This page is devoted to Kia's...ah...wisdom...hehe

Kia's Quote of the Year:

"When I grow up, I'm gonna be the leader of Etch-A-Sketch Tech support (yes, it exists), and whenever anybody callse, I'm gonna shout, 'RTFM*!' and hang up."

*read the f***ing manual -Kia

Kia's Answers to Mere Mortal's Questions...

• Q: You know how most packages say, "Open Here"? What if it tells you not to open here?
• A: Go next door and open it there, you dummy.
• Q: Why do we drive on parkways, and park on driveways?
• A: Because that defiles everything normal and logical and that's what we were put on Earth to do anyway.
• Q: Why is it, when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
• A: See above
• Q: You know the little indestructible black box that's used on airplanes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
• A: Because then airline insurance companies would go out of business
• Q: Why is it when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?
• A: Because you don't like the person and don't want to mix pleasant memories with unpleasant ones. Also, I have a feeling that whoever it is you're meeting wouldn't want to hear Limp Bizkit explaining "What they did it all for", if you get my drift.
• Q: Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?
• A: You idiot!!! They do! Didn't you ever wonder where all those little sheep came from?
• Q: If firefighters fight fire and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
• A: FREEDOM!!!! I like that 1!
• Q: Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
• A: Because people enjoy confusing other people. Also, sadism is the national pasttime. Next.
• Q: What does Geronimo scream when he jumps out of a plane?
• A: That's simple. Anybody with a name like Geronimo wouldn't jump out of a plane. Though, if, theoretically, of course, one did, they'd shout, "For the Queen!"
• Q: Why is the time of day that has the slowest traffic called"rush hour"?
• A: Because there are no walruses on the moon. Next question.
• Q: If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
• A: In theory, no. In practice, yes. Definitely.
• Q: When a cow laughs, does milk come out its nose?
• A: If an orange laugh, does orange juice come out of its nose? Do oranges even have noses? Think about it.
• Q: If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
• A: What? Of course you can shoot them, you idiot. What did you think they were there for, to defile national monuments?!
• Q: What's another word for thesaurus?
• A: Extremelylongandannoyingbook.
• Q: Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
• A: Tis a sad sad world we live in. Besides, if you were going to get a lethal injection, do you think you'd care if the needle was sterilized or not? I didn't think so. Anyway, don't ask, or you just might get the answer. = P
• Q: What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
• A: Ships, I'd presume.
• Q: Why is abbreviation such a long word?
• A: Like I said, sadism's the national pasttime.
• Q: Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
• A: Why do pink ostriches dance around the kitchen whenever I open the fridge? Oh. That answer your question?
• Q: When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
• A: Neon pink, at a guess.
• Q: Why do they call it a TV set when you have only one?
• A: Once again, this sadism thing...
• Q: Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
• A: Why're ya askin me this, officer? I'm as jober as a sudge.
• Q: If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
• A: You think you're funny, don't you? Well, I'll have you know that someday my novel will be a bestseller. Just you wait. You'll see.
• Q: What do you do if an endangered animal eats an endangered plant?
• A: Let nature run its course. And perhaps laugh a deep, booming, sadistic laugh too.
• Q: Is it possible to be totally partial?
• A: In this world, no. In my world, definitely.
• Q: If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• A: What kind of sick person thinks of these questions anyway? Who cares?
• Q: Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
• A: Because carp would get lonely otherwise.
• Q: Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
• A: Duh. You don't shoot mimes, you draw and quarter them.
• Q: Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• A: Why don't glue sticks stick to anything? Magic.
• Q: Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "Fours"?
• A: Do Roman paramedics get out that often? If not then who cares?
• Q: Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
• A: What if he mistook his beard for a vine? AAAIEEEAIIIIIEEEE--- AAAAAAH!!!! Ugh.
• Q: If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• A: Because man is a setback, and an obvious mistake. Someday the apes will rule again. Besides, who said we evolved from monkeys? I was rather favoring the goldfish theory of evolution...
• Q: If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
• A: Because they make more money suckering people like you who actually believe them.
• Q: Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. If you tell him a bench has wet paint, why does he have to touch it?
• A: It's easier to get high off of wet paint than stars, even if there are more of them.
• Q: How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
• A: Um... because he's allergic to whatever guns are made of? I don't-- ah... um... next question.
• Q: Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
• A: Because it's better for the economy. Also, remember my sadism theory? Well, it still stands.
• Q: Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
• A: Man, talk about a big goldfish you've got there! Sell it and end world hunger instead.
• Q: Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
• A: For the very last time, can you spell the sadism theory? Actually, according to my theory, you can't, so hah. I stand true.
  

  
  

  
  

  back to the brink of insanity