--Things to Ponder--

Did you know that in the U.S. Court of Law, swearing on a Bible is legally binding? What about atheists or those of non-Christian religions? Can they choose their own objects of religious significance to swear on? "I swear, by the Tentacles of Cthulhu..."
CORRECTION: Apparently, you're no longer required to swear on the Bible. My bad.

Lately, I've been noticing an increase in the number of run-over squirrels in the road. As far as I can reason, this can mean one of two things. Either there are simply more squirrels than in previous years, thus increasing the chances of a squirrel being in the road when a car comes, or the stupid squirrels are starting to be culled from the pack. Then I thought maybe running ovre squirrels isn't so bad after all, because it helps speed up the whole evolution thing. But then I realized that would mean we are helping to create a new breed of superintelligent squirrels. That would so not be cool.

Aristotle's Poetics expounds upon the structure of Greek tragedy. The tragic hero must be a basically-good person of noble birth with one major character flaw. The flaw leads to a misjudgement on the hero's part, which leads to the hero's undoing. Noble birth aside, I think the Gingerbread Man is a flawless typification of a tragic hero. He's fast, he's tasty, he escapes from various villains (the old woman, the cow, etc.). His major character flaw is his hubris, as demonstrated in the statement "You can't catch me; I'm the Gingerbread Man!" This inherent belief in his own infallibility leads to his undoing. Blinded by his foolish pride, he agrees to ride on the fox's back to cross the river, fully believing that he was perfectly safe. After all, he was the Gingerbread Man. Through his own overconfidence, the Gingerbread Man seals his own terrible fate. Tragic, no?

Who the hell is Murphy and why does he keep fucking with my shit?

You know, I can sort of sympathize with those people who are raised from the dead and kill lots of people. If I were dead, I really wouldn't like it if some punk-ass kid decided to come and wake me from my eternal slumber.

What's up with the "orange" thing? Why is an orange called "orange?" I mean, can't we be a bit more creative here? Why not "not a pickle" or "round?" Please pass a not a pickle

Sometimes I really wish you could get SPAM in aerosol cans. Then I think again, and, you know, it doesn't seem like such a good idea all of a sudden

Everybody should set aside a half an hour every day to meditate on the world, how far they've come, and where they're going. And, while they were doing that, I would steal their stuff because they're not paying attention.

I wish I had a potato with supernatural powers. Then, with some initiative and a little elbow grease, I could make supernatural french fries. But not with the elbow grease, because that would be kind of nasty. I don't know what any of this has to do with supernatural powers though...

As I walked into my house, I noticed that we still had our pumpkin from last Halloween sitting on our porch. Surely, I thought, beneath that outer seeming-wholeness and freshness, that outer thin shell of composure and stability, the inner core must be rotting away, breaking down in entropic decay, just as beneath my own thin layer of composure, my soul was degenerating into a rotten, slimy pulp of despair.
Soon, the pumpkin pus of insanity would split through the outer shell, oozing... slowly oozing onto the Sidewalk of my Mind

Time can ease all pain and cure all sorrow. Probably because, if you wait long enough, you'll either become senile or die.

I have a truly cosmic question for you to consider:
The relative value of a second today is significantly longer than the relative value of a second a million years ago, or even ten years ago. If you need proof of this fact, click here for a timeline of the evolution of life. Look at how incredibly long it took for single-celled organisms to evolve. It took only slightly less time for multicellular organisms to evolve. The amount of time it took for vertebrates to evolve was significantly shorter, and soon you have land-dwelling organisms. Look at how incredibly recently on the timeline Homo sapiens appears. Now look at the history of mankind. About 2,000 years ago, you had the Roman Empire. 1,000 years ago and you're already getting into the Dark Ages (see how much faster all these events and changes are occurring?). 500 years ago lands you in the Age of Discovery. Now look at the past century; we have had two world wars, in the past couple of decades, technology has exploded. So, for the history of life on Earth, the relative value of time has been increasing exponentially.
Got that? Good.
Now, keeping all this information in consideration, try to answer the following question... Will you please lend me twenty bucks?

Have I told you about my Technicolor theory? Well... according to the Ever-Wise Kia, any noun sounds more appealing when you add the adjective, 'technicolor' in front of it. Think about it.

Thank-you for your time.

There is no pain, you are receding
A distant ships smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying...