some humorous stuff i've stumbled upon
hole in one
Irish Daycare
If men and women swapped genitals
Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina...
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:
10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2 Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...
1. Repeat number 9.
~~~~~At the post in today's race are~~~~~
1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Dick
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry
~~~~~And they're off~~~~~
Conscience is left behind at the post.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a very dangerous spot.
~~~~~At the Halfway Mark~~~~~
It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open, and Big Dick is pressed in. Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. It's Big Dick giving everything he's got.
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great
price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear
Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is
having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to
her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens
at dinner tonight, don't say a word," She tells him," Our family had a
fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the
first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are
piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So
Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on
the table and drills her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a
little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when
he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a
repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and
her mother a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the
table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table
and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY. I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"
thanx to jonathan :)
"those pants look great...but they'd look better on my bedroom floor"
"hi i'm ________....that's so you know name to be screaming later"
"if i could rearrange the alphabet...i'd put u and i together"
"i lost my number...can i have yours?"
"nice shoes...wanna fuck?" (all time #1)
"secure a place in heaven....take my virginity"
"fuck me if i'm wrong...but you wanna sleep with me"
"why don't you sit on my lap...and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up"
"are you irish?" "yes" "would you like a lil more in ya?"
"that must've hurt" "what?" "your fall from heaven"
"you must be tired" "why?" "cuz u've been running through my mind all day"
"can i borrow a quarter? i gotta tell my mom i found the girl of my dreams"
"can i tickle your bellybutton from the inside?"
"can you suck a golfball through a 50 foot garden hose?"
"roses are red, violets are blue, i like spaghetti, so let's fuck"
"i wanna wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag"
"if we were squirrels, could i bust a nut in your hole?"
"are your pants off? no? i must be seeing the future"
"i was just about to go masturbate and i needed a name for your face"
"do you have a mirror in your pants? cuz i can see myself in 'em"
"are you busy tonight at 3:00AM?"
"didn't i use to always pull your ponytail in grammar school?"
"excuse me, do you think you might possibly have a mutual friend who could introduce us?"
"hi there! do you wanna see something really swell?"
"i have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?"
"was your father an alien? because there's nothing else like you on earth!" (yuck!)
"you know, you might be asked to leave soon. you're making the other women look really bad."
"do you have a map? i just keep on getting lost in your eyes"
"i like every muscle in your body, especially mine"
"would you carry my books for me?"
"my lips are registered weapons"
"if you need a love doctor, i have a medicated degree"
"if you ever had sex with a machine, that's what it's like with me.....cuz i'm like a sex machine.
"hey, are you one of those chics who goes out with guys right off the bat? cuz that's what i'm looking for"
"should i call you for breakfast or will you like cook it for me?"
"so,how long have you been on *this* merry-go-round?"
"i'd really like to lick apricot brandy out of your navel"
"hi, i'm big brother and i've been watching you..."
"where have you been all my life?"
"you shouldn't run around looking like that or one of us sex-starved young men might attack you"
"lie down....i think i love you"
"if i told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"
"i can sense that you're a terrific lover, and it intimidates me a little"
"let's have breakfast together; shall i call you or nudge you?"
"I bet you have delicious thighs"
"if you went swimming with me, i'd lick you dry"
"do you believe in love at first sight? how about the synchronocity of multiple orgasms?"
"i've just received government funding for a four-hour expedition to find your g-spot"
"not only am i rude and tasteless and trying to get you into bed, but i'm also being paid for it"
"i know a great way to burn off the 300 calories in that pastry you just ate"
"i'm learning latin; would you like to come home with me and help me practice oral declinsions?"
"you've got nice tits; wanna fuck?"
"nice dress/pants, can i talk you out of it?"
"is your daddy a thief? no? then who stole those diamonds and put them in your eyes?"
"mmmm, you bring new meaning to the word 'edible'"
"your face or mine?"
"i love you. i want to marry you. now fuck my brains out."
"forget that! playing doctor is for kids! let's play gynecologist!"
"i'd look good on you"
"aren't we supposed to get together for a candlelight dinner later tonight?"
"hi, i just moved to this city and was wondering if you could recommend a good restaurant here. would you also like to join me?"
"fancy a fuck?"
"i had a wet dream about you last night. would you like to make it a reality?"
"my face is leaving in 15 minutes. be on it"
"excuse me, but would you like an orally stimulated orgasm?"
"i'd like to get something straight between us" (and then look at your you know......
"i had sex with someone last night...was that you?"
"what did you say? oh, i thought you were talking to me"
"what would you do if i kissed you right now?"
"can i please be your slave tonight?"
"you should be someone's wife"
"i have a single"
"hi, i'm a fashion photographer...would you like to be in my next photo shoot?"
"you know, you're very easy on the eyes...and very hard on my erection"
"what can I do to make you mine?"
"can i buy you a drink or do you just want the money?"
"when's our wedding date?"
"hey baby, let's go make some babies"
"would you like gin and platonic, or do you prefer scotch and sofa?"
"miss, if you've lost your virginity, can i have the box it came in?"
"if this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib"
"i'll suck you so hard that you'll have to pick the sheets out of your ass when i'm finished"
"picture this, you, me, bubble baths, and a bottle of champagne"
"no, i'm not a cop...what can i get for fifty bucks?"
"excuse me, i'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab home together?"
"hello, love, do you spit or swallow?"
"shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?"
"nice tits...mind if i feel them?"
didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! i thought you knew..."
"cogratulations! you've been voted "most beautiful girl in this room" and the grand prize is a night with me!"
"i am writing a new algorithm, and i need some test data...what are your measurements?"
"excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers?" "no" "well, then, allow me to introduce myself"
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked
robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in
because it's too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in
tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was having a wee and this
bullet came out." replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and
explains what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears.
"Mom, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells
her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.
A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the
mom, "I know what happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out."
And the boy says, "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to
find his mother taking a bath. He points at her
bush and asks, 'What's that Mommy?'
A little embarassed, she tells him that is is her
sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and
goes back to playing with his toys. Some time
later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower
shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini
season. Tommy asks her, 'Where is your sponge
mommy?'
Again embarassed she tells him that she lost it
but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little
worried and promises his mommy that he will help
her find it. His mother says OK and goes back to
showering. Soon, Tommy comes running back in and
says that he has found his mother's sponge.
'What do you mean you found my sponge? Where?'
'The lady next door has it and she's washing
Daddy's face with it!'
A newlywed couple was relaxing at the beach. Suddenly the woman jumps up
and starts yelling, "something just flew into my vagina! Do something!"
The husband rushes her to a local hospital where an x-ray is performed on
her. A few minutes later her doctor comes back with the results. "Mrs.
Davis, apparently a wasp flew into you, but fear not, there is a simple
solution." He discusses it quietly with the husband, "all you do is rub
some honey on the head of your penis, insert it and as soon as you feel
the wasp yank your penis out and the wasp should fly out."
Due to the stressful situation, the husband could not get hard, so the
doctor said, "Due to the circumstances, why don't I do the deed?" After
discussing the matter, the couple agreed that there is no other choice. So
the doctor removed his clothes, rubbed the honey and penetrated her, then
he began thrusting in and out, faster and faster. The husband grabbed him
and yelled, "What the fuck are you doing?" To which the doctor replied,
"Change of plan. I decided to drown the bastard!"
Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the fuck's he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what revenge, you're on the rag.
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
A man went to the doctors one day and said, "Doctor I have a problem.
There's a red ring around my dick!" After inspecting the problem, the
doctor gave the man some pills and said, "Take two of these three times a
day. Come back next week so I can see the results." The next week the guy
came back and said that the pills didn't work so the doctor gave him some
medicine. "Take a table spoon of this twice a day and come back next
week." The next week the guy came back and the medicine hadn't worked. So
the doctor gave the guy some cream, "Rub this cream on the red ring every
day and then come back to see me." A week after that the guy came back and
said, "Wow! That stuff really worked! What was it?" And the doctor said,
"It was my wifes lipstick remover."
NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)
LOCATION: Throughout the world
DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with
extra layers of skin). Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly
venomous spit (spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet). Size varies from
3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.
SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen,
resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by
excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal.
Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!
HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the
most unusual places.
ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the
venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete
recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the
venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as
the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so
far has not been reported to have led to any success.
SEARCHING FOR ANTI-VENOM:
1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile,
with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid
and start spitting. The time taken for this milking process depends
entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
4. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.
CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not
necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a
wonderful pet.
A little boy was passing his parent's bedroom, stared in and said, "And
you have the nerve to slap me for sucking my thumb!"
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Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.
~~~~~At The Stretch~~~~~
Big Dick is making a final drive.
Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming. ~~~~~At The Finish~~~~~
Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat, but Big Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head.
Bare Belly Shows.
Thighs weakens.
Heavy Bosom pulls up.
Clean Sheets never had a chance.
Cheesy Pick-up Lines
Oral Sex-An Ode to Love
