Thou shalt not sit through this musical.
Thou shalt not sit through this musical.
by FRANK BITCH
I happen to be a fan of the musical Jesus Christ Superstar. I know that it's not exactly hip to like this relic of 1970s musical and philosophical eclecticism, but I also know that I think it's pretty freakin' cool anyway. Especially the opening song where Judas cries out to Jesus that everything's getting fucked up, the movement is getting all religious and weird, that Jesus is losing control of his supporters and maybe getting a bit full of himself. "All your followers are blind./Too much Heaven on their minds./It was beautiful but now it's sour."
I don't know whether it was Tim Rice or Andrew Lloyd Webber or somebody else entirely whose fascination with Judas made him the single most interesting character in the show. As my friend explained, people attempting to stage the Passion have often looked to Judas to provide dramatic interest - of Jesus's pals, he's the only really bad guy, so of course he's the most interesting. Yes, Peter denies Christ three times, but who really cares about that?
Anyway, Judas is the most intriguing, disturbing, complex, passionate, frightening character in the musical. Played a certain way, he can burn with a righteous indignation that convinces him that he is doing the right thing by betraying his teacher and best friend to the bloodthirsty Pharisees.
So here's an idea: don't cast a guy just because he looks and sings like a fucking Backstreet Boy in the role of Judas if you're going to stage a Jesus Christ Superstar. O.K.?
And how about this for an idea: don't dress the cast like a collection of rejects from Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video and Jackie Chan's Rumble in the Bronx. O.K.??
Oh, and here's another idea: don't dress Jesus in a diaphanous white smock when everyone else looks like a reject from Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video and Jackie Chan's Rumble in the Bronx. It just makes him look like a dork. Meanwhile the overly slutty Mary Magdalene wears a red dress through which her permanently erect nipples protrude disgustingly. The prostitute in red. The messiah in white. Judas's bleached blonde hair in stark contrast with the black outfit he wears for the betrayal. We get it. Now try coming up with a good idea.
I've got more suggestions: you know that crowd of people who mysteriously want Jesus to be crucified (it is impossible to tell why they would hate Jesus in this staging, except that they're just a bunch of Meanies)? Don't dress them like bootleggers from the Prohibition era. That doesn't look good when your disciples look like a collection of rejects from Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video and Jackie Chan's Rumble in the Bronx.
Oh, and how about a Mary Magdalene who doesn't fuck up "I Don't Know How to Love Him," since it's probably the easiest song to pull off in the history of the theater? Less would be a whole lot more here. When you sing "I'd turn my head, I'd walk away," it is not necessary in fact to turn your head and walk away from the audience. Capiche?
While we're on the subject of bad singing, why doesn't Judas not sing like he's auditioning for Rent? And why doesn't Jesus not sing everything in a thin falsetto, and not shout out single words like a weirdo during his godawful Gethsemane song ("I Only Want to Say")? And how about not having Jesus spread his arms and belt out undervoiced high notes three separate times during that same song? And would it be possible for Jesus not to grin and stare at everybody like David Koresh throughout the show?
And could we do without the fingerless leather gloves?
And could Caiaphas please look at someone while he's singing, and come in on his cues?
And could we have less of the smoke machines?
And could Pilate stop screaming so much?
And could the Herod song have something, anything at all, to do with the rest of the show? And could you not spend $65 billion on a set for Herod, or on a huge lit-up crucifix that serves only to blind the audience for 2 seconds at a time on two occasions throughout the show?
And how about less repulsive and pretty much offensive heavy petting between Mary Magdalene and Jesus?
And why don't we skip the bit where Judas licks Mary Magdalene's face to put her in her place?
I mean Jesus H. Motherfucking Christ!
Could this show be any worse? Is there a parallel universe where the same show is going up, except there is even one more thing that's wrong with it, so that audiences are left with no option except to run from the auditorium screaming, trampling innocent children and pregnant mothers underfoot?
The best performance of the night was by the decidedly mediocre breakdancing crew that hung out by the entrance during intermission.
I like Jesus Christ Superstar, I really do. I like the movie, weird as it is. I like the original album, weird as it is. That's the thing: this staging isn't intentionally weird. I bet the producer's think they're making this material accessible. Maybe it's accessible if you haven't left the Upper East Side once in the past 10 years, except to shop at the Disney store in Times Square or to talk to your financial backers in Hollywood. Then again, it started in London, so scratch that and replace those neighborhoods with, I don't know, the West End and shit. I do believe people in England have very bad taste in almost everything, but still! This can't be serious!
This production strives so hard to be normal that it scares the hell out of me!
If Jesus had been this annoying in real life, I would have been right up there clamoring for his crucifixion and gambling for his clothes. I mean, imagine how much those would be worth by now on eBay!
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