The Most Comprehensive, First Hand
Malt Liquor Guide
You'll Ever Need !!!

5 Bottles: Divine, repleat with liquid slices of heaven.
4 Bottles: Great taste, smooth, and drinkable. Only marginally evil.
3 Bottles: Average, in the sense that average can be applied to poison.
2 Bottles: Machiavellian--in the sense that the ends outway the means.
1 Bottle:   Makes one want to rob banks and bother the police.
0 Bottles: Chances are that if you've managed to have a sexual encounter during this
               particular drinking excursion, it was probably with your mother.

This is, Ladies and Gentlemen, your Definitive Guide to Malt Liquor

We here at the website, aside from the fact that we put together the most comprehensive evaluation of world events ever compiled into one interconnected cyber-link, also occasionally like to partake in the drinking of malt liquor. Is that so bad? Now, how could sumpin' that makes you feel so right be so wrong? As several bloody sphincters here can attest: very very easily.

Bad Frog--This stuff is called Bad Frog. Bad Frog=Bad Idea. Life, somewhere for you, has taken a nasty turn. If you find yourself imbibing this smelly brew, smash the bottle and call the authorities; you might as well lick all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with your tongue. Satan thinks twice before pouring himself a glass. If life is dear to you, 1 Bottle

Brick House--The Manufacturer of this liquor recommends you sip it lightly--allegedly, it his highly flammable if consumed too quickly. Sounds like a recipe for surefired success. Tip: Do not twiddle with your genitals or go near anything remotely resembling a hole. Why? 'Cause you'll stick Mr. Freddy Wiggles into anything concave. 5 Bottles.

Bull Ice--Bull Ice tastes not unlike Colt .45--with several healthy doses of grain vodka. Careful, careful, you ambitious little connoiseur--this stuff is dangerous. If hookers, pimpin', and cheap sex are thing, then you have purchased the right drink. 4 Bottles.

Budweiser 40z--This is a complete panty waste drink. It isn't even malt liquor. Give it up, stupid. Get yourself a man's drink. People who buy this instead of a real forty usually say, "No, I don't drink that shit" or "Malt liquor gives me a headache." Translation: Pussy. -8 Bottles

Camo--Makes you want to go to war. It's nasty, a fight to get down, and got a butt-ugly greenish hue, but if you wrestle with the demon, tackle its girth, battle it to the death, you come out bigger, stronger, and, perhaps, find yourself a member of America's most elite fighting force. Good luck, soldier! 4 Bottles

Colt .45 ---As Billy Dee Williams and Fab Five Freddy would willing attest, Colt .45 is the undisputed king of all malt liquors. Better yet, the Colt Company packages its god-like nectar in 45-ounce bottles. This stuff is potent enough to knock the walls of mucus off the stomach lining in about three swigs. Fortunately, you'll be buzzing so hard you wouldn't feel a bullet hit your groin. 5 Bottles.

Country Club--When purchased, it makes one feel like an aristocrat. If you dig that, pansy, go take a shower you smelly Country Club drinker. 1 Bottle

Crazy Horse, Pecos Bill, and Sam Bowie--A bit more expensive, but the packaging makes up for the price hike; all three of these legendary heroes adorn the labels of their respective liqours. Rumor has it that the company that markets these three drinks, Southern Bottling Company, has ties to the KKK, which would make sense since malt liquor's alleged quest is to kill the black man and poor college kids. 1 Bottle, due largely to affiliation

Elephant Malt Liquor--From Denmark, this is no weak Euro-brew. It's made for the streets and has been tested through several generations in the Bronx. Ask fans of the beverage and they'll tell you: "Elephant looks like a wussy drink, but boy, one day I found myself with the bottle up my ass and a missing kidney. Not to mention, there was midget blood EVERYWHERE!" Now that's performance. 5 Bottles

Hurricane--With a taste not unlike Bud Light, this shit sneaks up on you, slaps you across your silly little head, and transports you to your maker, an entity that usually manifests itself in the form of a yetti-like creature. When this occurs, it's generally good idea to put the bottle down and run to the hills--no one will find you there as self-flagellation becomes your preferred method of recovery. Warning: Probably will give you a hangover. 3 Bottles

King Cobra--With a name arguably inspired by the "evil terrorist organization determined to rule the world," the "snake," as they refer to it on the street, has a smooth flavor that isn't afraid to tell you that it is, indeed, a malt liquor. It is tasty and has a gentle, caring effect on your bladder. It's yummy, and, dammit, it just does ya right. 4 Bottles

Lazer--This is what we in the web zine industry call a glamour brew. This chewy concoction is sure to have you excreting all night long. A medium priced beverage, this drink, in all honesty, could only have brewed from fly ridden horse carcasses, dirty socks, yeast, and old lady funk. Put down that bottle and think of your future. 1 Apprehensive Bottle

Magnum--This is the most condensed, painful 40 ounces of liquid every created. It is dangerous, ugly poison, and will make you ask for your mommy shortly after you step out bed with her, just after having gotten to "know her." Daddy, as you can only imagine, is "not happy" with you. Solution: Plug him full of holes. You are certifiably committable by the time you get to the bottom of this unholy soup; murder can be easily explained away. All that is left to do is lock yourself in a room and pray for existence. 5 Bottles, for the PCP-like effects

Midnight Dragon, aka "Royal Reserve"--You see boys and girls, the reason we as a civiilization purchase malt liquor is to get drunk quickly and cheaply. With this in mind, the $1.25 price tag on Midnight Dragon makes this beverage a perfect fit. If you want a pleasant bouquet and smooth flavor, look someplace else. This is nasty. It hurts. It really hurts. But the hard core 40 afficianato will dig it because it does the job. This beverage will screw with your world, not to mention your stomach, brain, car, will to live, etc. The best part of shelling out a clam and quarter for this puppy is the container takes the cake: two dragons dancing a diabolical jig of feverish, booze-enduced joy. Midnight Dragon is best sampled once you've already tossed back few "other" drinks. 5 Bottles, after dreaming of the Dragon's label design while consuming your Lazer

Mickey's--A West Coast staple, this premium liquid can be found up and down the California Coast and in most parts of the Pacific North West. Like their rap, this Malt Liquor is weak and pussy-ass. Drink it if you want to feel chi-chi, nowhere near like a man should feel, and have an urge to listen to Tupac and M.C. Hammer. 0 Bottles

Old English 800--This is one of the more popular choices in the mult-faceted malt liquor family. It has a smooth, rich taste which goes down without a fight. It leaves you with a satisfied feeling long after the beaver is gone. Rumor has it that the folks at OE were the first ones to market a 40-once malt liquor beverage. For this they will suffer eternal damnation. 3 Solid Bottles

Private Stock--Always on the shelf with it's malt brothers, this beverage is rarely purchased and sits unloved next to it's more better-recognized brethren. Perching there quietly, usually well-behaved and almost always forgotten, the closest it ever comes being purchased is when the consumer states, "I think I'll try Private Stock. No I won't." .5 Bottles--
Private Stock has very few friends and personality traits akin to orphans.

Schlitz Ice/ Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull--A slightly watery, somewhat-easy-to-drink beverage, this does nothing to change the fact that this was the crap John Travolta used to drink. In short: this is your Daddy's malt liquor. If you wanna drink with the old guys who play chess in the park, then this is your beer. 2 Bottles.

St. Ides--Just because Ice Cube and Snoop endorse this stuff does not mean you have to buy it. Here at the website, we are convinced there is a melted metallic substance within the juices of this beverage which should never enter the body. A 40 ounce of this demonic sauce, however, will have you feeling like you just smoked crack, and that's not all bad. 4.5 Bottles, If you're short a few clams for your daily vile of crack.
Steel Reserve 211--A new member on the malt liquor scene, you can purchase close to two liters of this stuff for about a dollar. Introduced to the masses in the early 1990s, this stuff is great for the quick-fix, gotta-get-on-your-way, do-the-damage-you-gotta-do-sorta-job. It's also real fine on the wallet. If you actually carry a wallet, 5 Bottles.

Mitchell Fink of the Daily News prefers his Steel Reserve on ice.

Wonder what this guys drinks?

Can I have some of your Lazer?

It appears this would be a
good beverage to take into combat.

This Elephant often sings, "I'm comin' to get ya, comin' to get ya, drink me drink me drink me 'cause I'm comin' to get YA!

Looks nice, but is still panty waste