Well, here it is: NEVER GO BANANA FISHING!!!


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A comprehensive report by very depressed people, a Trojan War veteran, a vegetable, and one insane person; namely Marie, the late Manette, who went suicidal after Gates died (let us honor that name, lest all acquaintance be forgot), CJ (the insane one), Kia (the veteran), George Washington, and some guy named Matt.

Edited by a soulless, Satanic…thing whose name should not be in print

(speak of the devil…)

*Editor’s Note: There was no editor
Arthur the Killer Bunny
Ishkabibble the Clam
Bill Gates, the owner of Microsoft tm (this is a copyrighted name, so we had to put the little thingie by it)
Aalkjrn of Zarquash (in Zarquashian, Aalkjrn means He of High Cholesterol), who kills egg poachers

Note: Any relation to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Nothing was harmed in the making of this story except a sea anemone, a bunny, a billionaire, a kitchen sink, twelve screeching Bolivian monkeys, our self- esteem, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Once upon a time, (well, duh it was a time, but that just sounded like the right way to start the story. Okay, so it’s kinda cliché, but, THE VEGETABLE! THE VEGETABLE MADE ME DO IT…AARGH! NO! DON’T DO THAT! PLEASE DON’T…AAAAH! NO! NO! OH, NO, NOT THE CELERY! NOOOO! AAAAAAAARGH!) a group of bizarre authors (particularly and especially the vegetable…AARGH!) decided to rewrite the beginning of their story.

This is a story of the somewhat strange life of Ishkabibble the clam (which also took place once upon a time, but let’s not get into that). She was born normally hatched from an egg laid in a fjord (I’m sorry, but fjord is such a wonderful word that we had to put it in somewhere, and the vegetable figured AAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH! Okay, so fjords don’t occur underwater. Or do they? What do you think, vege- NOOOOOO! CARROTS! HELP! For a copy of the last will and testament of George Washington, you have to go somewhere else, we don’t have it because he didn’t leave anything to us, the stinker.)

Anyway, back to the story. Ishkabibble was a normal, cold- blooded clam, and she spent the first two months of her life conversing with her friend Mr. Rock, to see if she could get him to talk. Sadly for her, she didn’t succeed, so she went to find other, more talkative objects. This was so sad because this very rock was the rock that brained her after…oh well. That’s for later.

While she was searching for more talkative objects, she began to get a stomachache, and this is where our story begins to get interesting. Ishkabibble’s indigestion got so bad that she was continuously plagued by it, and this caused her to desire to be killed. She decided to use the old and time- honored method of throwing herself on to the sand, so she could die of lack of water (no one was around to tell her that this was also the most painful method, since all the other clams who had tried it were dead.)

As she was making her way up to the shore, she was caught by a bunny, named Arthur, who wanted to go banana fishing. The clam, as all dedicated banana fishers should know by now, would be used as bait to catch the wild and raging bananas of the Amazon, a tropical river.

Most such bananas have already caught the tropical Mad Bunny disease, but how could poor Arthur have known that?

To the clam, who only wanted to die by her own hand (or foot, if you will), the bunny’s paw on her shell served as a stimulus, triggering a reaction. In other words, the clam felt Arthur grab her, so she bit him (and he deserved it, too.) A rather startled and sore Arthur promptly dropped the clam.

Because of the clam’s impact on the sea floor, twelve screeching Bolivian monkeys were dropped into the time- space continuum. No one cared (at least not at that time. Later, when those monkeys were the only hope for the survival of humans, a lawsuit was filed against Arthur. The money was never paid, since Arthur was long dead. It also didn’t matter, since everyone else died soon afterwards.)

After Arthur dropped her, the clam made her way to the edge of the sea, and was about to throw herself on to the sand, when Bill Gates spotted her. Bill Gates was currently at a business meeting deciding the fate of the clams of the world, * but Ishkabibble didn’t know that at the time.

*Editor’s note: The result of the aforementioned meeting was that clams were such a low life form that they should not be allowed to survive, but Bill Gates managed to sway the general vote so that clams would be allowed to live

Bill Gates said to the clam “don’t kill yourself! I need you! I can give you a job as an executive! I need more intelligent workers in my company!” Bill Gates had been known to randomly hire small, ugly, depressed furry creatures (who were actually the ones who designed Windows 95, which made for all those annoying error messages, but that is another story), but clams are neither furry nor ugly, so this surprising event made the newspapers.

‘Bill Gates Hires Pearl’, the newspapers read. Nobody cared that it was oysters, not clams, which are affiliated with pearls. Back on subject…

‘That doesn’t sound bad,’ thought Ishkabibble. “I guess I’ll do it,” she replied. ‘Besides,’ she thought to herself. ‘He’s kind of cute.’ (No rude comments. Clams are entitled to their own opinions.)

Ishkabibble worked for Bill Gates for many happy weeks, and they decided to run away and get married (for the sake of the plot, let’s pretend that Bill Gates is single.) Despite their differences, (namely Bill Gates being warm-blooded and Ishkabibble being cold- blooded) they got along well for the first few days.

Sadly, after that, Bill Gates decided that he was not happy with his wife, so he took her to get a divorce at Red Lobster, secretly vying to have his new wife in a rather delightful egg omelet. However, in addition to an omelet, he wanted to have poached eggs. This is where Aalkjrn came in to the story. Aalkjrn was part of the space patrol of the planet Zarquash, who killed egg poachers.

Alas, the world shall mourn the untimely death of Bill Gates.

“Hey! That dude killed Bill Gates!”


“Hey! Let’s make that green dude with three eyes a national hero or something!”


“What a valiant thing to do!”


Anyway, Ishkabibble went with Aalkjrn to take a vacation on Zarquash, so she could meet his family. Coincidentally, his family lived on an island, named Easter Island. The name of this Zarquashian island is a complete coincidence. (There are a lot of coincidences in this story, but the government isn’t telling the truth.)


After Gates died, since he had not officially divorced Ishkabibble, the lucky clam was the sole inheritor of billions, and, after her retreat at Easter Island, promptly went to Vegas. She bought the whole district.

Sadly, soon afterwards, Arthur realized his mistake and sued Ishkabibble for all she was worth, and all she held dear (including the Vegas district). Once Ishkabibble had lost everything of meaning in her life, due to a freak weather phenomenon, a rock fell out of the sky, crushing the poor clam. Due to another coincidence, this was the same rock that she had spent her childhood talking to (once again, the government isn’t telling the truth.).

The moral of the story being: never go banana fishing (duh)

(See title)

*Editor’s note: Actually, the moral of the story is ALWAYS go banana fishing, then sue the clam for every penny they’ve got, but don’t eat any bananas you catch in the Amazon River

P.S. Another moral of this story is: always be nice to rocks

P.P.S. Don’t tell the authors about this note, you never want to get a vegetable mad at you- it might get ugly.

Alternately, for a more...interesting...version of the story, courtesy of The Dialectizer, go here

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