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Autumn currently feels:
Silly me! here's the link
Newest page *Just can't seem to shake this damn sense of confusion and wanting. No, I cannot answer why. But I know that I must come out of this trance someway...somehow...*
::-Have you ever felt drawn or haunted by the dead? As if they were still around?-::
*I figured that I should have posted this on the first day that I started this, but as I said on that day, I didn't know what I was doing >_< okay! You DON'T have to agree with me on that one!! And thus, lo and behold, thou see the results of my boredom!
::-Madonna-::I Want You::
Last updated-::15.8.02::-
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27/7/02 ::Day One::
Help!I don't know what I'm doing..... current Yokohama time is 7:05 am Must get ready to face the day ahead. I'm sort of looking foward to this[[blogging]]. Yesterday, it took me a while to understand that I needed a change... ...I'm feeling my usual groggy self so I'm not completly freaked by feeling any new emotions I've been feeling...hmmm...It's going to take a while to pull this whole thing together, if it's going to work...everything's beginning again.....
Love,
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6/8/02 ::Day Two::
Not doing nothing now,'cept listenting to
Keiko Matsui's
Dream Walk...perfect for ::LOvE MAkiNG:: Well it's actually been awhile since I last written anything. I just can't think of anything to say. Well, i'm proud to finally have this going, I still have lots of work to do on this site and in RL. I miss my baby..how I wish he would come to me....!!
Love,
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7/8/02 ::Day Three::
*:Sigh:* Hello all! I don't think I have much to write about today. *lol* what I surprise I bet, well, I'm not particularly feeling full of surprises today. I've been doing okay, the hospital let me home on the twenty-third of June(I'll explain later), I still feel tired as usual. by the way, how do you like the new set? nice isn't it, when I saw it, I had to have it, it's a little bit more of a stationary type set than the others I've used and not to mention in my most favorite color too! LOL I knew you'd like it!
Love,
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8/8/02 ::Day four::
Okay since i've got a sudden itch to blog! There's something I've been wanting to tell you, something i haven't even been able to even tell my mother or gossip partners. You may want to take a deep breath before I tell you, but just prepare for what I have to say. Well, some weeks ago I got such a scare! I noticed that I haven't really been receiving my "monthly curse" like I should at all lately and I've been getting sick in the morning, like my stomach has been doing cartwheels! Though I've been through this type of sickness and worry several times, it still bothers me, I haven't been with anyone *AT ALL* I told my doctor about my new problem and she says that I'm not pregnant but it's my diet and stress. I sometimes worry myself so sick and I have no one around to help me out much and the only reason that I missed my "monthly" is because of medication and all the testing I've been going through. the doctors say I should be back to normal in no time. (((YoU COuLD PRobABlY IMaGinE tHE lEVEL oF "PIssED OFf anD HApPIneSS i WAs oN)))
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10/8/02 ::Day Five::
Okay peeps here's the deal, I moved finally finished my cliques *exited jumping around* section and so far so good,and what a day it has been. I never felt so proud and so sleepy at the same time! I figure all of this sudden grip of stress'll kill me, if the HTML doesnt do it first. I'm much to tired now to write but I :-[PROMISE!]-: You a good juicy story when I'm up to it. 'k? Night Night.. Take care of yourselves
Love,
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13/8/02 ::Day Six::
Hi all. I figured I would stop being lazy and finally update this crap before I totally forget about it. Sorry for such a loooooooong time leaving you with nothing, I've been feeling under the weather lately. This sappy feeling is getting pretty old. So much so that I don't remember what it would feel like If I weren't depressed. One second I'm walking on clouds the next I'm flying around in a whirlwind of melencholy, pity, confusion,longing, and lust. Last night came to me as a weary and empty one. As I paced around my room, of course, my mind was on Mike..but something inside me felt so empty and I couldn't help the situtation one way or another, like some force bigger than I commands my every move. Like a trance...a curse.
I dressed ready to go to bed but I didn't until...ahh...about 2:10 am. After pacing some more in the dim, dire, lights,I sat on my bed, listening to depressing music and having had three smokes (yes, I had kicked that habit two children back, but it was called for this time) It dawned on me that I wanted a change in my relationship with mike..but what was the change to be?? That was the question ripping my head (and heart) apart, I was very anxious, I can't just flat out tell him that, it would scare him as well as break both of our hearts but heaven knows that I would sell my very soul for him! I still want him, have feelings for him. I hope he knows it too...
So?? What makes this feel like a curse another man, a memory of a certain someone had popped (unenvited and unexpectedly) into my mind to haunt and torment me further here on earth, and it seemed as if he were drawing me back to him.. Just a single look of an old beautiful black and white photograph brought on a flood of memories and seemed to draw me into the world of the dead. It felt as if his spirit could position himself in Mikes' place and it goes on and on until days finally turn into a week! A whole week of mourning and depression! The sudden need to see him becomes a temporary obsession and I felt feelings that were only reserved for Michael...it felt so wrong...and((weird)) after years of his death and giving Mike all my love...he decides to tug my heart strings, I even dremt it. After convincing myself why I should only focus on Michael, I prayed for God to fill this empty hole in my heart and save me from this euphoric hell. I know it sounds beyond crazy, but I realized I've been living in a dream world lately. I now laugh at this because I feel *some* sort of clairty of who I belong to (Mike). And Mike if you're reading this now, please forgive me for all that I put you through, my sweet darling dear.. I know I can break free of this....If I can find it in me to survive ...and with the way I'm feeling...survival seems futile.....
Love,
What type of Bishounen are you? Find out at artificial-soul.net by Rin.
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15/8/02 ::Day seven::
Name: Akiko
Nickname(s): Le, mama, mom, bitch,
sexy-whore, sweetface, Aki, Autumn, woman, the list goes on...
Age: You want the truth???
Nationality: Japanese/American..your choice! ;)
Birthplace: Yokohama, Japan
Hometown: Yokosuka, Japan
Current living in..: Yokosuka, Japan
Birthday: October 16
Astro Sign: libra
Married: no
Virgin?: no
Location: Yokosuka, Japan
Natural hair color: Raven black
Current hair color: "Midnight Love" some crazy name like that but it's traditionally black :>_<:
Eye color: dark brown
Height: 5'7"
Weight: Lets just say my shadow weighs more than I do!
Are you Bi....lingual?: Yes
Wearing?(now): Grey ath. shirt and white gym shorts w/ baby blue side stripes.
Piercings: Two, my ears
How much do you love your job [1 to 10]: ehhh 7.. not that much to even answer this question!
Doing?: You *would* ask.
Where?: in my house.
Been to Africa: No...an old dream of mine to visit though
Loved somebody so much it made you cry? YES DEFINATELY
Coffee or Coffee ice cream? I don't drink or
eat coffee. Chocolate alone is my wakeup call
Blanket or Stuffed animal: Both. Stuffed animal(preferably hello kitty) or a
pillow
Number: 8
Day of the week: Friday
Flower: Wisteria
Sport to watch: I dun like to watch sports, I
like to ::o ::swim::o::
When was your last hospital visit?: Yesterday, at work.What color is your bedroom carpet? Some sort of crazy color, not white not grey??
Bedtime: whenever I find time to go to
sleep!
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