Top of PageWell I suppose it is the 3rd of December since it is 4:11 AM. What is up with the insomnia?? I wish I knew, but I do know that one terrible word could ruin the rest of my life. There are only a few single words that are capable of this, and it is amazing to think about it. However, I do not want to think about it. There would not be any good that could come out of this situation. I will wait a little longer before making the final conclusions. Anyway, I hope that life does not throw any more curve balls in the mean time. Write another time when I have more good news to write.
Top of PageIt seems as though I only write about the few bad things that have occurred in my life in the past few weeks; however, there are so many good things that are going on. I am so happy in life and it is a wonderful feeling. I have been spending a lot of time with my friends and talking to them on the phone as often as possible. They are a huge part of my life now and I regret that I never realized how important they were to me. I guess it takes time to realize what are the most important things in life.
This past weekend was wonderful and I had so much fun. At the banquet we all sat with Dean Cohen who is the sweetest lady ever. She gave us all the cutest snowflakes as gifts. I had a great time chatting with wonderful friends and eating really great food. After the banquet we all drove around and looked at Christmas lights and sang Christmas songs. It was a great time, but I had to come home to bed after. I was not feeling good, so I went to bed while they all watched Christmas movies. The Ball was a wonderful time this year since no one ruined it for me by walking out on me. I had a fun time dancing with my friends and looking at everyone's dresses. Katie did my hair and it looked really nice with my dress. I had a lot of people compliment me on how nice I looked. I even got to dance with one of the sweetest guys on campus. It was a wonderful time and the smile never left my face all night. The only bad thing about the night was having to help out the RAs before the dance in sending someone to the hospital. That was a pretty scary experience, but I did not let it ruin my night.
There are other wonderful things going on as well. I am not sure if I want to share them just yet because I do not want to mess things up. We will just say that I had an unexpected visit from an old friend the other night, and we have been talking a lot since then. We are both busy with the last week of classes and finals, so we will have to see how things turn out when life slows down a little. I have a lot of faith and I am really happy he came back into my life.
So I am trying not to worry too much about the things that are not going so well in my life and I am going to focus on the good things. Four more days of classes then finals and break for 3 weeks!! I cannot wait to go to Vermont; I am so excited! Well I have to go to class, but I will write more soon. I am sure I have many more good things to tell.
Top of PageI am putting off doing work yet again. I guess that it is not all that important that I do it. I feel that I have a lot of time to finish it, so I can put it off a little while longer. My International Marketing paper turned out to be 32 pages and I am just really sick of looking at it let alone printing it out. Only two more days of classes and I could not be more excited. These classes have been a pain in my butt and I will be happy when they are over.
So I am not thinking about a whole lot tonight. I had a doctor's appointment earlier today and that went pretty well. Things are coming along well.
I had an important conversation last night that left me rather uneasy about things I guess is a good way to put it. So many things I want to share, but somehow nothing gets said correctly. I wish the conversation took place under better circumstances, but without those circumstances I bet a conversation never would have happened between us again. I can honestly say that I will probably never hear from him again, but I cannot help but wonder what he is really thinking. Anyway, the situation is under control and soon to be resolved.
I had a floor Holiday Party tonight and all of my girls really enjoyed the gifts that I made for them. It made me smile knowing that they liked them and had a good time at the party. I cannot wait to spend more time with all of them next term!
So it is time to get back to work in order to get to bed at a decent hour. Write again soon!
Top of PageWell it is 3:15 AM, and it has been one long day! The term is finally over and now it is on to finals. I wish we could just skip finals and be done so that I could be home sleeping. That is not going to happen, so I have to stress about ruining my grades on the finals. I should just say, "The hell with it" and not worry at all but that is not like me at all. So I will study for the next four days and then get some sleep after that.
There is nothing too new in my life. Good and bad things going on all of the time. I cannot really say that I am worried about much other than finals, as I just spoke about. My biggest fear went away and other problems went away along with that.
I have spent a lot of time talking with my friends about things going on in my life. They have some really good suggestions about how to deal with a few things and other things I do not agree with what they say. All I know is that they have stuck by me, as people I thought were my friends left me. I am still dealing with a few of the issues I still have from that terrible Sunday. So many questions that I will never have answers to. I guess that is something I will just have to live with.
Single life is going really well. I have had a lot of time to figure out what I want in life and where I want to go. I have spent time figuring out who I am and what I need to improve. All I have to say is, no more compromises! I know what I want out of life and nothing and no one will stand in my way. I look back on the past and realize how much I have given up and what I sacrificed for what I thought was happiness. As I talked to Greg tonight I came to terms with my recent break-up. It took talking about it the way I did tonight to really understand what happened. Things really make more sense and I know that things will be ok.
There are so many more things I want to say, but I will save them for a different time and different place. Too personal to express right now. So time for bed so I can study tomorrow. I'll write again before I leave for break!
Top of PageTwo finals down and two plus a take home final still to go. I wish this week would just end so that I could go home. I find my mind wandering every time I try to sit down to study. I cannot come to any conclusions of why I am thinking about the things that I am thinking about. I think that I just really need to vent to someone.
Why would I ever want to go back to someone that hurt me so much? I must be crazy or something close to that. It hurts to know that something that was so important in my life is missing. How can I ever replace that feeling of love that I had? This all sounds so crazy, but I am very lonely. There is nothing like the feeling of being loved and held close all through the night. The feeling of being safe and having a shoulder to cry on were all things I took for granted. I cannot go back to a relationship that was bad for me, but I feel as though I do not have a choice. I am compromising my standards yet again for a brief period of happiness. Why can't I have what I want back? I miss the happiness I used to feel when that special someone would walk into the room. Why did you have to go away?
Let me clarify things a little for those who may read too much into things. I do not miss B; it is not him that I miss in my life. There are some things I regret more than losing that relationship. I let go of the one person that mattered the most in my life for someone that was bad for me. Now I can never get that love back because there are too many circumstances preventing it.
I should be studying for my CORE final, but I am so sick of studying. I have given up and I am going on the knowledge that I have from the term. Probably not a good idea, but I have never been so excited to go home in my life.
Nothing more to say because I still find my mind wandering. I cannot say the things I need to say to the person they need to be said to, and that is my problem. Hopefully the thoughts will disappear and let me study in peace.
Top of PageToday is the day I have been looking forward to all term, the day I get to go home! Finals are over, and I did really well. I am happy with my performance this term, but I will tell you if I still feel the same after grades come out.
This term has sure had its ups and downs, but I am happy with where I am in life. I have some of the best friends in the world and more and more come along every day. My RA staff has become some of my best friends, and I am so glad that I decided to become a RA. This morning at 2:00 AM I took 4 of them to Dennys because they were drunk and hungry. It was one of the best times I have had all year. Even though I did not get home until 4:00 AM, it was well worth the trip.
I sit here thinking about packing, and I really do not want to pack everything up. I look forward to being home, but I wish I could take some of my friends with me. Great news though!!! Rich is coming home again on the 22nd until January 12th. He will be in Virginia for the next four years. How excited am I?!?!?! Good things do happen to those who wait!!!
So we lost two people off of our RA staff so far this year. It just amazes me that people will just resign, but I guess you have to do what you have to do. I am excited to work with one of the replacements, but we still have yet to find the second replacement. We will see what happens when we get back from break.
Well if I ever want to get home, I better finish packing. I will try to write over break, if not definitely when I get back. Happy Holidays everyone!!
Top of PageHome life has been boring, but it is exactly what I need. I had not slept in almost three weeks, and I was on the verge of getting really sick. Now I have had the chance to sleep and relax for a couple days and it has made a huge difference. It is so nice not to be stressed about finals or classes. I know what I need to do for next term... take more time for myself.
I talked with Lisa tonight and she thinks that a bunch of us RAs are going to go to Niagara Falls for New Year's Eve. I need to do something interesting because the last couple of years have sucked.
I am glad to start the year off single because that is what I want in my life right now. I need to discover myself and rediscover my goals in life. The unfortunate events that happened the last few weeks made me realize that I have not achieved half of the things I have wanted to in life. I have put my happiness on hold for other things and other people. So for now, it is time to do what I want in life.
I had a talk with my sister today and asked her what she has thought about the guys that I have dated. I am not surprised by her response, but I am glad that she was honest. I told her my thoughts and the conversation I would like to have. She is supportive and thinks that if it turns out the way I would like it to, many good things will come out of it. So I have about a week to figure out what I want to say and how I will say it. I just want to get my feelings out into the open and see where it takes me. I am keeping my fingers crossed.
One more day until we leave for Vermont!! I cannot wait to get away from everything. My Christmas plans are looking better, and I look forward to spending time with my family. I think it is time for bed, tomorrow is shopping day with Grandma. : )
So for now, I will end with a quote from my new favorite book "I Hope You Dance"..."Love, Love, Love.
You have to love,
And if you don't get love right,
You have to move on
And forgive.
And then you have to remember
That you've forgiven,
Or else you can't move on.
And if you don't move on,
You'll surely end up...
Bitter."
Top of PageIt does not feel like Christmas Eve at all this year. I do not know if it is because there is not any snow or because I really did not do any shopping. It is also hard with the new family arrangements, but it went ok tonight. Mom came to dinner over at Grandma Barrile's house and it was not too awkward.
Vermont was awesome, and I had a wonderful time. I did not end up going skiing because I was not feeling well, but Mom and Nicole went. I will wait and ski here later on in the week. While we were there, we went shopping, rented movies, and went to the local health club. I swam laps, which felt really good. I miss being in the pool everyday. It was nice to see everyone again and the kids are getting so old. We had not visited them at their house in over five years. It was a wonderful drive and a nice relaxing vacation.
So on to even better news, Rich is home, and he called me first. That is something unusual, but it was wonderful to see him again. No details though, those are only for me to know. I am just happy to have him in my life again. We will see what happens the next few days. I am not keeping my hopes up too much since he will never have a serious conversation with me.
So I received my grades in the mail on Saturday. I was very surprised with them because I did not think that I was going to do well. I did better than I could have ever hoped and I am very happy with myself. I am almost done with all of my tough courses, so that is even better. Three more terms to go, I cannot believe it.
Well I guess I should head to bed so Santa can come. Time to visit with the other side of the family tomorrow. Merry Christmas everyone!!
Top of PageWell, Christmas 2001 is almost over and it was an enjoyable day. I spent the day with relatives and opened a few presents. We did not get hit with the big snowstorm like Buffalo, but we will get it soon. There were not too many presents under the tree, but the ones that were there were things that I needed. My ring looks lovely and I am so happy that I got it. I cannot wait to show my friends, and I know that Katie is excited to see it. This year was the year for jewelry, but that is ok, I really did not need anything else.
So I got bored yesterday and decided that my pages needed to be fixed up. I need to work on them more at school when I am not tying up the phone line. I think the work I did on them will work for now. They are a little easier to look through and see the days that I have written. Although, Nicole gave me a really nice journal for Christmas, so I may go back to a written journal. I am afraid to lose all of this even though I have back up copies, and also, I cannot say everything that I am feeling.
So there is good news in the family. My cousin is getting married next year. Her boyfriend proposed to her at the top of Vail Mountain. How romantic is that?!?!?! So it looks like I will be heading to Colorado again next year.
I am feeling a little blue, but I guess that is to be expected. It is tough to be alone when most everyone else around you is happy and all lovey. I just know that something is missing in my life, but no one will listen to give me some advice. I just need to stop thinking about it because that does not help at all. I will continue to have some fun and meaningless relationships. I hate it when my heart is broken like this. Anyway, enough of that, no one needs to hear that.
So there is not much left on my agenda for break. I will visit with a few more friends that are coming home. I need to make a run to the airport. Other than that, I will be sleeping. I hope to spend a little more time with Rich and talk to him before he leaves for Virginia.
Enough for tonight because it is time to talk to my friends. I hope everyone had an enjoyable Christmas!!
