Top of PageTo be truly honest, I am sick of thinking for the day. It has just been a long and terrible week. What better way to sum up an awful week than losing the best thing in your life? How many stupid things do I have to do before I realize how badly I fucked up my life? Well now there is no B and very few friends in my life. Wonderful wonderful life. I am done thinking for now, so I will write more when I am not so angry with myself.
Top of PageLife can get really out of hand at times and not being in control of things is really scary. Things went from bad on Saturday to absolutely terrible on Sunday. I was not in control at all, and I just needed a friend. Most of my friends were at Orchesis at that time or not in their room. There was not anyone to talk to and B had company so he would not really talk to me. I had the support in my life taken out from under me in a matter of 24 hours. It was too much to handle and I hit one of the lowest spots I have ever hit in my life. Not a good situation at all.
So here I am two days later, and things are like 200 times better. People basically came to my rescue and got things in motion really quickly. I do not know how to thank people so that they will really know how much everything has meant to me.
I do not think that I could ever thank B enough. I cannot imagine being in his shoes and watching me fall apart. I love him for all of his support and the help that he has given me. We are on a break for a while, but he is still being a friend when he can. Knowing that he is still in my life is the best feeling in the world. I cannot even begin to express my feelings about that, but that is for another time and another place.
Things are looking so much better and it feels as though I can finally begin to think clearly about everything. Things in my life are going to turn out for the best, I have faith. I am keeping an open mind and being optimistic. I know that things are not going to change instantly and I am not going to be instantly happy. So far I am on the right path, and I hope that B will join me in this journey when he is capable of it. Until then, thank you again to everyone for loving me and caring about me.
Top of PageThings are slowly returning to normal, but I guess normal will never be the same as before. The world looks different, and it is difficult to explain. There is a clear difference between how I feel now and how I felt two weeks ago. Things in my life look more optimistic, which in all honesty is a really nice feeling. I have more words to explain how I am feeling and I want people to know what I am thinking. I do not want to keep things inside anymore because it only ended up hurting people more in the end.
Break is coming up soon and I cannot wait to just lay around the house. I need time to relax and time to myself. Although I am really sad that my trip is not taking place, I know that it is just not the right time. My only thing is how do you determine the right time? I spend my time wondering how long it will take for this and how long it will take for that to happen. The medication has made more anxious than I have ever been, but hopefully I will be able to get that under control soon. For now I am trying my hardest to wait things out.
How do you stop doing all of the things you are used to? I am having problems with that especially with B. I sent him a card last night, and now I am thinking that it was a bad idea. I just know what I would like to receive at this point, and I was hoping he would react like I would. Unfortunately, I do not think that was the case, and I may have made things worse. Lately I am making the first move to communicate with him only because I feel that if I do not talk first he will never talk to me. I also feel as though I am bothering him, so for now I will wait until he wants to talk to me. Again, waiting sucks, but it is the only way I know that he wants to talk to me and in the end wants to be back with me.
Top of PageSo it is finally time to move on. All ties with B are gone, which at this point I am so happy about. I was sick of being played pretty much and glad that he decided he did not want me. So now life can really start fresh, and I do not have the past around to bother me. Things ended rough, but it makes it much easier to move on in the long run. So for now, all I have to say to B is thank you for a nice 6 months, and now it is time to find someone who makes you happy. For myself, it is time to really start getting better with the help of my real friends.
Top of PageSo here I am again just writing to note what has occurred in the last few days and the last week. Well I am about 10 pounds lighter, and 100 times happier. Things have been going well and people have been very supportive. The nurse assures me that my appetite will come back soon before all of my clothes do not fit anymore. I decided to change my image to go along with this weight loss. On Friday, Nicole took me to get my hair cut short again and my ear pierced. I have received a lot of compliments on both although people worry too much about my weight loss. Either way it is a good thing, and I am not looking into turning that into another problem in my life.
I had my first appointment this morning and things went really well. She is very nice and supportive of many things. She also had some great ideas on how to get things settled in my mind. I will attempt to use her suggestion when I am not so busy. We will see how well it works, although I know I cannot expect a miracle but at least some closure.
The nurse says that the medication is working really well, and it is nice to see me happy. She says that I look brighter and more alert about things going on. Again she says that things will only get better with each session. I am excited about things and look forward to seeing what the future holds.
Break starts on Friday, and I am so excited to go home and get some sleep. With Orchesis rehearsals and shows I have not gotten much sleep the last few nights. The term is almost over and hopefully my classes will be much easier next term. I can always hope anyway. : ) I am excited about going home because Rich will be home from Hawaii and I have not seen him in almost a year. I cannot believe it has been that long. Hopefully we will have some time to catch up on each other's lives.
I guess there is nothing more to say really. I am happy with the way that things are working out and the way that everyone is standing behind me and supporting me. Although I miss B, I know that he does not want to have anything to do with me anymore. It hurts but I hope that things will be happier in his life and that he remembers the good times and how much I love him. Well that is enough for now; I will write more when I feel the need.
Top of PageToo many thoughts flying through my head right now, and some are not appropriate to write on here. Anyway, break was wonderful and I had the best time being away from here. I got to spend a lot of time with my grandparents and even baked cookies with my grandma. I did quite a bit of talking with my mom about things that are going on in my life, and she is very supportive. I even had a reunion with most of my high school friends, and it was nice to see everyone again. So I had time to relax and catch up on my sleep, but it is too bad that I have not slept since I have been back to school. I am not really sure what is causing the insomnia, but I am hoping that all of this writing will help to relieve some of my anxieties.
Some things are rather rough in my life, and I have some things that I have not told anyone yet. I will wait a little longer and pray that the "problem" goes away. If not, I will have to reconsider graduating this year so that my life is not completely messed up. Anyway, I will have to wait and see what happens, so pray for the best.
Speaking of my friends, we all got together and caught up with each other's lives. It is weird to see what they are doing with their lives. Everyone is moving in different directions, but it was wonderful to see everyone again. I also got to spend some time with Rich. He has not changed at all, and him and Tadd found it funny to pick on me all day and night. We all just watched movies and talked. He will be home again in less than a month so maybe he will make some time for me again.
The term is almost over and I could not be happier. The next two weeks and finals week are going to be very stressful. I hope next term does not end up like this, but it does not look like it will. So I am still doing well in my classes, but I do not want to ruin it in the last few weeks. This weekend is our Holiday Weekend and I am so excited to have some good food and some fun. My new dress is really pretty and I cannot wait to wear it. Katie is going to do my hair, although I do not know what she will do since it is so short. Anyway, I am really looking forward to having a good weekend.
I guess that is all that is really going on in my life that I would like to share here. I am still making a lot of improvement, but I have to get past a few set backs that hopefully will not turn into bigger problems. Enough enough, I have a test to study for.
