For the first few hours, I slept well. I didn’t dream, didn’t snore, wasn’t awaken by any strange noises. I wasn’t sure what exactly woke me up. I found myself sitting in the darkness, staring at my watch. It was three in the morning. I felt wide-awake, but I couldn’t get up now. I was bored. I remember something about my birthday, and about a manila envelope. I yawned and reached under the mattress, pulling out the familiar object.
I opened it quickly and quietly. I was used to opening mail. I slid my fingers underneath the sealed part, and stroked them across. I pulled out the contents. Three pieces of paper, slightly yellowed around the edges. I pulled out my flashlight and prepared myself to read. I never should have opened that letter. I had been young, stupid, and naïve, and I had never expected to see what I saw that night.
Dear Zac—
I want to apologize, from the depths of my being, for what I am. I hate the way I can still laugh, smile, act like I have something in my life worth living for—when I don’t mean it. When I’m falling, when I’m hurting you with my pain. You don’t deserve that. You’re too good. You always have been. You shouldn’t have to suffer just because I’m alone. I’m so selfish. You left me a long time ago, because you wanted your own personal happiness. That meant escaping me, and I should have been so happy for you. But I wasn’t. I hated you for it. I know in my heart that I will never, ever be able to forgive myself for that. I don’t see how anyone in this world could right now. But you did. You forgave me. I owe you so much for that. And I’m paying you back. I’m leaving you. And I’m staying away now, for good this time. You deserve so much more than I do. You deserve the freedom, and the happiness that I denied you. I care too much about you to let me let myself hold you back any longer.
I owe you, all of me, for the ways that you’ve repeatedly been my guardian angel. I mean that. Honest to God I do. You, through the complications of fame and adolescence, have sheltered me. You held me and loved me for who I was, when you should have been trying to kill me. You saved me from myself. And still, you found time to sing for me. I only hope that, now, I can be as good of a watcher as you’ve been to me.
I know I’ve never told you this before. It’s hard for me, only because you’re my best friend, and I’m scared to death of breaking you. I’ve broken everything else. This is so hard for me. You complete me. Yes, it’s crazy, but it’s so true. You have made my life brighter, somehow. You’ve released me, learned to let me go. You’ve given me my wings, and vowed to always be the wind beneath them. Thank you.
As long as you live, I will thrive within you. I promise. Just as long as you promise to be my eyes. Show me what this world is really like. I need to know that I died in a beautiful place, so that maybe I can pretend that I lived in peace. Just pretend. You can be my window from Heaven. I won’t let you down again. I’ll protect you. I will be with you. Just show me that the color in this world won’t die. And that the color in you won’t die.
Be strong, Zachary. You are everything to me. You’ve been my best friend, and that’s more than anyone could ever ask for. I don’t want you to lose that incredible person, just because I’m gone. You have to promise me that you’ll be all right. And don’t break that promise, please. I love you. As a friend. Don’t forget me, or the wonderful friendship that we had. Remember that this isn’t the end. You will have to hold my existence until you die. I won’t ever leave you, not if you hold on to me eternally. I promise.
Goodbye.
It wasn’t signed. It didn’t need to be. I closed my eyes, trying to take all of this in. I felt like I was dying. My hands clutched the paper, unable to let go. I was in such shock. I didn’t really feel anything. I was just so numb. I felt dead. So dead.
The moonlight shone through the curtains, onto the letter. I hated her so much. I loved her, yet I couldn’t stop hating her. How could she do this to me? What was wrong with her? I slid the papers gently under my pillow and laid down, unsure of how to react. I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t feel real. I closed my eyes and tried to picture her, with me, happy. I thought about being a child with her, never knowing that, one day, I would lose her. I shook my head. This was Abby—my Abby. My best friend forever, who would do anything for me. She could have been playing a prank on me. I had worried about her when I left. She could be trying to prove me wrong by staying alive. I wanted to believe it. I hated believing her.
