Mood:  chillin'

Okay, so unfortunately I didn’t finish 10 on my list (I was pretty much able to get to 11 without the WHOLE bottle and then I figured on top of Maria’s pizza... not a good idea...) but today’s another day. Well, once the boy is bed, anyway.

I’ve gotten a lot of comments and requests and questions and... anyway, I’m going to try to address it all here.

No, Dan’s not "the Jerk."

Actually, neither is S.O.T.B... that’s who I meant, but I guess jerk is the wrong word (though, I know, a lot of you would say it’s a very accurrate word and that’s largely why I used it).

As for that list... The thing is, I feel like right now I need a companion list for the "Reasons.." list... just to help me cope and to try to get back into Ray-mode. And the two biggest reminders (the weird lies and the triangle) aren’t cutting it right now. I know. I know. I’m being an idiot. If I could control this, believe me, I would. I guess "No Good" should be on the new playlist, huh? Or maybe "I Get it" or "The Devil in Me" or "Only Fooling Myself" or "Wish You Were" or "Chicago..." Is there a single track that wouldn't fit???

For those who’ve asked, yes. The playlist on myspace, that is it. Or, at least close... 1 more Kate Voegele (my favorite one, coincidentally. Yeah. I know), TFA, Moxy (his fav/my fav)...

I will probably be adding what I was planning to send as the reply but then everything else happened and... Let's just say I'm glad I didn't. I think I've been humiliated enough, thanks.

Mood:  blue

So, okay, I’m working on a new list. I think it will be called "Reminders of Why he’s a Jerk." Any suggestions because I have some REALLY good ones but they’re not cutting it right now... (the bizarre lie and the character under question).

I just feel so stupid and weak and it’s a lot like the whole Bryan thing all over again. I’m just glad that I was able to stop things before I got worse.

I just feel like I have so many doubts... I don’t know what to believe anymore. I just typed 10 more pages. I’m trying to get it all out of me so that it’s out of my head and out of my system. I guess I just don’t get it. I mean, why all the lies? I'm not your wife. Whatever!

I have so many questions but I think I’m gonna avoid it. I mean, what're the chances i'll get the truth, anyway. GRRRR. Why does it have to be so complicayed!?! And I’m just not replying to her right now. I guess if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.  

I don't quite know what to do with Dan. There's still the matter of fitting that last piece in for him. Should I do it or just pretend we're done with the conversation?

I wrote up the letter. I think it's basically finished but I’m listening and not sending it. Thanks girls. You’re right. Now just help me stay strong!

"Elle croit que tout change, et seule elle a changé."-Saurin

Mood:  amorous

So, I’ve been getting a lot of calls and emails this trip and I appreciate the love, ladies. I’ll be home in a couple days and if I seem grumpy or don’t answer for a bit, it’s just because I’m trying to process...  I’m posting sections here, b/c it defines the situation the best I can to the greatest numbers....

"Have you ever felt so torn, emotionally, over wanting two opposite things so much, at the same time? I wanted them both but right now, I can’t have either and you know how I am with can’t. And the one... well, I got an answer... but it wasn’t what I was hoping for. But, I almost think that it was what a part of me was hoping for and I think that might make me a bad person... or at least a worse person... Does that make any sense?"

"So, I don’t know what to do with any of it. Would you poke the bear? Because I go back and forth. I mean, you know me. I can’t just leave a thing alone but I feel like I need to. It’s just that I don’t know if I can live this way"

"It’s EVERYTHING. It’s hand-writing. It’s touch. It’s vocal... I’m a mess. I want to slap me right now. In fact, can you hear that? That’s me actually slapping myself. What’s wrong with me!?!"

"Yeah, but that’s just the thing. I’m not. He’s not. We’re not (No, this isn’t a new take on Buster Poindexter). So, how do you shake that?"

"So, how does that compare with the theory? I mean, my life is more than half over. How do you not focus on that? Or the reality of his situation, for that matter? When the boy is my age, he won’t have a mother, though... What do I do?"

*Since this thing hasn’t allowed me to put in what I’m listening to (and it really wouldn’t help, even if it did), I’ll let you all guess... Anyone I’ve spoken with tonight, yeah. Marlo Frickin’ Thomas.... I should’ve had the Vodka...*

Mood:  happy

So, over Easter, there weren’t too many "holiday bads" but there were a few. I think we must be saving all the really good stuff for St. Patrick’s Day. As promised, here are some of

Funniest Stuff I’ve Heard in a While: Easter ’08

"Two blue balloons? Wasn’t that your nickname in high school?"

"So, my Holy Roller Aunt is president of her church or whatever and she doesn’t know when Easter is. I have to ask the frickin Wiccan"

"Great so now we have The Frickin Wiccan and Two Blue Balloons"

"Frickin Wiccan? Well, yeah. That’s what it says on my business card"

"It’s just not the same without the Puerto Rican flatbread!"

"They’re just too big and round!"

"CCL, huh? Carnival Cruise Lines? Couldn’t Care Less?"

"That’s a Butter shitzu, thankyouverymuch"

"Bust it out. I’ll flatten some more rolls. I could really go for some laso apso. Always the pineapples growing, Always the coffee blossoms blowing... I like the City of San Juan..."

"Wait! Does that mean I have to be Dave. I just looooove G.W. G.W. woo woo bite me!"

"Rach has started resorting to asking complete strangers, walking down the street, how they feel about meatloaf. She’s dedicated to her research... or just really nuts. I know where the smart money is."

"I’m ready now. How long’s it gonna take Billy to put on his make-up?"

Mood:  hug me

So, I've been sick for the last 2+months , just never getting better and then aomething else hits. Last night, my fever was approaching 107 before finally breaking, following an ice bath. It's been in the lower 100s so that's good. We're hoping to keep it there. If not, we're headed for the E.R. again. I'm going to go to the doctor's tomorrow morning, first thing. It's not that I think the doctor will actually be able to do anything for me. I really doubt he will, in fact. But if there is anything that can help, I'll try it. I'm just so wiped out and so sick of being sick.

So, in the midst of all of this, my mom calls me today, after learning that I'm sick again/still but worse. I don't know. How do you word that? Anyway, her reply is basically "so, what does that mean for Easter plans?" Nice.

We're Christian (at least mostly) so Easter's one of those big ones for us (I don't do the 8-hour Good Friday church services with her anymore, but...) She's got a 23lb ham or something insane. There's a boatload of family members looking forward to seeing us. I usually do a fair ammount of the cooking. I'm thinking that if I wasn't going to make it, they wouldn't do easter this weekend. They'd move it. Or, they'd bring Easter to me (they did that the one year when I was in college, some of you probably remember the Brick Easter?). My Mom still hides my Easter Basket (and Ray's and Dan's and Tina's... Tina's almost 40 and didn't celebrate Easter until Ray so completely insane!). We usually do the Botanical Garden's Easter show and who would take Daddy to Pumpernick & Pastry and... Plus, they haven't seen us in almost a month. I haven't been there since my mom's surgery, so that was 2 months ago.

I don't think she gets how bad it is. She was giving me a hard time about how "the old people" are even better. I've been sick for 2 months. I need to get over it. And I do and I've been trying and I've just been not talking about it because I don't want to just bitch about how I'm so sick all the time. I start to get better and then something else hits.  And that woman just doesn't get sick. She literally does not get sick. It's not human!

So, I have all of that plus the trip planning I'm suppose dto be doing, work crap, and taking care of Fletcher who is a beast and will not nap and I'm just shivering, trying to walk with him and not drop him.

And I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna let myself fall apart. And I'm not going to make doves of bags.

I’ve been thinking about this (probably too much)... but I've decided to remove it. The reason I found it amusing was just because the boy who said it is an idiot. The reason you all thought it was funny was that even you, who have never met "Mr. Puerto Rico" as he was called by said boy, knew that he wasn't Puerto Rican.

 In any case, it was taken the wrong way. It was meant to poke fun at the one saying it, not the one it was said about.

My apologies (and hugs) to the offended party.

Mood:  cheeky

I'm not in bed right now. I'd like to be in bed right now. I'm not in bed right now.

Diapers has decided that he needs his own "side" of the bed. The boy thinks he needs to sleep with us from about 2am on, and Dan's always been such a bed hog. I'm starting to re-think the double bed right now.

My hand is killing me from taking everything off to x-ray it, the quack at the hospital "examining" it, putting everything on... I'm just frustrated. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want people to look at it. I just want it healed. I'm a boxer for crying out loud! Do you know how many times I've broken my hands??? just sucks that it's my left!

So, on a happier note, I've gotten more blog hits/emails commenting both on here and from MySpace in regards to the last posting. I'm laughing so hard right now. Some are from people wanting to know who said some of them, but mostly from the guys I stole the quotes from.

Let me just say, boys, if you're having issue now, you'd all better hope my book never gets finished... or at least that it doesn't get picked up by a major publisher. Don't worry. I'm as discreet as ever...