Top of PageEvery time I sit down to write I always end up being distracted. Now that more people know about this site it scares me a little to continue writing. I wonder what everyone really thinks about me and what comments people make about what I write. I am really putting my thoughts and emotions out there, so everyone can feel free to e-mail me at anytime with comments they have.
Mid-term break went really well, and it was nice to finally get some sleep. I did end up learning how to snowboard, and I still have the bruises to prove it. It was a lot of fun and I hope I can get back one more time before the end of the season. It has been a terrible ski season this year and there has not been much snow at all. I am looking forward to spring now since we really have not had a winter to talk about. Anyway, the rest of break went well. It was nice to have Dad back in the house and have him at the dinner table. It is amazing the little things I missed while he was gone. Daisy is back as well and she is as pesky as ever. I cannot wait until it is warmer outside so she can stay outside rather than in the house.
So now I am back at school, and it feels like I have been here longer than a week. Yet, I cannot believe there are only 5 weeks left of classes this term. Where did the weeks go?? It is getting too close to the end of the year. I am afraid to say goodbye to some of my closest friends. It would not be so bad if I knew that I would be able to see them often after they left. Although I know that most will move on with their life without really looking back to remember the friends they had here at EC. What a terrible feeling!!!
I have really come to terms with the fact that I cannot get attached to people, or rely on people when I know that they will be leaving me. All of the people that I talk to about my problems will not be here next year to give me a hug and tell me that everything will be okay. I know that I will still have my friends in my class, but I will miss my new friends from this year dearly. The worst feeling is when you are really starting to get to know someone and really trust them and know that they are leaving in a couple months. How unfair!!
This weekend has left me in confusion. I had a really rough day yesterday and said something to a friend that I should not have said. I am afraid that I have offended this person greatly, but there is a reason for my actions. Plus I am afraid that this person has an attraction to me, and I really did not want to deal with it yesterday. I just know that I do not want anyone in my life right now romantically, and the thought of any romantic relationship just does not settle well in my mind. I guess I am just looking to have fun with my college years rather than being tied down again, so I am not looking to start anything anytime soon. I love all of the new friends that I have become close to in the last few months, and I really hope that they do not think I have an ulterior motive to my talking to them. I love finding out people's views on life and I love to talk to people about anything under the sun. I am thankful for the new friends that have put up with my chattering and for the opportunity to get to know them.
So basically it has been tough to try to read people's minds lately. I know that if I really wanted to know what some people are thinking, I could ask, but then again there are others that are impossible to read. I gave up on a few and either pushed them out of my life or pushed them aside. It was too much effort to try to figure them out, so I figured it was better to spend my time on other things. So I guess that is somewhat of a hint, if I have to try too hard to figure you out, I will get bored.
So my date before break did not turn out as well as expected, but it just reinforced everything that I just said. As my profile says, "I do not need a man to rectify my existence. The most profound relationship we will ever have is the one with ourselves." So for right now I am working on the relationship I have with myself, and I am proving that I can make myself happy. Others will only add to that happiness and not create it for me.
So now that I have talked in circles and confused myself, I think it is time to call this entry closed. I will try to do more writing this month, as I know it will be a very long and stressful month. Miss me until then.
Top of PageIt is finally Friday although I cannot enjoy it as much as I normally would. I wore myself out in the beginning of the week, so I am now paying the price by being sick. It certainly is not fun at all. I truly hate being sick at school because I miss my mom the most during these times. I just remember all of the comforting things she does for me while I am sick. I miss having her run her fingers through my hair while I fall asleep. She would talk and talk until I would fall asleep and even though I could never remember what she said, it was so comforting to hear her voice. Here at school and living in a single it is a terrible thing to be sick. I just wish that I had someone to watch over me and take care of me, but I realize that it is not anyone's responsibility to do that for me. Do not get me wrong people care here, but they only care to a certain point. Ah well, just another terrible thing about being single I guess.
I have spent a lot of time thinking lately because I love to overanalyze things. Not really, but it seems as though I am good at it. I have found that they only way I can figure out how I truly feel is to write it down. I cannot seem to lie to myself when it is written down because there is proof that I am lying to myself. It sounds weird, but it works for me.
I still find myself worrying over the fact that some of my best friends will be graduating in a few months. At times I wonder if people know how important they have become in my life. I am not dependent on them, but I do really enjoy their company. I have had really wonderful conversations and figured out so much about myself this year. I just hope that the same thing continues next year with these same friends as well as the new ones that will come along. I just love talking and learning about people.
So I went to the Orchesis show tonight to watch my friends perform. It was much better to be back out in the audience and watching the performance. As much as I loved dancing, it was truly time to give it up. Some of the pieces really moved me and I was very impressed. I love it when a really well choreographed number just gives you chills. It is a weird feeling, but at the same time it is a great feeling. I am very impressed with my friends and glad that I was able to watch and appreciate the dances. Dancing was just one of those things that it was time to give up. There are other things like that which are starting to surface, but I will talk more about them as I feel necessary.
Well I think that my bed is calling me again. I have spent the majority of the day in bed, but of course it is the only way to get better. I will write more when my thoughts are not so blurred.
Top of PageNot too much on my mind at the moment although I am not ready to go to sleep. I took a long nap this evening so now I am not really all that tired. I am very glad that tomorrow is Friday because I really just need some time to myself. Mom and Dad are coming tomorrow night for the Phi Beta Kappa ceremony. Mom is actually buying me a present for receiving this prize. I have never really been given gifts for achieving good grades, but I am starting to enjoy it. Mom is buying me rollerblades and I cannot wait to use them because the weather has been so beautiful around here lately. It will also give me something to do in the summer time for exercise.
I am still very excited about staying here for the summer even though I get mixed reactions from people. I think that I will make it fun and that I will have the chance to get to know people better. I am just excited about being able to hang out with people at night because at home that does not happen. My friends at home never call me and when I call them we never end up getting together. Honestly, I am sick of trying, so I am willing to try something new this summer. Plus I am really excited about giving tours because it is something I have wanted to do since I came here. I am excited to have the opportunity.
I chose my classes for next year, and I am not going to have a challenging course schedule. Granted I will be busy, but I will not be as stressed as I was Term I this year. I am looking forward to my Term III class about astronomy and excited about the night observations. It is great to be able to take fun classes about things you have always been interested in.
So I received my placement letter yesterday and I will be in Towers again next year. Patty already tells me that she will not give me choice floor again because I need a new challenge. The staff will be different, but I am excited to get to know the new members and work with the other returners. I felt bad for my girls because they are both alternates, but I remind them that I was also an alternate as well. I just remember all of the feelings I had last year at this time and I do not envy them being in the same position as I was. This happen for a reason and if it is meant to be, it will work out.
SIFE competition is coming up quickly and I am very nervous about all of the work I still need to do. The presentation is going to be tough, but hopefully it will turn out well. I have some good ideas, now I hope I have enough time to do them. I think we have a really strong base of projects and should do well in competition again this year. Only time will tell though.
Well I have blabbled on enough, and I am starting to get tired. I should go try to sleep. Oh by the way, I get a real massage tomorrow afternoon!!!
Top of PageDon't you hate it when you know that something is wrong but you have no idea what! Guessing only goes so far and even then you still hope that you are wrong. It has been a rough day to say the least, and I am going on 24 hours without sleep. I have no idea what is keeping me going because I am exhausted. I have exhausted myself more by crying for a good while tonight as well. My friends have been here to talk me through things and make sure that I have calmed down some. How can I calm down? Things in life have thrown a major curve ball at me.
I am still rather upset over everything that seemed to come into the light tonight. Why when I am already feeling stressed do things get worse?? What is next?!?!?! If something has to be next please don't make it something worse than the things I have already experienced. I need to make it through the next couple weeks without making myself too sick. I can already tell that sleeping will be a rare occurrence.
Why do I always get stuck with all of the work that needs to be done at the last minute? I hate feeling pressured which makes the stress even worse. It seems as though time has just gotten away from me, and now I cannot catch up on everything. It is the worst feeling in the world!
So basically I am mad at the world right now. Why do bad things always happen?!?!?! I want to go back to my fantasy world where nothing can hurt me and nothing bad ever happens. How nice that would be!!
Time to go lay down and hope that I sleep some. I anticipate a conversation that I need to have but will be unlikely to happen anytime soon. Hey, what else is new?!?!?
Top of PageWow, what a week!!! It just kept getting worse and worse, so hopefully next week will be much better. It is early Sunday morning and I am exhausted from being up until 6:30 AM on Saturday morning after being on duty Friday night. It amazes me how stupid people can be when they are drunk! So needless to say it is has been another sleepless weekend in my life, and I have a ton of stuff to do tomorrow.
Had to deal with a difficult situation today only because it is still so fresh in my own memory. It was only a couple of months ago when I was in the same position, but I did not have nearly the same amount of support on the initial day. Then again not many people knew or to this day know what happened that day. It is for the best only because it is such a difficult thing to deal with. I am just glad that it is my past and that I do not have to worry about it anymore. Hopefully things will start looking up for this person after today's incident. I can only hope that this person realizes that things will always get better... "Rough times are inevitable in life, but it is how you deal with them that makes all the difference in the world." I certainly live by my own quote and it is even more true after this "hell" week. So to all of those that have been dealing with the rough situations this week, please know that I am here for you always and would love to listen anytime you need to talk. Even if you never want to talk about it, just know that I will always be here to support you in the end.
Time for bed if I am going to get up early this morning, so good night world. Please let this new week be a much better week than the last one.
Top of PageAnother night on duty, but it was nice and quiet. I have not been sleeping much lately, so it is going to be nice to go to bed before 4:00 AM. Tonight was a rather sad night because I was supposed to be on duty with Greg, but unfortunately he is no longer a part of our staff. It is sad to think about and really comprehend the fact that we just lost another two RAs from the staff. I guess it is just something that is really difficult to rebound from, but I am sure that we will be strong as a staff. I will always remember what each of them taught me and how they were vital to my success as an RA this year. Greg has become a very good friend, or at least I know that he is a good friend to me. It is difficult to know what others truly think of you. I just hope that I have had half the impact on him that he has had on me. Memories are wonderful and something to hold close to your heart.
It has been a very stressful week, and I have not been sleeping nearly enough. I pulled my first all nighter of this year earlier this week. Although it was not doing school work, it was doing work for SIFE. I cannot wait until the Regional competition is over on Tuesday. It has been so stressful doing all of the computer work and the entire presentation. I wonder how I dig myself such a deep hole at times. All together I have done amazingly well considering all of the things I have had to finish on top of being an RA, playing softball, and doing homework.
I cannot wait to go home tomorrow to get away from everything for a day. I cannot believe that it is Easter already. It seems like only yesterday it was Christmas and I had twelve weeks before SIFE competition. Things just creep up on me too fast no matter how much I plan for these things. The other thing to look forward to is Hilton Head in two weeks!! I cannot wait to lay on the beach and not worry about anything. It will give me some time to think about what has happened the last few weeks and comprehend why life has seemed to fall apart.
I am so glad to have all of my friends because they have helped me keep my sanity the last few days. Lisa has been an absolute angel and she knows how to lift my spirits. I do not know what I will do without her next year. I will miss our movie nights, late night trips to Wal-Mart, and late night talks. I hope that I say it often enough that I really love my friends. They are the best and I do not know what I would do without them.
Well back to watching the end of this movie and finish the last minute touches on the SIFE presentation. I get to go home tomorrow!!! Happy Easter everyone!!
