Ask Kia!!!!!

General of the Blue Smurfs
Future Dictator of the Free World
(the brains behind this whole operation)

Warlordess Empress of the Wedgehogs
Omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, omnivorous...
Wise, powerful, all around good person
(good for myself, that is)

Has decided to grace this page with her wonderful advice. Have problems? Send me your complaints (and credit card number) to
911 N. Sucker St.
Nowhere, Somewhere

Tina the Troubled Teen
Kia adopted Tina the Troubled Teen!

i have a question for the all mighty kia...
do i kick ass?
the fuzzy logician.

Dear Fuzzy,
Kick whose ass?
PS Send more money

Dear Kia-
I have a horribly terribly disastrous problem. You see, my best friend doesn't want me to know, but I found out that he's planning a secret invasion of the world with his penguin friends from Antarctica. They have already built an igloo base and several nuclear weapons. Whenever I try to talk about it with him, he shoots me this insanely angry look and says, "Be quiet, you! You're not supposed to KNOW about the Invasion!"; Should I report him? Should I report myself? Should I ignore it? Should I team up with him and his penguin friends? ??? ??? ??? AHHHHHHHHHH! PLEASE help, Kia!
Person With Penguin Problem

Dear Person,
Thank-you for notifying me of the competition. The problem has been eliminated.

To Kia,
Hi there! Um, I have a problem Kia, and I hope you can help me. Well actually, "I" don't have a problem, it's my pet potted plant, Leafy Mc. Fluffer. Leafy loves beef. I could bring a whole cow into the house and he'll down it in 15 seconds flat! (I know because i did that once) But then while I was watching tv, Leafy heard about the mad cow disease going around and refuses to eat anything! I'm so worried about him! I even offered him to eat my bratty sister, but he wouldn't even nibble on her! He's starting to wither away and I don't know how to help him. Please Kia! You're my, and Leafy's, only hope.
-sincerely, Poison Ivy Sanchez

Dear Sanchez,
I think we are focusing on the wrong problem here. The problem isn't with your plant; the problem is with you. Your assumption that it is Leafy who has a problem is a common error made by certain domineering, aggressive individuals who want no competition for the affection of their loved ones. This is typified in your suggestion that Leafy should eat your "bratty little sister" (your rival for Leafy's affection?) and the phrase "I could bring a whole cow down into the house".
There is a cure for your aggressive and dangerous disorder, however, as well as the eating disorder picked up by Leafy (obviously an eating disorder caused by undue stress from the aggression of your affection). Eat Raisin Bran. Both of you. Lots of it.

Yours Trulululy,

Kia, please accept my words of wisdom (hopefully in gratitude you'll empty your bank account into mine).

1.)Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you'll be a mile away from him, and you'll have his shoes.
2.)The pope wears loafers.
3.)A pear is a failed apple.
4.)Don't forget to keep slapping people.

Thank you,
Fluffy the Pony

Dear "Fluffy" (if that really is your real name...)

I have pondered over your points for a considerable time, and I think I see what your problem is. What you fail to realize is quite elementary, but it is understandable that you have overlooked it; so many intelligent people have in the past.

1) Can't argue with that. That's why I have shoes.
2) actually, he wears stilettos
3) I know this may be hard for your mind to handle, but in reality, an apple is a failed pear. This is all somehow connected with nectarines, but we won't go into that right now.
4) I haven't. Lord knows I haven't.

You're welcome. All hail.

Dearest HEHE Kia,

Wazzup? WOOHOO! Not much here.WHAAHAHAHAH! Anyways, enough with the chit chat,AHAHAHAH i'll get straight to the point BWAAHAHAH...and i DO have one!EEEEEE My point being that a dead rat named Sam lives in my closet HOHAHEHIHU! and he likes to take peoples stuff and hide it in my room HAHAH(i think he's a pack rat) and people blame me.HAR HAR! When i tell them who REALLY did it, they call me a liar!HEEHEE! Can you believe that?WEEEEEEE
Well, i told Sam and all he did was laugh at me!AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAA his laughter was contagious and i started laughing too, but then i couldn't stop!HEHEHEE Help me!

Dear Samantha,

I think you are in denial about the real problem here. The real problem is that your subconscious (quite possibly a dead rat named Sam) is making you say and type random capital letters in repeated patterns. This can become a serious problem if not properly treated at its early stages. But following this easy five-step pattern, you too can be healed!

1. Admit there is a problem
2. Admit you need help
3. Admit that only Kia can help you
4. Write out check
5. Mail to Kia

Be healed, Sister! Amen, I say to you! Zoiks!


[Dear Kia]

i havE a problEm with E's. i dEspisE thEm, thEy rEally pEEvE mE. thEy arE vEry complEx, and EvEryonE sEEms to likE thEm. wEll i disagrEE, would somEonE plEasE rElEavE mE of thEsE Evil E's!

pEEvEd in dElEwarE

dEar pEEvEd,
i bEliEve that thE E problEm is contagious, as can bE shown in this Email. wE must stop thE sprEad of thEsE Evil E's, immEdiatEly!

quick! sEnd mE monEy to crEate an E-bomb to dEstroy all E's... pErmanEntly. also, blockadE yourself in your housE and don't lEave for any rEason. disconnEct from EvErything you lovE and know!


PS... hehe.... silly gullible people. Oh, but still send me money.

Another anonymous person writes:

Oh omnicient one! Future Ruler of the Free World! (which probably means you'll enslave it, but that's not the point here!) I have read a haiku of sorts that goes like this: Long ago in the land of Zen
A wise old man climbed a mountain
To ponder the answer of life
One day it came, ended his strife
He declared the answer was ten.
Disagree with it all you like but answer me this...if the answer is ten, WHAT THE HECK WAS THE QUESTION?

-sincerely, a mathematician

Dear mathematician,
First off, it appears to me that someone tricked you. The sly, filthy scum. For, indeed, that riddle is not a haiku. It's just a dumb poem that doesn't even consistently rhyme.
But let us put that aside. That is not the point. The point is, that you need to send me money. There are two things that are quite obvious about this whole business. Number 1: the question was obviously, "How much money should I send Kia the Great for making her read this silly little rhyme and put in her two cents?" Number 2: the answer is obviously ten (thousand dollars. Check, money, credit, whatever works for you.).


an anonymous person writes:

I am sorry to imform you that I have a big problem.
I am a republican.
And I can't speel
How can I live without shame and still vote for Bush?

Dear Anonymous,

You do seem to have a "big" problem. Indeed, "being" a "Republican" is a "serious crime". I just "discovered" the "art" of using those little "random" "quote thingies" everywhere, "which" is very wonderful indeed.

However, it is not very relevent to your dire crime. And I don't mean the ones against "speeling" either.

The answer is that there is absolutely no way for you to vote for Bush and justify it. Bush is an idiot. A major idiot. I could go into great detail about why, but then I would be getting deep into politics that were none of my business. I am not saying that Gore is not an idiot: I am not saying that ANY politician is not an idiot. However, I'm not saying that any of them aren't geniuses. I'm not saying anything except for this:

Vote anarchist.

Thank you for your time, America



Vote Freedom!* Vote Kia Pearl!

I have a horrible problem you know those marshmellow peeps? THEY"RE AFTER ME!!. Every night i dream of horrble marshmellow peeps lasoing me in and they riding penguins. I have a small inkling that my dreams are gonna come true too! Is there a safe place i can hide from them?


Dear Peepaphobia,

I am so glad that you have relayed this problem to me on time. Alas, there are so many people in this world who insist that there is no problem, when really those darn marshmallow peeps are threatening to tear apart their fragile existence. But you have had the courage to stand up for yourself!
I, too, was once a victim of peepaphobia, but that no longer was a problem after I started a section of my dictatorship where peepers were banned forever. So were all penguins singing Hari Krishna that were kicking Edgar Allen Poe. Because we like that guy even more than we like hugging penguins. I think you'd do very well indeed in Wedgehog. There are also no Commies there. Darn commies.
But how to get to Wedgehog, you may ask? The answer is simple, my friend. Wear a pair of ruby red slippers, close your eyes, click your heels, and repeat, "There's no place like Rome." Also, send $50 in the mail.

Thank you very much for sharing.


An person who wisely wishes to remain anonymous writes to Kia:

KIA, YOU RULE!!!!! so does your depressed poetry, and your weird story about banana fishing (i don't have a credit card!! so there!! ahahahahahaha!!!!)

Kia Replies:
It must be hard to put the "pain" in paint


I see green and yellow polka-dotted monsters! Can you help me? That's not all, but sometimes at night I have nightmares about the Russians! My mom says she comes in and I am shouting, "Montezuma, spare me!" . Only the last of the Mohicans can save me now, but they're all gone! Please help me before I am put in an asylum!

-a SU mahki tahvi!

Dear Friend,

This is, indeed, a serious problem, but never fear, the answer is quite simple. STOP EATING EXPIRED PEANUTS BEFORE GOING TO BED. Thank you very much for your very pertinent question.


Dear Kia,

i love you. help me with my problem of giving out my credit card number!
Credit Card Number-3912329412490124
especially for u kia!

*Editor's note: This was left unsigned by whoever wrote it....I wonder why...

Dear Anonymous,

You are obviously a very cultured and intelligent being. I am pleased that you have found my site, and have bothered with the credit card number dilemma. As you can see, I have already helped you out by posting your number on my page. Therefore, anyone who visits will have access to your account.
Problem solved.


Dear Kia,

Why do people have imaginary friends, but not imaginary enemies?


Dear Chickie,

Obviously there is some kind of misunderstanding here. For I, the Great Kia, only have imaginary enemies. I've defeated the rest. Now when I was little, I had an imaginary friend. His name was Cherry and he owned a parrot. Then he moved. What does that have to do with your question? We may never know.


Dear Kia,

What is the point of humen existrece. Will the French ever take Bern? Is Michael destined to alife of gameboys and computer nerdom? This is one realy cheap website! aoishfdkljsfj klj dklfj sdklfjkdjfk :KSFJKSDJFkdjsfkdsjfkjK'KDJFKDJFJFIPFEJFIJIFJEIFU KJEIFJ ICJFI JEDKJDFKjkjcOIDJFNERREKFJ AFJFJIERUJ IDFJ IDFJ DILFDF. Answer that you snuty nosed flies. Blah Blah Blah! Do'h I forgot the dimwitts. Oh my gosh I am going into a parelell universe........... a matrix! Yours trululy,

Redneck JOehosofat

Dear Redneck,

The point of human existence is to hail Kia. You bum/nimwad. What a squack. When will you figure that out? Snuty? That's a new one. Yes, the French will take over Bern. They have secret underground bases stationed there already. However, after they take over Bern, I will take over both France and Switzerland along with the rest of the world. It is all according to plan. Submit now or else I will taunt you some more.

PS You might want a new spellchecker

Dear Kia,
How come when children get busted for drugs, they get kicked out of school, but when a presidential candidate gets busted for drugs, they aren't kicked out of the race? So it's ok to have a druggy president but not druggy teenagers? (isn't the point of teendom to get high and have, uh, fun anyway?)

-- Chickie

Dear Chickie,
I have a dream. A dream that all people were created equal. But that has nothing to do with your question.
I also had a dream in black and white. It had something to do with penguins. Where can I get this interpreted? Do you think that this is because I am a teenager who is high and having, uh, fun?
The truth is, I could have answered your question in two words. And those words are: PUBLICITY. Duh.



P.S. You ROCK Chickie!

Dear Kia,
I have a serious concern. I believe that after building on my Y2K shelter, I think that the pencil that I am writing with may not be Y2K compliant. This also proves very disastrous because I am the Secretary of State, and I do a lot of note taking while watching C-Span. What should I do?

Secretary of State


Dear E.G.H.,
Wow, you have serious problems. Whoever sold you that pencil should be jailed. I mean, nobody should be without a Y2K compliant pencil. If you give me $5,000,000 cash (beware of postal workers) and your shelter, I will send you a Y2K compliant pencil, and some complimentary Y2K dishtowels. Thank you for sharing this dire problem (and your credit card number).


PS. I have a bridge I want to sell you in Brooklyn (Y2K compliant)

Dear Kia,
Am I crazy, or is this happening to you too? Do the days seem like they're getting shorter? I mean, I wake up at 28:89 each morning, and usually the sun is out then, but lately it's been getting darker and darker! Why is this happening? Is the world coming to an end? Help!


Troubled in an Asylum

PS. I also think that I may be hallucinating. Each night I look up at the moon. It's never the same! It changes shape each night! What is happening? Surely this is a sign of the world's imminent destruction? What should I do?

Dear Troubled in an Asylum,
No, it's not just you. The days HAVE been getting shorter. And this is all due to the marauding bananas. The apocalypse is approaching, Troubled, and you're the first to notice. Besides me, but I don't count because I'm omniscient. Quick! We must save the world! Send me 5 grand, and I shall build a nuclear missile to solve this problem. How? I'll figure that out later. After this, you can claim that you've saved the world.


Dear Kia,
I love your column! It's the best thing ever! One letter to you solved all my problems. You are so omniscient and omnipresent and omnivorous! I send all my problems (and banking accounts) to you! Anybody who doesn't isn't cool. So send me, I mean, Kia, all your problems and money, and feel better about life in general!


Your adoring fan,


Dear Adoring Fan,
I'm so glad you feel this way, and hope everyone else does. If they did, the world would be a better* place. So don't delay, send me your credit card number (and problems) today!


*Better meaning better by my standards. This includes me being five times as rich as Bill Gates and living in Tahiti in a mansion. It also involves burning over half of the continental US, blowing up Antarctica with a nuclear missile, and annexing Greenland. Who cares about Antarctica and Greenland anyway, am I right my friends? My adoring legions who take my every word as a Godsend????

Dear Kia,
I have a major problem- I keep writing letters with my problems to you, and my problems are still there! Also, my money keeps disappearing! I think I gave you my credit card number some time last year, and now my account is almost empty! Could you PLEASE help me with this awful problem?

Your Trusting Confidant

Dear Trusting Confidant,
Oh dear, that is a problem. I shall try to remedy it for you, although it may be beyond even my omnipresent reach. If you give me a small fund of $100, I shall investigate the matter. After that, I assure you that you will either have no problems, or will be in jail for murder, despite you insisting that it was I. Also, as for your credit card number, uh-oh! It sounds as if someone knows it. Quick, transfer your account into mine fore safekeeping, and then close your account permanently. When the problem is fixed, I will give you your money back only if you put it back into your permanently closed account.



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