::Aki's endless sorrow::

::UPDATE! 7:11:03:::

Spankin new Ayumi mood icons fer ur vewin pleasure!





-4-27-2003-Guess whos back! It's 10:14 pm and I am sooo tired! I hope you guys like the new lay It's Ayumi Hamasaki. She is a wonderful singer!Thanks Mariko-chan for the lovely icon!^_^


-4-28-03-Blah

Hi all! Hope u guys r happy 2 see me after my 1000 yr. hiatus. I kinda like the job that I did all in one day which left me running on empty but I hate it b/c its a watered-down version of what i can't afford @ lj :*( and I'm still not finished Grrrrarww!! Got exams all this week. I was so pissed off cause the fucking freshmen and sopHOmores got late arrival when they're the ones having to pass the state mandated 'TAKS' test to graduate in which trying to describe how gay it is seems useless. War headlines: My crush is still a damn asshole! Seems like I'm winning but the fucker is taking some other whore to prom. Which, #1 I don't give a shit about *prom* anyway but we're still @ war and not speaking w/ each other(I'll explain later)and #2 yeah i'm insecure i'm not supposed to care,right? But I wanna suck up so bad!! I've been having..fantasies..of doing so! I'm such a slut (yay)I know he still wants to do more than suck up but everytime I see him he acts like he doesn't get enough attention at home or in bed... why wont he die!anyway The monthly issue was delivered to my door a little bit after 1st period It hurt so bad I had to go to the nurse after lunch. All day I've been avoiding the eveitable 'cause you know how it is when you know the odds are against you even the ppl you never thought would be are too. I was in girls p.e. and you'd swear those whores would have nothing to do w/ their lives but to talk shit. I talked to one of the girls (with sense) in that class and she was like "You're always getting mad @ ppl that hate on you" which made me feel...milky...I suppose, No ones' life isn't so fucked up where they would have their say on *yours*. *sigh* I should have died years ago..
OMG I AM SO OBSESSED WITH HER SITE


-4-29-03-Brief list of Historical Suicide Kings

nothing special for today but a list of famous guy suicides
-Suicide Kings-
Adolph Hitler
Merriwether Lewis (questionable)
Crown Prince Rudolph Joseph of Austria-Hungary
Marc Antony
Nero
Romeo Montague


-5-3-03-Prom Night

This is gay! I am stuck home on the night of the Senior prom. Sitting here doing nothing but thinking what a great time they are all having and I'm not there. It would probably make sense 'cause I'm not a senior! Cedar Hill is stupid anyway. Everyones' prom was fri. night. Duncanville, Desoto, even Carter High school! They probably wont have fun tonight looking at all the stupid fish @ the Dallas Aquarium. Whats the fucking prom colors!? blue?! I'm just saying how faggety my school is they're thinking about taking away prom for next year. Graaaaah! But still I have all this energy and want to go somewhere. *sigh* This morning I woke up at 7 am and got to the beauty shop @ 8ish it wasn't at all crowded like it normally is on saturdays but still I didn't get home until after their closing time (1pm) which took up 90% of my day. I got a new dress (not for prom ~:( ) but I had to go home and clean out my closet...literally. I had so much shit stuffed in there I had 2 laundry baskets full of old clothes.jeez! A friend of mine told me how this guy had wanted to go out on a date with her and would give her 2g's if she would. @ first I though it was bullshit and she was all like my boyfriend will kick your ass and he said I don't care what your boyfriend does I just wanna date w/ you. She said it for herself folks that shit is only supposed to happen in movies. He kept pulling out 10's 20's and 100's and she wouldn't even let the guy take her to the food court and buy her a hamburger! LOL!! HaHA! Men are so pathetic! They don't get it. If he had 2g's then it would probably be a down payment on his jalopy with a half eaten burrito from 7/11 in it. Loser.


-5-29-03-Last day of school

Well folks, we've reached the end. Time to hang up the backpacks and the nagging teachers 4 good. Not in my case cause I have to go to summer school but I be damned if I go. Anyway, sorry my faithful ones for being away for so long. Exams and crap (which undoubtedly I passed hopefully), well not really the exams that's been keeping me so let me give you a re-cap of just about all thats been shakin' w/ me. Grab some snacks cause this is gonna take a goood minute.

Okay everyone is sooo damned excited for the seniors graduating except me cause my crush (I thought) was leaving turns out the little bastard wasn't and we were still battling each other so I decide to turn the tables on him by getting him a little grad gift and sending him on the way so I gather up my guts and give it to him the next day and we're a loving couple again but then there was someone else and so there was the wole jealousy thing and then I took pics of him when he was w/ someone else (which i will post soon to humiliate him! *evil cackle*) and then I was really distressed because things weren't the same when we started back being nice to me. I know he only wants my attention and he'll have it tomorrow so enough of that. Anyway I also found out that my friend is moving all the way to virgina or something because of her credits and stuff :*( she's always been there for me and I don't know what to do on my own and I won't see her until the second semester of my senior year!!! All I have left is some stupid feelings and undeveloped photos and bittersweet memories.Since then I've been driving myself up the wall w/ depression and overwhelming humility! I am finally passing chemistry with a 70! I just pray I passed that exam. However I told everyone that I'll be heading to california this summer so (more tears) I'll be away even more! Something in me is dying. Maybe its just my brain cells. Agree?

-5-29-03-Laura-Words from a perfect broken angel

This is by far the sweetest gift from a friend written for me. Thank you Laura, you've blown *me* out the water! You make me realize how lucky I really am!

For Alicia October 9, 2002

Long ago I remember
Around the month of September
When my life was a black room
Dimly lit and crushed by doom
No one knew for no one understood
But who, after all, ever could?
Then in the midst of black and whites
I stumbled upon a message from Ancient Sites
A lovely young maiden who was also blue
The only one who could feel my pain, it's true
So to her I poured out my thoughts
And together we tried to connect the dots
Our emotions, our lives all in pieces
But confiding in you was my recess
You never thought me silly or mad
Foolish, naive or even bad
You knew what black was like and understood
You see, Alicia, you were the only one that ever could Through many ups and downs
Tears and smiles and pouty frowns
Have you remained to me so much more than an online friend
But the sister I will love through and through till the end.

-Laura Schiotis

-5-30-03-I'm a silent starlet!



I'm ready for my close-up, Mr.DeMille
Take the which Silent Starlet are you quiz!


-6-03-03-S-E-X!


YAY! I did it. well not quite all the way. Summer lover and I got together and almost did it. Mom has been fucking getting on my nerves like everythings' my fault now that she's all 'holier than thou'now. *sigh* anyway. I invited crush #1 over while my parents were away at work he came over just to start off with a game of Mortal Kombat:deadly aliance and then I kept loosing because he kept teasing me so I decided to play another game, lost at that and he teased me some more so then we were talking then he asked me if he wanted him to make me feel better and then the best kiss we ever shared took place for a time that seemed priceless and eternal then we starded the usual grindin' and stuff! Ahh! Finally, down to the moment of truth he took 'it' out and wanted to suck. I started to but I didn't really know how. Okay so that just proves that I'm not a big a slut you think I am but we almost fucked (on my couch) and he said he didn't have a condom while I was straddling and kissing him. I did but something held me back so I just rode him this all happening on my couch but when it was all over I had forgot to tell him I was on my period and there was blood all on the bottom of his shirt. I was so embarrassed and I just burst out laughing. He seemed okay about it and kept going. It was sooo like heaven w/ him on top of me but we didn't get our clothes off. It all seemed right but I think I still have a ways to go before I find my first..

-6-04-03-WHY!!


WHY!!! Y'all WHY! Me and men don't mix! I'm hurt. What the hell else can I say?! Today a friend of mine called me and we were talking about perms and then she just automatically blew my day by changing the subject to my crush. Okay, heres the problem tho. I knew he had a girlfriend it's just that when she swiched subjects on me like that to my crush she brought up how my crush and his girlfriend were going out, just to rub it in BITCH! That they were going to take pictures and blah blah blah and she was just laughing @ it like I wasn't supposed to be hurt knowing that he and I are after each other. I mean yeah we treat each other like shit in public (me getting treated badly more than him)but when were alone he's all over me! Caress(friend/schoolmate/mom/a piece of me)tells me that he's using me, she has the same ordeal w/ another guy but I didn't have sex all the way w/ my crush. Thats all that matters now in my mind However back to the phone conversation with my "friend" when she told me all this I was like.."Um...yeah..let me call you back" all the while trying to glue back my cracking heart. Assuming, also, that she knew what was going on between him and I. That him and I were inches away from having sex...dammit, I'm still embarassed by getting blood all over his shirt lol. But hell, it hurts so much. I'm fucking pissed and just what was my 'friend' trying to prove by telling me that my crush and his girlfriend were going to take pics together. I wonder, is she pretty? Stay tuned to see what goes down between me and that bastard @ summer school.

-6-18-03-Kiss my class


!just thought y'all might like to know that ;)Holla! (Yeah Yeah I'll have my cliques page up soon)

-7-01-03-BACK!!


'k. been a month since I posted, I know! Sorry I left u guys hangin. Nothing much here tho. Monday was my last day of summer school! HA! and I passed w/ a 78 average! I'm cool! And as for me and my main squeeze, we're still not speakin. Last wednsday, I believe, he came clean w/ my best friend rather than me about how he felt after I wrote him this sucky love letter like a week ago. I was too much of a little punk to call him by myself so Caresse had called him on 3 way. So when he answered I told him I was @ her house and I asked a favor :x When I try my best to almost communicate w/ him the best I can he hung up in my face! Come to find out he called back after I "left" her house and he asked for me and they talked forever said crap like: "I didn't mean to lead you on" and "I think we should be friends cause I see a future w/ my girlfriend" what bulls***!! I was too heartbroken to talk on the phone anymore so I just hung up thinking where does it leave me?!?! I knew he had sorta had a girlfriend yeah yeah my fault! But I didn't care a long as he was happy w/ her and she wasn't treating him like shit, you know. Anyway, he's leaving for the Navy in Jan. next year :*( and I'll still be stuck here! He says that one day he'll come get me soon and talk out everything and we should be friends and stuff. Friends marry? Don't they....?

-7-03-03-SHOCK!!PANIC!!


Hahaha! It's 11:55pm CST and it's time to bitch! LOL I hung out w/ Caresse on mon. we went to go get our nails done and she went on and on about her sex-capades which made my luv life look like :\ but she told me how much of a sex freak her 1/2 jamacian bf is over her and we always make fun of his accent 'cause he's always "Oh bloody" and "you're killing me" Yeah..I'd kick his foreign ass. Or ozz as they say there. BIGGEST SHOCK OF MY LIFE YESTYERDAY! Caresse called me like at 4pm while I was in the middle of my mandatory afternoon nap and said my crush got shot! Can u imagine what that's like being waken up in the middle of your nap! How rude of some ppl. But She was like "Yeah Lenard got shot and I think he's in the hospital. They said th bullet was all the way in the bone and they can't get it out!" I almost died. And ppl when I say my heart jumped out of my throat! It just all reminded me that we're all mortal and capable of dying but somehow while she was telling me all this my mind raced to and fro like: "I knew he was going to end up this way" and "This can't be true!" and NOOO! for those four and a half seconds the world around me shattered and collapsed and I felt my insides turn outside and sink in the very bed I sat on! Then when we called the faggots' house he was like. "Shot?! Ummm..no. I'm @ the house chillin." Pissed? Me?! Try just a little higher than that but relieved though. I just couldn't picture anyone other than myself pulling a gun on him. Anyway, Laura if ur out there and reading this I love ya and I haven't forgot you! Hows college? Life treating you okay? Plz write me soon. I miss yas!!!!!!

-7-04-03-Happy Independence day ya'll!


Hi all! R u feeling independent today. I am. I got to drive my car today. I have my licence and all but my parents are too immature to let me drive. Anyways I didn't do much so far but stay online all day and did a bit of shopping. I thought I saw my <3 while I was out. But I'm so cracked out right now everyone is starting to look like him. I didn't call Caresse and I didn't call my other home girl to let her know that I wasn't going to Trinity Fest in Downtown Dallas. I wanted to. Bad. Cause I have nothing to do! It feels like lately I've been getting everything I want. Thank you God! But I bet not before a breath of a moment my shiny carriage will turn back into a pumpkin and my prince back into an a**hole. Oh yeah. I still want sex w/ Lenard <3!

-7-04-03-Survey


Welp. I just got back from watching fireworks. It was koo but it sucked cuz we had to watch from the car going down the street and everyone else was parked an' chillin! Mom kept running her mouth @ the party thingie :0 and we missed most of it. But I had a nice time, ate lots of food, got all hot and sticky from the heat. Ppl down the street are still at it so we got a show in our front yard. Neighbors blowing up shit in the middle of the street @ 11, hehhehe I helped :x it was fun. Have to go bathe now I'm all sweaty and sticky..signing off w/ this survey. Night <3

1. What time is it? 7:36 PM.

2. Name: Alicia Danielle Thomas

3. Name as it appears on birth certificate: Alicia Danielle Thomas

4. Nickname(s): Aki, Li, Li-Li, Lisha, Dumb bitch ect...

5. Number of candles on your last birthday cake: #1 and #6 ^_^

6. Rock 'n Roll or Country: umm Rock 'n roll I guess!

7. Pets: none

8. Hair color: Dark dark brown with *very* faint reddish tint

9. Piercings: Ears. Coming soon:Belly button and Tounge

10. Eye color: Brown.

11. How much do you love your job? Trying to find one to love.

12. Hometown: Dallas, TX

13. Current Residence: Cedar Hill

14. Favorite foods: Pizza, doughnuts, chinese food

15. Been to Africa? Noope.

16. Been toilet papering? Nope..one of those things I wanna do b4 I die

17. Love someone so much it made you cry? Ohhh yeah

18. Been in a car accident? I think

19. Croutons or bacon bits? Croutons. You can eat them by themselfs!!

20. Favorite day of the week: Fridays and Saturdays.

21. Favorite word or phrase: Loser and Suck

22. Favorite Restaurant: Empress Chinese Buffet!

23. Favorite flower: Mmm..Lotus blossom any water plant I LOOOVE the water

24. Favorite sport to play: Surfing (net..surfing!)

25. Favorite drink: Fanta, juices, Strawberry and Vanilla milk, coffee

26. Favorite ice cream: Strawberry and napoleon=^_^=

27. Disney or Warner Bros.: Disney, of course!

28. Favorite fast food restaurant: McDonalds, Subway, Taco Bell ect.

29. What color is your bedroom carpet: A faded hunter green

30. How many times did you fail your drivers test: Once

31. Before this one, whom did you get your last e-mail from: Laura

32. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card: Charlotte Russe, Rainbow, Bath and Body works any store I'm into

33. What do you do most often when you are bored: Sleep, talk on the phone, sleep, surf the net ect.

34. Most annoying thing people ask me: How old are you. More of a height thing than of age b/c ppl always think I'm in the 6th grade, 12, or something.

35. Bedtime: Strictly Midnight or Afternoon

36. Who will respond to this email the quickest? Gee..

37. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond: me.

38. Favorite TV show: Lupin III, The Chapelle show, Trigun, Cowboy Bebop and Tough Crowd w/ Colin Quinn!

39. Last person you went out to dinner with: Umm..My mommy I think..

40. Ford or Chevy: Chevy

41. Time you finished this e-mail: 7:43 PM.

-7-05-03-My luv is like Wo!


Last night was fun, despite being eaten alive by a thousand mosquitos. I miss my <3 I drove him away with that mushy love letter. I'm supposed to be getting into buying a home w/ caresse soon. I don't know where to start except to get a realtor to get a good town house at least until the end of 2004, then I'll be 18. (Heads up to all my fans: the big countdown to my B-day begins Aug.1!!) anyway I thought I saw lover again but I'm just trippin. Everything reminds me of him Like Beyonces' "Crazy in Love" which I'm starting to hate, and the old Nissan Altima he drives. I'm still sorta hoping to lose my virginity to him b4 he leaves. WHAT?!?! Yeah, I said it V-I-R-G-I-N-I-T-Y!And I'm jealous Yes, jealous of his gf. I wonder if she's even pretty. Probably not. My <3 has always had bad taste anyway in everything. I don't care that he's w/ her just as long as he's happy w/ her then I'm coo. I'm thinking about changing the lay too but I'm too lazy and it *is* getting sorta dull, huh? Any suggestions? I like the other journals I see. The ppl all seem to have more interesting lives than me(and a lot of time on their hands) but at the same time lives revolve around the internet like mine. 1



mood |estatic [09 Jul 2003|09:28pm]
NEW NEW!

Ha Ha!! Hooray for me! I finally made some matching Ayumi Hamasaki (I <3 her!) mood icons for my bootlegged journal. I'm so happy. I know I just had to pass that stupid test today in order for me to graduate! I'm so glad and at least I felt like I did a better job on it, thats for sure! Anyway. Me and Lenard are growing farther and farther apart, much to my dislike, I still yearn for him here and there and I miss him like crazy! Wonder how he's doing? I see him everyday @ summer school but I should just try to get over him. I got a pshyco killer call from my uncle Charles last night he was like: I want you to go down the street and on the corner it will be a black car, I want u to get in and I hung up the phone so fast but then I learned it was a joke and I was lmao! *sigh* I need to get my hair done and this and that 'cause I look a hot mess. I'm still waiting for that job place to call me back, as a matter of fact, that chinese restaurant never called me back! Their loss. I've been getting too much attention from the bois all of a sudden. They're all in heat this season anyway, not that I mind though. But I only really have eyes for Leonard... :x So baby..if you're out there....calll meeee.. :*(

mood |okay [10 Jul 2003|08:32pm]
Whoo hoo!

Found more ayumi icons today! haha! So i've been very busy busy! Went to class today and laughed my @$$ off then came home and watched King of the Hill and listened to Boomhauer's incoherent talk and laughed my @$$ of again! I'm still sorta looking out for a home. Caresse and I are planning to get a house together, she says that she is going to the army reserve I think in September. Okay so whats my point? Well personally, being in the army with bush still in office doesn't quite agree w/ me. Now you all may have your different opinions but I guess I sort of wouldn't complain, since I'm trying to get in the navy myself. So whadda you do when your friend is going to the army and the love of your life is going away to the navy next year? !?! Somebody end the endless sorrow! <3 ps. I miss Laura&Sarah!

mood |distraught [11 Jul 2003|10:21pm]
Happy b-day 7-11!

heheh! Stopped by 7-11 to get as many free slurpees as i could. They were only 7.11 ounces, which sucked but was better than paying full price for a big gulp, which I think anyone rarely finishes off so quickly(duh). Anyway, I woke up one morning and my love was gone. He said that he liked me I wish he'd never go. Now I find I'm sitting here on my own. Was it something I've said or done that made him pack his bags up and run? I know that its another he's found and its breaking up a happy home. People ask about him every day and I don't know what to tell them what can I say? If only he would write me or call a word of explanation, that's all. It would stop me climbing the wall and its breaking up a happy home!! The games we play and the prices we pay..sooo I'm appointed to take senior pics on the 25th (like its a chance *I'm* gonna show) and i have to do like cap and gown pics (which I'm actually excited about) and a ton others which I don't wanna. Right now I all i feel like doing is soaking in a tub full of milk...mmmm. Made a date also w/ caresse to go swimming but she didn't have a way and I couldn't have gone today anyway b/c my ride (mommy) was all the way in N. Dallas for some frickin shoes. >_< grrr! So I had to cancel, I won't be able to go tomorrow b/c of some other crap, also haven't gotten a call from robin lately. Lover and I aren't talking anymore so I guess her job is done. :*( so far w/ me what is real still remains...

mood |Okay [17 Jul 2003|10:53pm]
hehehehe

A pic! Haha.








mood |Depressed [06 Aug 2003|09:40pm]
Life's so unfair

I don't really feel like doing this so i'll keep it short and sweet. I guess, well, I'm just getting the back- to- school- nobody- loves- me blues. Yup happy damn birthday to me. I don't want to go back (cause the first day is my b-day) and I intend on staying home with my new best friend, jack daniels. No one has called me :( and I feel like someone has delt me a bad hand all of a sudden. My cuz got a brand no cell and I'm still going w/o, (still can't drive either) with my seemingly amish parents who, actually, yes, beleive the internet and mickey mouse is the devil (at least mom does) *sigh*. We went bts shopping b/c it was tax free weekend, didn't get exactly too much or what I wanted really. It sucked. I saw about a couple of ppl from school on my outing which was even more depressing. by sun. night I wanted to die 'cause images of my <3 kept popping up in my dreams and in my mind. I don't know what to do. I also had to get registered for this upcoming school year which was gay. I've been going to the same damned school for 4 years now! Why should I re-resgister!!!! However, that being apart of the problem, mom forgot the water bill for proof of residency. Which was bullshit I agree. So I have to go next thursday to acually finish registration and all that crap. I saw more ppl from last year. Heaped on more sadness as it signified the end of summer and feeling a ghostly trace, a memory of my <3 knowing that'd he'd roamed the same halls that I'll go down alone and he has now or soon will be gone for good just by seeing ppl I know :*( Other that I don't really have anything else to say other than life seems so un-worthwhile right about now..oh and I redecorated my desktop:


like? <3 Alicia//Aki


-"Memories are sweet, but that's all they are.."


mood |Awake [10 Aug 2003|12:12am]
Damned proud!

Thanx to this inspiring site i am encouraged to stay pure..




<3 Alicia//Aki


mood |Shitty [12 Aug 2003|01:03pm]
Misunderstood

Okay, today I went to pick up my schedule w/ mom @ school right. So we go in and she as so well professioned fustrates me by tell me how I always lie and crap and how lazy I am and how I needed to grow up but skip down to the bottom line. She was there to help me swerve my way out of chemistry class 'cause I failed it last year have to do it again. Yada Yada. When we go in we start to talk and there's no way out. I feel so hopeless now. So somehow we get to talking about my career choices and things that I wanted to try, simply because I was not interested nor anybody in the room listened to what I had to say, which, of course was the reason they were there. And so of course my famed "nasty mean" attitude spilled out and the councellor was like "well, sweetheart, I know you're 17 and don't want to talk about this..." STOP Bullshit, okay? My age has nothing to do with me not wanting to be here, firstly. Secondly, I understand she was trying to help me but to hell with all this other stuff she was saying, I let no one, on earth, define my life for me. Something, that if we're ever going to "talk" (as she seemed to hope for which probably isn't going to happen) she's going to have to understand. You know, I wanted to become a pianist, something I thought performing arts would fall into. Clearly proven I was wrong. But she's telling me its too late to get involed in something of the sort and that I can't go here and here just because I didn't do this and this. Don't tell me that and you're supposed to help! And then I don't know how in the hell we got on this but she says that "..well you want to help your mom don't you?" being honest I said "I would suppose." I didnt' mean it in a bad sense but the way she took it she made me feel like I should have regretted it. Which I did and mom was only trying to help. You know how parents have a way hurting and helping? I didn't care and she was all "I'm gonna take that as a yes..blah blah." Whatever bitch, take it how you want but I mean what I say. Damn your definition of me and my attitude, I don't bite my tounge when it comes to the matters of the heart. Cause I've always been the quiet sweet sunshine girl and I'm throuch with being nice dammit. Hello! middle name means "God is my judge" remember that lady b4 you judge what I'm like by my attitude..try to understand how I got this attitude. Sorry, it just pisses the hell out of me when people try to define what you're like because of your age. With that crap over, something told me to ask about my test results to see If I passed but by the time the whole mess was over in the councellor's office I hadn't even bothered. Something in my heart had told me to ask and when I left I felt like I had let myself down. I still feel shitty tho. Leonard's friend called me and Leonard got on the phone and I hung up in his face and haven't heard from him since. :*( I have been longing for him since. I don't understand why we really deny ourselves each other, I really think we were meant to be and then again I don't b/c of circumstance. I still <3 him though I should just continue to try vainly get to over him...Nonetheless nothing will stop me from where I want to be.

<3 Alicia//Aki

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