Top of PageI have finally decided to finish creating this home page that I started my freshman year here at Elmira. I kept telling myself all weekend that I needed a new toy, so I thought that this would keep me busy until I find something that I want. So now I am stealing B's idea of an online journal, but chances are that I will never tell anyone about it anyway. I need something to write my thoughts in because I never sit down with a pen to write in my other journal. Since I am always at my computer, I thought this would be the easiest way.
I just spent the last four days on break from classes and stress, and I cannot tell you how nice that was. Two days at home and two days in Ithaca. Of course I did not get any work done, but at that point, relaxing was more important. I had four killer mid-terms last week that wore me out. I studied so much that I gave myself a headache, how terrible is that!! Now to try to remember any of the information I learned last week is a lost cause. Too bad starting tomorrow I will find out how bad or maybe how well I did on the tests. I may surprise myself, but I doubt it.
Things in my life are going well. I have a wonderful boyfriend who treats me like a queen even though most of the time I do not deserve it. We have a wonderful time together when we have time to actually see each other. It is so difficult to say good-bye after a wonderful weekend knowing that I will not see him until the next weekend. I know that it sounds like I complain too much and that I should be grateful for all of the time that we do spend together. It is not that I am not grateful, but I really want to be with him all of the time. He makes me smile and laugh, and I feel safe around him. It is the best feeling in the world, and I do not think I have the right words to explain it. Enough of that, I do not need to get into every detail of why I love him so much. We are close to our 6 month anniversary, and I could not be happier.
I just do not even know where to begin or even how to tell how I am feeling. The best word that comes to mind is just plain sad. There is not anything that anyone can do for me, I am just sad. Things do not always work out the way that I would like them to nor do I even deserve for them to work out. The RA job has its ups and downs, and I thought that I could deal with them. Not being able to tell people what is going on or how I am feeling is really starting to get to me. Plus being on duty takes me away from the one important thing in my life.Top of PageMy friends stopped caring what I do, and I guess I do not blame them. I spend all of my free time with B because that is what makes me happy in life. Tonight when he left, it broke my heart. I did not want to let go and there is not one real reason. I just wanted him to stay and be here with me. Things are so difficult when I can only see him on the weekends and then when that time is cut even shorter, it sucks. I did not even get to see him for 24 hours this time, and it really really hurts. I do not want to be on duty nor do I want to do homework. Guess I am in one of my depression slumps. Only 45 minutes until first rounds and then I am taking a long nap until second rounds.
Frustration!!! How else can I sum up the night? It all started earlier in the day when I went to the health center. My leg problems started over 4 years ago, you would think someone would know what to do! Of course not and I have to get numerous amounts of tests done for them to tell me that they do not have a clue. Nothing new there, but I really just want to get better so my life can get back to normal.Top of PageSo I was already down enough about things and then B has to go and butt in even more into my life. He is acting like my mother lately, asking me if I ate and what exactly I ate. I do not appreciate the concern; go give it to someone who needs it! When I have an eating disorder then he can care.
I told myself that I would not have another boyfriend because I never had time for me when I was dating my last boyfriend. When B came along, I thought that things were going to be different. We spent a lot of time together during Term III because we were really trying to get to know each other before I left for the Bahamas. I thought that this year we would see each other when we could and we would both be fine with that. We have been together almost every weekend since I have been back. I have lost my friends who never bother to call me anymore. When I do have spare time during the week, I am alone in my room watching TV or working on my computer. What kind of a life is this? Why did I compromise everything I wanted and loved in my life?
I am sure all of this talk is because I am upset and frustrated. Things will look better in the morning. Things are especially rough because I have not slept well in a couple of nights.
