. Where did we do wrong? I could tell this past week you wanted nothing to do with me. Or so it seemed. I didn't know what to think. Me having this vivid imagination...I thought the worst and here I am tonight. Writing this blog, so alone, hurting, wanting to die. I'd rather be dead than to have any of this hurt. I find something that makes me happy in life and it gets taken away. Will I ever be good enough for anyone? What is it? What don't I do right? What do I do wrong? Someone please tell me. I took the ring off tonight when I was on the phone with him and threw it in the grass. In a way, I wanna go out and look for it because that was the cutest thing anyone has ever done. How can I go on now? How can I be happy? I CAN'T. He thinks I'll forget about all this and move on soon. What he doesn't know is that he was my whole life. I didn't do things because I was afraid that I'd somehow, in some way, hurt him. I hated to hurt him and he promised me that he would never be the one to break us up again. His picture is my desktop and everytime I see it I start crying again. I can't delete it, I just can't. God!!!!!! What am I doing? Why am I writing this...it's not like anyone cares. I love you so much Ryan. We had so many laughs. We were always there for one another. The thing I will miss the most is your laugh. You are the most adorable person I have ever met. You have the looks, the personality, sense of humor. Whoever the next girl is..she better take care of you. Maybe that's it? Maybe you met someone? Who knows. All the tears and the jokes. Ryna Bum and Stina Loaf will forever be. I don't wanna lose you completely. I want to be friends, although it's going to be so hard for me to do that. You can't just disappear on me, that won't be the best way to go. I'm sorry if anything I have written has made you upset, or if I hurt you in anyway. You have to know I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry I can't be perfect. I'm sorry I caused you so much stress, put so much pressure on you. You were my life, my world, my everything and the memories of you and me will always be with me. There won't be a day that goes by that I don't stop to think about you. You have made me the happiest girl alive in these past 4 months but now I feel like I have nothing to live for. You say I can still call you but I think I'd be annoying you. Please don't stop calling me. It would be so nice to talk to you every now and then. Normally I wouldn't associate with ex-boyfriends...but you are truely something special. You're gonna go somewhere in life and I'm gonna be able to say I knew you. I love you with all my heart, my soul, and my being. I'm sorry i wasn't good enough.