Item 1: "U-pick Pumpkins"
Just looking at the hand painted signs for these things make me wonder why even the big signs read "U-pick" instead of "You pick". But even with nicer signs, this is far from fun. I mean, come on! Picking your own pumpkins? It sounds innocent, but let me explain. First, you go on a long car ride to get to some secluded, country-like part of NY. When you get to the pumkin place, you spend an hour trying to find the pumpkin. This usually includes a bumpy ride on the floor of a dirty tractor type thing so you can actually get to the part of the field where the pumpkins are. Then, when you get there, you realize that it wasn't even worth it, becasue all the pumpkins are smashed, there are vines all over, and it smells really bad. You look for a pumpkin and when you finally find a few, you get back on the tractor-thing and ride to the check-out counter. When you get there, it's probably one of those lame places where you can have as many pumpkins are you can carry for ten bucks. But who needs all those pumpkins? Anyway, you then break your back trying to carry them all, get back in the car, drive two hours back home, and leave the pumpkins on the stoop so that some annoying teenager can come smash them all over your driveway halloween night and you can clean it up the next morning.
Item 2: Carving Pumpkins
After the U-Pick pumpkin place, you probably need to take out some of your aggression. You can do this by carving a lame face on the front of one of your pumpkins. This not only makes them rot quicker and smell worse, but also reduces wind resistance, making it easier for assorted idiots to throw all over your drive way. Fun, fun, fun.
Item 3: Trick-or-Treating
This is probably the best part of Halloween. You run around at night with your friends sporting shaving cream and rubber knives and get free candy (Okay, I've stopped going for the candy).And even if you're PRETENDING you're too mature for the shaving cream, I know you're lying! Everyone likes to attack friends with shaving cream!
Item 4: Dressing Up
Why? Why, why why? You put on a stupid mask or buy some overpriced costume at the 5 and 10, then run around in it looking like a complete idiot for the whole day. Exciting.
Item 5: Decorating
Another strange aspect of this holiday is putting fake cobwebs all over your house with lots of "scary" light and fake skeletons. It's a waste of time and money. Just like almost every other Fall Festivity.
Item 6: Pies
Here's something good about Halloween. I like pies. It's self-explanitory. Unless, of course, you want to drive out to the country, wait on a long line, and have "fresh" pies. I have two words for you: Local Bakery.
Item 7: Octoberfest
Lame crafts, strange baked goods, and crazy old women run rampid through these things. Avoid them at all costs.
Item 8: Costumed Characters
You know, the people who dress up as a ghost or something and force screaming, frightened children to sit in their laps. The costumes are not appealing to kids, they scare them. If anyone sees a costume where the head actually attaches to the body and the zipper isn't haning out the back, let me know.
And here they are, my words of wisdom! I live by these rules! And trust me, no matter how idiotic any of these things sound, I assure you that sadly, they're all based on things that have actually happened to me. So if you're having problems with life, follow these suggestions! I promise that you'll live a longer, happier life!
-DON'T walk in to the shelf of movies at Sam Goody.
-If you wear contacts, make sure you find your glasses BEFORE taking the contacts out! Otherwise it could be painful.
-DON'T drop the portable phone in the toilet.
-Flute players are ALWAYS the ones hit with airborne music stands.
-NEVER,EVER,EVER take an italian class.
-DO NOT mix together pickles, whipped cream, mustard, soda and chips together, then drink it.
-DON'T drink the punch at my parties, you'll be throwing up at 4 am.
-NEVER follow people through the hall and clap in their faces.
-Newts and small crabs do NOT like it in your mothers dishes.
-NEVER throw slinkies out the window.
-DO NOT eat anything I have cooked.
-NEVER wash the shampoo out of your hair in the swimming pool.
-Stay AWAY from my pet fish, for he is immortal.
-DON'T read "A light in the Forest".
-DON'T wear a straw hat to school.
-STAY AWAY from one eyed ducks.
-REFRAIN from electrocuting yourself.
-NEVER suck a lima bean up your nose.
-Wax is NOT edible.
-DON'T pile up seaweed on your head, then run around the beach screaming "Princess, Plentiful harvest!"
-NEVER inhale ammonia.
-Do NOT stick your nose near my fish bowl.
-Decomposing moths mixed with rotting plants and goldfish in a soda bottle smell BAD.
-DON'T pour the previously mentioned substance behind your shed.
-NEVER stick a baseball bat down your pants.
-The Austin Powers life-sized cardboard cut-out is NOT a real person.
-Don't hand feed wild geese.
-ALWAYS follow these rules, or you will be CAST IN TO THE BLACK DEPTHS OF "HECK"! (Okay so maybe not.. ^.^;)