We'll begin our program tonight with a qualifying round.

I'll give you a list of five items. Your job is to put them in chronological order. Please remember that questions are unisex, unless otherwise indicated.

Tonight's category is "Items a Chassan Gives a Kallah, Though Are Paid for by His Tatty and Mommy." The items are:
a. A tropical-flower arrangement the size and weight of a well-fed 9-year-old
b. An 8-carat engagement ring
c. A diamond-studded gold Cartier watch
d. A string of perfect pearls, hand-strung by blind Mongolian monks
e. A platinum wedding band

Have your answers ready? Good. Here's how they should be ranked: B (upon the request for the maidel's hentala in marriage), A (for the Shabbos Kallah/Forshpiel), E (under the chuppah), D (in the yichud room), C (during the week of sheva brachos).

How did you fare? Great! Now, that you've qualified, let's start the game.

Kindly answer the following questions. Please keep track of how many points you accrue. (The first answer is worth no points, the second 1 point, the third is worth 2 points, the fourth 3 and the fifth 4.) Also, note that some answers have bonus points, so don't forget to tally those in as well. The higher your score, the more likely you are to find your zivug in the "Over $5 Million" tax bracket.

1. Your first name is:
WOMEN
a. Chana
b. Chanee
c. Chanie
d. Chany
e. Chani

Add 3 points if your middle name is some embarrassing Yiddish one,
G'nendel
or Cransha.

MEN
a. Shragi
b. Shabsi
c. Zolly
d. Motty
e. Tushy

2. You attended:
a. YU or Stern
b. Johns Hopkins/Ner Yisrael
c. Downstate
d. Brooklyn
e. Touro (the Brooklyn campus, of course)

WOMEN: Add 2 points if your declared major included the suffix "therapy."

MEN: Add 1 point if you majored in accounting or computer science. Add 2 points if you majored in finance.

3. You are currently employed as a:
WOMEN:
a. social worker
b. physician's assistant
c. physical, occupational or speech therapist
d. anything in the Diamond District
e. interior decorator

Add 2 points if you job lets you take two-hour lunch breaks at Mom's Bagels.

MEN:
a. working for your father (some vague, ill-defined position meant to sound like a CEO, but really involves much shmying around and checking stock prices on the Internet)
b. actuary
c. accountant
d. something in the Diamond District
e. day trader
If E, add 1 point, if you do it from your home or a store-front.
Add 2 points, if you work for Schonfeld Securities.

4. You daven at the following shul:
a. Rabbi Dovid Cohen
b. Rabbi Hillel David
c. Rav Frankel
d. Steinwurtzel
e. Sasragen

Add 3 points of you know the real name of the shul above where you daven.

WOMEN:
Add 1 point if you don't get to shul on Shabbos and Yom Tov before laining.
Add 2 points if you can't refrain from chatting about or staring at another person's outfit for the duration of kaddish.

5. You define "cultured" as:
a. Frequenting the many world-class museums and concert halls in Manhattan
b. Frequenting the Jewish Museum (Granted it's YU, but your great-uncle, who's a bit modernah, is on the board.) and Avery Fisher Hall for every Dedi concert
c. Watching Knicks games from your family's court-side seats, a season ticket clenched in your hand
d. Reading the Jewish Press to look for your relatives' and friends' names in dinner ads
e. Listening to "JM in the AM" every morning
If D, add 3 points if your long-term career goal is to become a yeshiva dinner chairman or tea hostess.

6. Your ideal date is:
a. Drinks at the Marriott Marquis
b. Dinner at any Central Avenue restaurant
c. Dinner at Le Marais, which you erroneously call "La Marais" in an effort to sound more sophisticated
d. Dinner at Tevere 84
e. Window-shopping in Manhattan

Add 2 points if you answer your cell phone during the date. If B, C or D, add 3 points if you complain throughout the meal about why > there are no "decent" kosher restaurants.

7. WOMEN
Your beauty regimen includes:
a. a $7 manicure
b. an up-do at Adam's on Kings Highway
c. an EpiLight treatment
d. applying every MAC cosmetic ever manufactured
e. a French manicure, a pedicure, a facial, a massage and an aromatherapy treatment

MEN
You drive:
a. a Honda Accord
b. anything Nissan
c. a Lexus SC 400
d. a Mercedes (Sephardim only)
e. a Lexus SUV with gold detailing, which compels you to explain that although you could have afforded to get a Mercedes SUV, you'd NEVER buy anything German

Add 2 points if you lease the car from Preferred (718-951-8100 - smart choice) Leaseway (ripoff), Wheels to Lease (scum) or New York Auto Mall (****).

8. The phrase "geographically undesired," or "GU" for short, has moved from the goyish lexicon to ours. You define this term as anyone who doesn't live in:
a. North America
b. the New York City-Monsey-Lakewood delta
c. the Five Towns
d. Brooklyn
e. the 20s between Avenue I and Kings Highway

9. Your annual family trip(s) is/are:
a. Tanta Ruchy's in Boro Park for Pesach
b. Florida for Pesach
c. Florida for Pesach and Israel for the summer
d. Florida for Pesach, Israel for the summer and a Vermont ski resort for mid-winter vacation
e. Florida for Pesach, Israel for the summer, a Vermont ski resort for mid-winter vacation and Europe for Chanuka vacation

10. Your kesubah will include a provision for:
a. Palm Pilot upgrades from Hoffy's on 13th Avenue
b. a personal trainer
c. a charge account at Bergdorf Goodman
d. a personal chef
e. a summer home that's as large as your "city" house

Okay, because I think you guys have played beautifully, I'll throw in one more quick question to help you rack up some more points. Here it is.

11. When you hear "Boston," you think:
a. the 1986 World Series
b. Harvard and MIT
c. a birthplace of liberty
d. the well-off Kennedys (Some of them are still single. Are you SURE they're not Jewish?)
e. Baltimore

If A, don't simply keep your score unchanged. Subtract 7 points.

Now, please add up your points to see how you've done. Thanks for playing.
Please tune in next Motzei Shabbos for another round of "Who Wants to Marry a Flatbush Millionaire?" This is your host Yaron Engelstein, until next time...