If you're like us, then you have a lot of friends. If you're even more like us, then your friends seem to be getting married a lot lately. Marriage is after all, one of the seven deadly sins, oh wait, that's not it, it's one of the eight natural wonders, or it's one of the Phoenix kids. Anyway, some of us got to thinking, "How would I propose to my future wife? How could I capture my feelings, and my thoughts in a moment that will be remembered and quoted in painful detail by my wife for years to come at numberous family gatherings." Here are some great ways to "pop the question" (if you haven't done it already)....
- Get down on one knee, grab your beloved by the hand, gaze longingly into her eyes and say, "We have something special and I want to grow old with you ...........because it amazes me how ugly old people get and I'd love to have a controlled case study to refer to."
- You are the girl for me. I don't need to look any further, in you I see my partner, in you I see my love, with you I see our life. In you I see someone who better not get fat, in you I see, initially, consistent sex and then it will tail off but I'll still be able to get some without any great effort. Because after this whole marriage thing ....good-bye singles scene, good-bye chronic masturbation. Game? Don't have one, don't need one, you make me want to stop talking to girls, you make me think marriage is a good idea. Will you marry me?
- Honey...in this crazy, mixed up world, there ain't much that a man can really believe in anymore...what with bicycles and all their fancy doo-dads, and who even can keep up with the ideas coming out of the wallpaper industry....but baby, if there's one thing I know...it's that I'm really average looking, at best, and my future is questionable. Screwed is basically the word for me, and I'd love for you to be my co-pilot as I go down in the fiery plane of life....
- Let's face it, neither one of us is getting any younger, what with the intricate workings of the time space continuum. Can you say continuum sweetie? Anyway I think we have something really special and it's only gonna get better once your allowed into R-rated movies. So why don't you go home and have your parents sign this little piece of paper and let's do this thing.
- I would like to spend the rest of my life making you as happy as you have made me. I'd like to start by spontaneously blowing you ....oh wait you never did that .....ever. Yeah let's make this partnership legal so I can continue to beg for sex from the lady who lives with me and cleans my shorts. Well?
- Please dear, take my hand in marriage, I'd like to share my life with you and then after we get divorced I'd like to continue sharing my life with you, along with my pay check, and most of all, my dignity. What do you say, how does that sound?
- You: Knock Knock
Her: Who's there?
You: A Wedding Proposal!
(silent pause)
You: Knock Knock
Her: Who's there?
You: The same guy who was at the door before but now I'm just pissed that you haven't let me in.
- I love you, if that's what it takes. I need you, if that's what you need to hear. You are so annoyingly old fashioned, I mean, who waits until their married to have sex anymore? Ummm........er...I mean, we do, that's who. Anyway you are you are the hottest girl I have ever seen, I mean it's ridiculous how freakin hot you are. So to bang you, I'll marry the crap out of you. Dear sweet piece of ass, will you marry me and provide me with a honeymoon's worth of stories to tell my buddies? Please.
- You know I wasn't going to make a big deal about it, but then I thought to myself. "Wait, Jim, Jimbo.....this girl has been there for me since day one. She has been my partner, my confidant, my best friend....my lover". In your company I could always find someone who enjoyed me for who I was, not just because I was in an awesome cover band. I mean you saw past that, you were genuine, true, you were real. We have been dating for a long time now, but yet each year our bond grows stronger. I want you to be with only me from this day on and for the rest of our lives. And Ginger, these are the reasons I am about to do what I am going to do right now. Oh, and the fact that you are pregnant too, and your dad would like totally kill us, him being a minister and all. Will you marry me?
