- Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
- You have an intentive mind and are
inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly
because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.
- Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
- You are a pioneer type and think
most people are d*ckheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You
do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
- Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)
- You have a wild imagination and
often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence and are a
- Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20)
- You are practical and persistent.
You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and
bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.
- Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
- You are a quick and intelligent
thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for
too little. This means you are a cheap b@stard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
- Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
- You are sympathetic and
understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting
things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a sh*t. Everyone
in prison is a Cancer.
- Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)
- You consider yourself a born
leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot
tolerate criticism. Your arrogrance is disgusting. Leo people are thriving b@stards.
- Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
- You are the logical type and hate
disorder. Your sh*t-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are
cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while doing it. Virgos make good bus drivers
- Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
- You are the artistic type and have
a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances
for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are wh*res. All Libras die of
- Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
- You are the worst of the lot. You
are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success
because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-b*tch. Most Scorpio are
- Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
- You are optimistic and
enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent.
The majority of Sagittarius are drunks. You are a worthless piece of sh*t.
- Capricorn (Dec. 20 - Jan. 19)
- You are conservative and afraid of
taking risks. You are basically a chicken-sh*t. There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance. You should kill yourself.