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She needs to hear she's beautiful, she's beautiful
Tuesday, 9 September 2003 sorry i cant be perfect
I'm sorry Ryan, if you ever read this...

I feel like I cant go on. I lost the best person in my life tonight, that was my boyfriend. He wrote it all in an e-mail and I refused to read it all. I still haven't but I did end up talking to him on the phone and I still don't understand the reason. How can you not want to be with someone anymore that you've been with for 4 months? It breaks my heart. OMG, I've been crying for over 4 hours because everytime I see his face, his smile, his hurts so bad. SO FUCKING BAD. I loved him so much and I still do but I can never, NEVER forget him. He's taught me so much, things that no one else could. I feel so alone, so lost. I don't know what to do because I knew he was always there for me, whenever I needed someone to turn to...he was there. No matter what I do, I can't stop crying.
We made it through the whole summer...and when school starts it's like I don't exist. The whole appartment thing was a strain on me but I didn't want to give up. He sent me this long message the other day, it made me feel so good. Like he cared, like he loved me. That's one thing that I didn't feel too often. Like he was afriad to trust me with his feelings, with his heart, so he kept it all inside. I gave 100% of my trust to him and now..I have nothing. He told he he'd never hurt me. He did a good fucking job this time. I hated you in the beginning Ryan. Especially for writing an e-mail telling me those things. But I started hating you less and less and I know it won't all completely go away but most of it will. I really don't understand why, either. You didn't really explain yourself too well. You said we'd spend the rest of our lives together. Where did we do wrong? I could tell this past week you wanted nothing to do with me. Or so it seemed. I didn't know what to think. Me having this vivid imagination...I thought the worst and here I am tonight. Writing this blog, so alone, hurting, wanting to die. I'd rather be dead than to have any of this hurt. I find something that makes me happy in life and it gets taken away. Will I ever be good enough for anyone? What is it? What don't I do right? What do I do wrong? Someone please tell me. I took the ring off tonight when I was on the phone with him and threw it in the grass. In a way, I wanna go out and look for it because that was the cutest thing anyone has ever done. How can I go on now? How can I be happy? I CAN'T. He thinks I'll forget about all this and move on soon. What he doesn't know is that he was my whole life. I didn't do things because I was afraid that I'd somehow, in some way, hurt him. I hated to hurt him and he promised me that he would never be the one to break us up again. His picture is my desktop and everytime I see it I start crying again. I can't delete it, I just can't. God!!!!!! What am I doing? Why am I writing's not like anyone cares. I love you so much Ryan. We had so many laughs. We were always there for one another. The thing I will miss the most is your laugh. You are the most adorable person I have ever met. You have the looks, the personality, sense of humor. Whoever the next girl is..she better take care of you. Maybe that's it? Maybe you met someone? Who knows. All the tears and the jokes. Ryna Bum and Stina Loaf will forever be. I don't wanna lose you completely. I want to be friends, although it's going to be so hard for me to do that. You can't just disappear on me, that won't be the best way to go. I'm sorry if anything I have written has made you upset, or if I hurt you in anyway. You have to know I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry I can't be perfect. I'm sorry I caused you so much stress, put so much pressure on you. You were my life, my world, my everything and the memories of you and me will always be with me. There won't be a day that goes by that I don't stop to think about you. You have made me the happiest girl alive in these past 4 months but now I feel like I have nothing to live for. You say I can still call you but I think I'd be annoying you. Please don't stop calling me. It would be so nice to talk to you every now and then. Normally I wouldn't associate with ex-boyfriends...but you are truely something special. You're gonna go somewhere in life and I'm gonna be able to say I knew you. I love you with all my heart, my soul, and my being. I'm sorry i wasn't good enough.


Posted by ny5/cuteitalian at 1:13 AM EDT
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Wednesday, 3 September 2003
.....get low
Get low, get low, get low, get low, get low...
To the windooooooowww, to the waaaalll...
To the sweat drip down my balls....

^HAHA.....greatest song



Posted by ny5/cuteitalian at 2:23 AM EDT
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Please dont tell me everything is wonderful now.
Ahhh! Sooooo happy right now! I love my boyfriend, Ryan, so much. :-D He's like the sweetest most funniest person ever. GAAAAWDD!! SO much love for you sweetie, so much love. *kisses*

Today was our 4 month anniversary! I can't believe we made it this far. I'm so happy with him and I hope to keep him just as happy for a long long time. =-O Teehee. He's like the cutest thing ever. He doesnt think so, but I know so. He makes the cutest voices and he does the funniest things. He's always laughing at me because he says I'm cute. haha I'm just a big ol DORK! We were so meant for one another, we get along so well. We have bascially the same sense of humor. We laugh at gross things haha like poop! I got him started on that! But yeah, in the end...this day turned out to be A GOOD ONE! I love you Ryan James Segovich, forever and always. :-*

-Sunday- Went with the parents to Lake George. I was gonna go parasailing BUT they raised the price and my dad wasn't gonna pay $75 dollars for me to go up in the air for 2-3 miles ((8-10 minutes)). So imma save up some money and do it next year. It looks like fun and I've wanted to do it for like 3 years now. Anyway, we had our last dinner at Guiseppies. It's an Italian restaurant up thurr. OMGOSH, it's sooooo good. There's this one waiter that reminds me of Ryan too. <-My mom pointed that out. Haha, but Ryan is soooo much better looking. :-D Then I was standing by the perttyful "fouin" and I had the urge to call muh baby. Teehee. He was all makin fun of me about the way I was saying "Fountain Thingy" haha. Once again, he's so cute. HE HAS ME ALL FIGURED OUT! On the way home, we stopped in Saratoga. They have little stores here and there all scattered out on this one main street ((basically like The Village of Lake George..but better)). They had bands on almost every street corner so we stood in front of this one girl, omg was she good, or like 45 minutes. My sister started dancing..haha. Funniest thing I ever saw. At the moment, I only wished Ryan was with me because she was singing all love songs and I saw nothing but old people holding hands or holding eachother. Arg! :-( Sad panda...=-O! I tried Italian Ice Cream. It's so much better than regular ice cream. After that I guess we went home and I did whatever.

-Monday- Did nothing....that sums up my day! :-D

Haha..ok it's like 2:22 and I think that I'm gonna go watch some tv and try to stay awake as long as I can. This is my last night to stay up late because school starts Thursday ((tomorrow)). GRRR! :-( In a way I want it to start but in another, I don't.

Well, I'm outtie.

I LOVE YOU RYAN...for like the 5th time! lol


Posted by ny5/cuteitalian at 2:21 AM EDT
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Saturday, 30 August 2003
Haven't you heard that I'm gonna be ok?
Yeah, so my day fucking blew. Everything went wrong today. My hair looks like shit, still. Got into 4 fights with my mom. Got into a fight with Jenna. I cut myself bad today with a knife but never told anyone so it's still bleeding. Oops. And the thing that really bothered me was that I didn't get to talk to Ryan. Well, scratch that. I talked to him for all of 2 minutes. GOD, I HATE THIS WHOLE APT THING CAUSE IT'S LIKE I DONT EXIST. :-( I'm dealing with it, but it's hard. I dunno what he'll think if he reads this. I don't want to lose him, but I feel like if a good amount of time sets in, he'll like find someone else? I hope not because he's my life. He's all that's keeping me alive. I get up each day for him. I honestly don't know what I would do without this guy. I remember when we broke up the first time (just under a month of being together), I felt like I wanted to die then..and I said it too. I can't even begin or want to imagine what it would be like to not be with him after 4 months. I would seriously fucking die.

It's like no one cares. None of my friends even pay attention to me anymore. Ever since I told them I needed time for myself, it's like they think I meant forever. THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT. I LOVE YOU GUYS. One thing that pisses me off about the girls is that whenever I need someone to talk to, or to go to, they don't seem to care. They push me away. But when they need help, where am I? RIGHT THERE FOR THEM. Seriously, why do I fucking try? Why do I make myself so unhappy over this?

Then there was that whole thing with my dad. Who was there every time I needed someone? NO ONE. My mom wanted nothing to do with me. Ryan was busy, but I know it's not his fault. MY FRIENDS WERE OFF HAVING FUN. Saying God knows what behind my back. Sometimes I wonder why I'm friends with them. Deidre seems a hell of a lot better than them sometimes. All they do is talk shit behind eachothers backs. How do I know? Because I used to do it. It's so immature. Michelle whores herself like she's a little slut and she's proud of it. How can someone be proud of that? It's WRONG.

God, sorry this entry has been nothing but bitching. But that's what I needed to do. I have nothing else to say.


Posted by ny5/cuteitalian at 12:02 AM EDT
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Thursday, 28 August 2003
I wrote a poem for Ryan, just thought I'd post it... :-)

(( ANGEL ))
Angel’s are not hidden
They are alive and true
I found one just the other day
When I met you.

I’ve been nothing but happy
Since I met you that day
You make my life complete
And to keep you I pray.

Now spread your wings and fly
With you take along my heart
For you hold the key
Now promise me we’ll never part.

You are a God send
Sent from above
I got all that I ever wanted
It was your love.

Now hold me close
And keep our love true
I don’t need anything else
In this life but you.

I love you baby...5.2.03

Posted by ny5/cuteitalian at 1:28 AM EDT
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...i look out my window but there doesnt seem to be anyone around
I didn't do much today, took a shower and threw my hair up, that's about it. It was just one of those mad lazy days when I didn't feel like going out anywhere.

I talked to my baby, Bum, tonight. :-) It's so good to hear his voice after not hearing it for like 24 hours. :-D Gaaah, he's so adorable. We get along so well, too. I can't help but look at his pictures and smile. He seems to have that affect on me a lot. I love him!

After dinner I was the one to wash the dishes because I was in a cleaning sort of mood. So after I did that, I decided I would make some brownies. When they were done I was still in a cooking mood so I went online and found a recipie for peanut butter cookies. Heheh. I have to admit, they came out pretty good.

Jess called me while I was on the phone with Ryan. So she called back. She was at her ex-boyfriends house. She has another boyfriend, he's mexican? Names Noah. Gosh, she reminds me of Deidre. How can ppl have so many different boyfriends. It seems like everytime I talk to one of them they always mention some new guy. It honestly makes me sick.

Anyway, I'm watching some really weird Lifetime movie so I think I'm gonna go. I know, this was just a bunch of rambling.

Krystina the windooooowww, to the wall


Posted by ny5/cuteitalian at 1:25 AM EDT
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Wednesday, 27 August 2003
...nobody knows what she's holding back
So I haven't updated this thing in a couple days. Woopsies! I haven't really been in the mood to sit here and write anything. It's like 2:00 AM. I'm not doin too good. :-\ Got to thinking about my dad some more, why? Why do I do that to myself? I don't even know. :-(

I talked to Ryan today, for a while. Gosh, I miss him so much. :-\ I'm dealing though. He means so much to me, I could never let him go. I don't even wanna think about that right now. It's really hard, ya know? I hope we get back to normal soon. He's the biggest part of my life right now. He's literally the only thing keeping me alive because the way I see it, there's nothing worth living for. I guess he's got some drama with a friend. I'm afraid to ask, so I'm not gonna. Not now anyway. I hate not knowing what's going on with him because I hate when he's upset or hurting. I love him with everything I have. I'm actually workin on another letter for him. That'll put him 2 letters behind, but I know he'll catch up when he has time. Did I mention how much I love him?! teehee

I saw Deidre in Hannaford today. She scared the living crap outta me. I guess she was there with her mom. She's staying with her for a lil while. She said she's starting school in Amsterdam until her father finds an apartment. Then she'll be going to school in Balston Spa. :-( I don't like the way she's turning out. She told me that she started smoking pot. That makes me so mad because I know she's better than that. She actually found someone she 'loves'..wait! She loves everyone she thinks is hot! Woopsies..! Hmm, but she's turned down some guys? But cheated on him 6 times with the same person. OMG..that makes me sick. How can someone even think about cheating on someone? Well...goodluck Deidre.

School starts in exactly a week. Gah! Shoot me now. I still have some more shopping to do. Gotta get books and shyt. Summer went by so needs to come back. :-(

My birthday's coming up soon, I'm excited about that too. Eh, one will remember. :-( I don't mean anything to anyone. I'm always here for someone when they've got problems or need to talk to someone. But when I need someone to talk to..where are they all? where to be found. Or too busy to talk. So, here I am, all alone...crying because everything is bottled up inside of me.

I have nothing else to Imma go write my babys letter. I'll write again tomorrow.


when i saw the break of day
wished that i could fly away
steada kneeling in the sand
catching teardrops in my hand...

Posted by ny5/cuteitalian at 2:13 AM EDT
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Saturday, 23 August 2003
La La La...'s soo early in the morning ((10:15)). I didn't get much sleep last night so I'm freakin tired. When am I ever up this early?! lol

We're going to Great Escape today! YAY..hehehe. My parents get outta work at 12..then we gotta pick Dee up at camp at about 1:30. :-D

I miss Ryan. :-\ Hopefully I get to talk to him today. We haven't really talked much in the past week because he's been so busy with everything. I can understand that but I just miss him soooooooooooooooooo much. I LOVE YOU BUM! :-* *kiss*
It's now 11 days until our 4 month...I can't believe 4 months have went by so fast. It seems like we've known eachother longer though. We really get along...gah I love hiiiim!!

I'm watching some Lifetime movie...when am I not? ehehee :-P Well, I'm out...pZ


Posted by ny5/cuteitalian at 10:19 AM EDT
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Well, it's 3:44 in the freakin morning and I'm not tired at all. I waited for the phone to ring, hoping that everytime it rang it would be Ryan. That call never came. :-( So I called him and he was pretty fucked up ((drunk)). ::sigh:: I don't wanna be ignored because that would hurt. :-\ I love him so freakin much, I don't even think he knows how much I love him.

I talked to Deidre for the first time in like 2 weeks today. She's been home and at camp. I asked her to go to GReat Escape with me tomorrow and I guess that's what I'll be doin all day. Hopefully my knee doesn't start to bug me, although I'm sure it will. Grrrrrrr....

Well, I didn't do much today. Just basically sat around all miserable. Mowed the some extra cash there.

I don't really feel like writing in here anymore so I guess I'll try to go to sleep..maybe watch some tv.



Posted by ny5/cuteitalian at 3:46 AM EDT
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Thursday, 21 August 2003
My first Blog
Well, I'm new at this and I just needed a place to let some things out. I know that some people will be/are mean about what some people write. But me, I don't really care what you people think because this is for me to write in and who cares if it's boring? NOTT MEEE!!

So I just got off the phone with Ryan. For you people who don't know who Ryan is, he's my boyfriend. Although we live in different states, we are very much in love. It's hard but we've made it work for 3 1/2 months so far. I really don't plan on letting him go either. We've broken up once and it was before our 1 month, but if we were to ever break up again..there's no doubt about it, it would be too hard. He will always be a part of me, forever. Ryan's moving in with his friends, Bill and BJ, today. He was telling me how excited he was and how he was one step away from living on his own. I'm so happy for him, but I'm a little worried. With girls and everything. I know for sure I can trust him but you know as well as I do, we all have issues. I've given him all of my trust and my heart and I know that it's safe with him.

To you, Ryan. If you ever read this, I love you with all of my heart and soul. Forever and always. :-*

I have this friend, Jessica, who lives in South Carolina. She lived here, in NY, for 15 years of her life. We've been best friends since kindergarden. Things kind of fell apart sophmore year of high school. We got into a fight and it was about some writing on lockers. She and her friend, Michelle, had written on both mine and Deidre's lockers and then denied it. I got mad at her because she lied, so we were pretty mad at eachother. She had really changed since we got into HS and she didn't realize it. She said that I made her do drugs, that's how she got put in a psycho hospital. To this day she still reminds me of it. I don't see how I would have made her do anything. It really bothers me, but I know it's not true. She left without saying goodbye about a year and a half ago. She moved to SC to live with her mother and her boyfriend. She calls every now and then from a friends house because her mom doesn't have a phone. She doesn't like it down there because people are mean to her. She was supposed to come back here to live with me, but then I realized after talking about it with Ryan, how I wouldn't have any privacy. I'm not one for sharing my room, I like to be alone a lot and I know that when she lived here and was over here every weekend, I would get annoyed with her. Eh, we'll see what happens.

Wow, my dad's gettin old. He's 52! Gosh, my parents are really getting old. I can't believe I'm almost done with school. I don't even know what I want to do with my life. Most of my family, on my moms side, are doctors and nurses. The money's good but I don't want to be stuck doing something that I'm not happy doing. I doubt that it would be a boring job, I like working with people. Even though I'm really shy, I'll overcome that some day. We'll see where life takes me...

I really need to find a job because I hate asking my parents for money. I feel really guilty. :-\ Soon enough, soon enough. I wanna do something like waitress. My mom says I'd be good at it because I'm fast and I'd get it done right. Lets see where that takes me.

Schools about to start soon. Ugh. I missed a whole bunch last year. I'm not proud of it, but whatcha gonna do? I'm saying this now, but I know it won't happen. I'm going to go to school everyday and I'm going to do all my work. Now, lets see how well it works out, eh?

I've come to the conclusion that I can't play softball or runt rack because of my knee. I really wanted to because I kinda took the year off last year. Having done those since 4th grade, I needed a year to myself. I talked about it with my mom, she said she didn't miss running to games. :-O Hmmm...maybe I will play and just suck it up. I know I won't be on the same team (Kool Dipper) because I missed a year. Grrrr....why'd I do that? I liked my coach and the people I played with. ::sigh::

I guess this entry was a little pointless. Kind of rambled in it. So, I guess I'll end it.

"Dreaming of the person you want to be, is waisting the person you already are"

Stina Loaf

Posted by ny5/cuteitalian at 11:16 PM EDT
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