Title: Under Lock and Key

Author/Pseudonym: Silk

Fandom: La Femme Nikita

Pairing: Greg Hillinger/Jason Crawford

Date: 10/00

Rating: NC-17

Summary: Hillinger mourns the loss of Birkoff.

E-mail:  silkn1@worldnet.att.net

Disclaimer: All things LFN belong to WB, USA Network, Fireworks Entertainment, and LFN Productions. There is, of course, no money being made here.

Warnings:  m/m, angst, h/c. Spoilers for Season 4, especially Abort, Fail, Retry, Terminate.

Beta by Tinnean, who also doubles as a major source of inspiration. You da Muse, Sis!

*****

Under Lock and Key

by Silk

Part 1

Under lock and key. That's where I always kept my deepest, darkest secrets. I never wanted anyone to know how I really felt. Wouldn't be...um, for lack of a better phrase, politically correct.

There's a lot of that here. Politics, I mean. If I've learned one thing in all my time in Section, it's whose ass to kiss. Oh, I know what people think about me. They think I don't know that they talk behind my back. Even leaving Section One for Oversight and a second-in-command post at George's side didn't change that.

They hate me.

I'd be lying if I said that didn't hurt. Not that they'd ever see that written on my face. I don't give anything away. Okay, I can't do a poker face like Mikey. But I've learned to hide behind cutting-edge sarcasm.

I exploit every opportunity that comes along. I use everything and everyone.

That's my fucking job.

But no one told me that it would pit me against the one person I really cared about.

Nah, I know what you're thinking. Me and Birkoff go way back. Right to my first day in One. He didn't want me there. He saw me as the competition. Boy, was he psychic or what?

I *am* smarter. Faster. More creative. I *am* more than he'll ever be. Or could dream of being.

He reluctantly tried to help me. I don't think it was in Seymour's nature to be any other way, strange as that sounds. But I pushed him away. With words. With insults. Oh, yeah, and the occasional attempt on his life. What was I thinking?

I trusted no one. Especially not him.

He was the enemy. Do you think I didn't know that?

Ops and Maddy set me up. Bigtime. Think they cared what we thought of each other? Hell, no, they fueled the fire. Every chance they got. Cause it made our numbers better. Made us more effective at the job.

And we all know, the job is the only thing that counts here.

You're only as good as your last mission.

Shit, Seymour, why'd you have to go and die on me? That wasn't in the plan, man. I never got a chance to tell you.

Something.

It was just like you, though. To go out in a fucking blaze of glory like that. You stupid altruistic son of a bitch! What did you have to go and do that for?

You thought they were your fucking family! Hell, I guess if you grew up in One, they were. But they wouldn't have done the same for you.

They would have let you go in a heartbeat.

Even when I went to Oversight...I always thought I would see you again. I always knew you were there. Somewhere.

Now you're fucking gone, you pathetic loser.

And I can't see past the fucking tears in my eyes.

Part 2