Top of PageWell it has been a while since the last time I wrote, and a lot of things have happened in my life. Some are good and some are bad, but overall everything is wonderful in life. I have been spending a lot of time with my friends this term, and it has really become a good stress reliever for me. I have missed so much in their lives, but it is great to spend time catching up. Also I have made some new really great friends this year, and they have been lifesavers for me. It is great to have so many people to turn to in a time of need or when you just want to hang out. I can see this turning out to be a great term especially with the support of everyone that loves me.
The end of break was a little rough only because I was confused about some things in my life. I had been set up in a pretty nasty situation and needless to say, I am still angry about it. Never again will I give people the benefit of the doubt especially when they lost my trust a long time ago. I no longer will be nice to those who are no longer nice to me. It does not get me anywhere and it only causes me more frustration in the end. People think that they can just walk all over me and everything will be just fine. Well I may have been like that, but things have certainly changed. So to all of you out there that have been a jerk to me and think that I will be nice to you in the future, THINK AGAIN!
I have learned a lot about myself in the last few months. I have a whole new appreciation for life and feel as though I have much more control. Being single is exactly what I have needed, not only to find myself but to get better as well. I never knew how much of my self-image I sacrificed and gave up to try to make someone else happy. You can only make a person happy that wants to be happy with you, and I learned that the tough way. Broken hearts suck, but it good to know now that things would not work rather than years in the future.
I have discussed my new realizations about my life with a selected few individuals. I am just now starting to be comfortable with some of the mixed feelings I am having. There are people that have been supportive of my "discovery" period per se. I have hid a lot of thoughts because I never wanted to admit to them, and it is nice not to have to hide anything anymore. Even though things are still not totally clear in my mind right now, they are getting better.
So I had to make a tough decision in my life that still does not make me happy. I am not happy with the way that I dealt with it and the way that things are right now. Over break I spent a lot of time with Jay while he was home. It was so natural to be with him and it felt as though he never left. I could not figure out if those feeling were there because I loved him romantically or loved him as my best friend. He is wonderful to me and I could not find a sweeter guy in the world. We are moving in different directions in our lives, and I do not see there being a "right" time for us. I love him and miss him deeply, but we both agree that we do not want a long distance relationship. I know that the love will always be there, and if it is right, it will happen in the future. I know that I did not express this to him in the best way, and currently we are not talking. It hurts me to have him upset with me, but we are both too stubborn to talk about our feelings. There are so many emotions involved, and we still do not know how to deal with them. So for now I will continue my quest with guys that screw me over until the time is right or I actually find the other Mr. Right in the world.
So a person clearly stated to me once, "Maybe your ex-boyfriends are not the ones with the problems, maybe it is you." I have done a lot of thinking about this statement that absolutely devastated me at first. The more I think about it, the more I know that it is me that had the problem. I held on to emotions for too long in hopes that things could be different between all of us. I am currently not talking to any of them anymore, and it is certainly by choice. People break up for a reason, and if you were not true friends before and during your relationship, you are not going to be friends after either. So yes, the problems that I have with my ex-boyfriends are my problem. No one can change what happened during the relationship, but I have tried to be friends or at least be civil with them after. I have got the same response from all of them, so guess what, I give up! If people truly cared, this would not be an issue. You learn the most about a person's personality after you are broken up. Overall, the past is something to learn from and nothing that no one else needs to know from now on. I have at least learned that much, and I have come to terms with all of the terrible things that I went through. I do not need anyone's pity to make me feel better or stronger.
Softball will be starting in March, but I have already starting working with our pitchers. They need to be strong in order to make it through our season this year. I am feeling strong and hope that my strength continues throughout the season. I have started a new exercise routine that has been wonderful for me. It gives my schedule some more structure to it, although I do not see my room until 8 or 9 every night. The days have been really long lately, and I am starting to wear myself out. I am hoping to catch my breath this weekend. Anyway, I have been dedicated to my new workout and have really toned up. Again my clothes are becoming too big, but that is a good reason to go shopping! : )
So now that I have written a book about my life the last few weeks, I think it is time for bed. I am so glad it is Friday tomorrow, and it is Athletic Alumni weekend as well. It is going to be a fun weekend. Write more soon... stay tuned.
