I am lazy. If telecare is on TV, and the remote isn’t within 2 feet of my reach, you can bet your sweet ass that I am going to know the entire Old Testament before I unglue my ass from that couch to get the remote. But I think the biggest example of male laziness can be found in young boys. Those little guys are always playing with themselves, always holding on to their nuts like an evil squirrel is coming for them. Why do little boys prefer to play with their pps instead of their toys? Because its easier. Why walk the 4 feet to pickup your sponge bob board game, when you can just fire your hand down your Oshkosh Bigosh overalls like a Lil Al Bundy? Not only is it easier, but playing with yourself does not require the 2-4 players ages 5 and up that the board game requires.
Old women are ruthless, honest to God. A poke by one of their skeleton fingers causes enough pain to send a healthy human being’s health into a downward spiral, causing malaria, the black plague, and syphilis. And if they grab your arm instead of just poking you, forget about it. Its over. It’s like a stray pit-bull locking on to a juicy pork chop; You need 6 grown men (preferably lumber jacks) and the jaws of life just to pry this prune like hand off your arm. They can’t even stand up straight, but they have grip that could put someone in a coma. Whatever man, im just glad I give my grandma a kiss on the cheek when I say hello to her instead of shaking her hand
They say if you’re ever trapped in a desert, you could live a few days longer by drinking your own urine. First off, it’s unlikely you’re going to have a cup to put this urine into, so not only are you drinking your own urine, but now you’re also peeing in your own hands. Now all men have done this before, but this time it would be on purpose. But regardless,I wouldn’t do it anyway-ive never been a big fan of Apple Juice
I had this really fat math teacher one school year. She was the sweetest woman I ever met, but the woman made John Goodman look petite. And the god damn woman always had the window open, always. This one time in the middle of December, we were sitting in class, and she’s up by the blackboard teaching, with a skirt and a tank top on, sweating like Bobby Brown at a customs check. All of a sudden she starts staying “it’s a little warm in here? A lil warm huh?” Meanwhile, 2 kids in the back of the room are now covered in a huge snow drift that built up in the classroom due to the open windows. While the other classmates begin to take turns sled riding down the human mound, I look over at the anorexic girl in the corner who is now officially looking like Frosty the Snowman on speed. In addition to Cracked out Frosty and the huge accumulation of snow in the back of the classroom, I notice every girl in the classes nipples are out like a gay pride parade. As the anorexic girl officially goes into shock from being frozen over, I cant help but chuckle as my math teacher stands there whipping her head, continuing to throw out the question to the class “It’s a little hot in here right? A little hot huh?”
My dad hates comedy clubs. Hes always afraid the comedian is going to single him out and “pick on him”. He says “I don’t want to go Dave, I don’t know why, but they always seem to target me”.. I pretend to act all baffled by his remark, like “You dad? Nooo Cmon..Why would they pick on you? You’re just a middle aged balding man, with glasses which have lenses so big, it looks like you’re looking out two windows on a sky scraper, you got a gut that would put Santa Claus to shame, and you think wearing an undershirt is “business casual.. Cmon dad, lets be serious here, why would he single you out?”
I despise older drivers. I estimate that a round trip from New York to Florida by car would take 25, 30 minutes max. These people cant see, can’t hear, don’t even know where they are, but yet they still operate these thousand pound death traps. They act as if they are entitled to owning the road because they solved the mystery on yesterdays episode of Matlock before the characters on the show did. They proved me wrong though. I used to always say the only thing old people are good for are watching them fall down the stairs like a slinky. Apparently, they’re good for making you late, whenever you’re driving, wherever you’re driving to.
I want to be a legislator. When I become one, im going to make a law. If you’re a male over the age of 60 years old, you must get your ear hair trimmed every 2 weeks. Its like all the hair on their head decided to go back into their head, and come out their ears. Why do you think they can’t hear? Cause their hearing is going? Not quite… It’s because they have more fuckin hair in their ears than Diana Ross had on her head at the height of disco. I saw an old man go into the barbers a few days ago, not for a haircut so to speak, but an ear trim.. When he came out and he yelled at me across the street for breathing too loud.. It was incredible. But seriously, cut the ear hair, and do us all a favor. Cause if u don’t, u know what Legislator Kosich is going to? Im going to revoke ur drivers license. Such a law will not only guarantee that I wont have to deal with their ear hair, but will assure ill never be late again to another destination
You ever been at a red light and start inching up. The person in front of you moves up like 2 ¼ inches so you move up 21/4 inches too. We all do it. But why? Why do we do it? Is it going to make you arrive quicker to wherever you’re going? Of course not, because fuckin granny is still on the road.
You ever talk to someone and they say something that seems absolutely bogus, and when you confront them, they say “No, No, ITS TRUE, honest, I read it somewhere” What if I said that I read something, and it stated that Oprah is Skinny, Elvis lives on, Clay Aikens real birth mother was a southern black woman named Aunt Jimmamah, and Hillary Clinton was impregnated by aliens. Don’t believe me? Well believe it, cause I read it. And then of course when you ask them where they read it, they are always like Im not sure, but I read it somewhere.. So you ask them, did you read this in the Wall Street journal, the New York Times, the New Yorker.. was it the Bible? Oh MY,WAS THIS THE WORD OF GOD? Then they go “ohhh i remember now, I read it in the Enquirer”
A little advice for all men. If you want to have children, ALWAYS, ALWAYS perform a right angle with your legs when you’re sitting down. Anything less than 90 degrees is begging for trouble. But as far as i am concerned, any man who is able to put their legs in any other position but the 90 degree “Safety Angle” isn’t a man anyway. Cause if u digressed even the slightest bit, say 89.4 degrees, you wouldn’t have nuts at that point, and therefore wouldn’t be a man. Sure you may still look like a man and have a mans voice, but that finely grated powder made up of skin and tissue that once made up your testicles isn’t going to help convince anyone of your manhood.
I refuse to make a substantial purchase without buying some sort of warranty or service plan on the product. Cause I brake everything I own. This way, when it breaks, I get a new one for free or they fix it for me, for free. Wouldn’t it be great if they had that on children? It would go something like this:
Woman in charge of Warrany---“Mr. Kosich, i am afraid ur child choked on a McDonalds happy meal toy”
Me---“Well you listen to me Ms, it says here on this warranty(which was purchased at the hospital gift shop back when my wife gave birth to my son) that “ a replacement will be giving at no cost” NO COST, meaning I don’t have to romance my wife or say nice things to her in order to knock her up again… And wait? What does that say on the bottom of the warranty?.. You owe me another happy meal too?”
Just when I would think I was going to get another kid for free the lady would shoot me down.
Woman---“Well sir, you clearly were warned about the dangers of the toy, it says on the package “Contains small parts that may cause choking. Do not give to young children”. And telling your son, and I quote “ Eat the toy instead son, daddy is too tired and cheap to get up and order more nuggets” isn’t going to help your case either.
I want to name my kids after people I don’t like, this way, in the unfortunate case that I do have to hit or spank my kids, I wont feel bad doing so. Ill just be like “Oprah, GOD DAMN YOU, take my car keys again and give them away to random people seated in your studio audience and i am going to spank your little white booty”…And you Hitler, you little basterd, pick on Saul Rosenblatt from next door again, and i am going to give u a good Auschiewtz all over your Aryan ass” Hitting your child is so controversial. If you hear a parent in the grocery store threaten to smack their children, you see all the people around them gasp and start starring. If your child is screaming and yelling and is that out of control, maybe a good smack will do them good. Whys it matter what people think? The yelling and screaming from the kid is already drawing attention, so it wont make a difference if you smack them, cause people are already watching. Might as well give them a good lesson in the process.
I remember the time my mom bent me over a sales rack at K Mart, pulled my pants down, and gave me a good spanking, right there in front of everybody. I’ll never forgive her for it.. As it stands, I still haven’t talked to her since that faithful day last week.
I cant wait to be a father. But I feel like id be lost if I had a daughter instead of a son. Cause while lil boys are picking their noses, scabs, and asses; girls are picking roses and daises. I can just picture what it would be like if I was having a tea party with my daughter. The three of us would be sitting there, me, my daughter, and her favorite doll Molly. When all of a sudden, a big fart is released into the atmosphere. Then my daughter would go “Daddy what was that?”… I would respond with the following- “Well honey, it seems like you forgot to use lactaid milk in daddies, errrr ummm, Molly’s tea, and now her tummy is making funny noises”. Then she’ll be like, “Daddy, what’s that smell?”… “Well honey, it seems you burned the fake tea when you were pretending to make it, and now you smell the tea that burned”… “Daddy?’”… Yes sweetheart?” “What’s that brown stuff on your pants”.., “well honey, daddy um, daddy, DADDY SHIT HIMSELF, I SHIT MYSELF OK?” But then I would probably catch myself, and quickly fix the situation “ I MEAN DADDY POOPED HIMSELF THAT’S ALL, JUST A LIL POOP”
You ever been up at like 3 in the morning and an infomercial comes on trying to get you to buy some bull shit program for getting rich. You know it s all lies, but you just cant help yourself. I’ve done those a few times. Now when people ask me what I do for a living, I tell them “Well, I sell waterfront properties and other real estate out of my basement, many of which I purchased in exchange for 124 bucks and Doritos I found underneath the middle cushion of my couch. In addition to that, I have a successful eBay company that grosses me over 20 grand a week by selling antiques, porn, and my soul. And besides those 2 ventures, I also go to school full time.” Then I ask them “I am sorry, what was it you said you did again? Your only a brain surgeon?”
Masturbation catches a really bad knack, and that’s a shame. As much as I would like to have a girlfriend, there are positives to not having one. For instance, I never have to buy my hand flowers, never have to take it out,and I don’t have to call it every night on the phone and answer grueling questions like “where do you see our relationship down the road?” and “what are you thinking right now?”. In the defense of the whole relationship thing, masturbation does have negatives. Much like holding the door open for a girl, I often have to hold my zipper open. Also my penis goes through periods much like the menstrual cycle of a woman, in which it gets moody and wont do anything I ask. And just like most women, my penis gets tired of me very quickly, and refuses to work with me. And much like the female gender, when things get difficult, or more realistically, when things get hard with the penis, it changes drastically and controls your life.