Well, I think I’ve said this before, but once again I find myself shocked to find that people are actually visiting my web-page!  Amazing, isn’t it?  I think I’ve discovered the secret though…  They’re probably clicking on the link from Helen’s blog.  Then they get to my page and get confused, click the back button and that’s the end of it. 

 

I’m not really in the mood to write right now.  I think that’s a sure sign that this is either going to be very short or very bad.  Possibly both.  I’ve been really out of it lately.  It’s not like I’m doing anything terribly unhealthy.  I’ve been getting like 7 or 8 hours of sleep most of the time, which isn’t enough for me but also isn’t so bad compared to what some people do to themselves.  I’ve just been spacing out all of the time.  Forgetting about what I’m doing or who might be watching.  Today in counseling one of my students was like, “Hey, are you okay?”

 

Last night I had one of the longest dreams that I can remember.  Long in terms of the length of time it seemed to have been running.  A full day pretty much.  I was over at Andy’s I think, just lounging about, laying on the couch.  It was warm and summery and sunny.  The couch was sort of outside… you know how dreams are.

 

I was just laying around, dimly aware that I was blowing off work.  I really didn’t care though at first.  I was pretty content.  But then all of a sudden it hit me – wait a minute!  I really like my job.  I’ve got a pretty sweet deal going.  It’s easy, the hours are short, I get the summers off…  But this is the kind of thing that people get fired for.  Even on the first time.  You can’t just decide, “you know, work can wait for another day.”

 

So I started freaking out.  It was like three o’clock in the afternoon by then.  I started thinking I really had to go to work, even to just make an appearance for a few hours.  That way I could at least deal with any problems right away and maybe if people saw me they’d never even put together that I hadn’t been there all day.

 

I was vaguely aware that I smelled and wasn’t as presentable as I try to be for work, but I figured there was no time.  I got to work and shit was weird.  The rooms were all plastered up and there was construction all over the place.  They had moved many of the offices to other nearby buildings.  I figured I was lucky because it was likely that with things so chaotic no one would have thought anything was up if they couldn’t get ahold of me.  On the other hand, I was worried that maybe I missed something pretty important, given I had no idea what was going on.

 

I started thinking about how I’ve been slacking an awful lot at work and I really need to get my shit together.  Suddenly I was startled from sleep by a loud knock.  I felt really rested and the sun was bright and I got scared that I had really slept through work and someone was knocking on my door to look for me.

 

After a terrifying moment, I looked at the clock and it was ten minutes before my clock was set to go off.  It was one of the maintenance guys that always stops by the office of the new girl across the hall.  They’re always finding something to fix over there – it’s pretty funny now that I’ve started noticing it.  The rest of the staff does it too.  In a staff meeting she was sitting by herself and I noticed that the young men of the faculty would wait for their turn to talk to her.  One at a time.  Wait till the one before you gets done, then go up and take your turn.

 

I can’t talk to a girl without falling in love with her.  What does that say about me?  Is it a bad thing?  Some kind of male dominated society sort of thing where I can only see women in one light?  I hope not.  I really haven’t had that many women as friends, I guess.  I wish that would change.  I’ve never really had very many interracial friends either, come to think of it.  I’m pretty hard on myself for that.  I’m sure it’s not because I look down on anyone for their sex or color.  It’s just scary, I guess, to be in a situation with people you’re not used to.  That’s it. 

 

I wish I could take on the persona of just being really interested in somebody.  Or in everybody.  Go up to some of the students at the college here and just be friendly and open.  Not let my fears get in the way.  Have my body language and my actions say, I’m interested in getting to know you and it’s important to me.

 

In a way I have a good opportunity here, living at a college with a very diverse population.  Today I was thinking that it would be easier if only I had one friend here.  We could banter in line at the cafeteria and I would turn to those around me and include them.  Meet them that way.  But while that may be true to some degree, I know that in another way it’s just justification.  It would be better if…   But I take a little heart from Mike telling me that when he was here he thought that there was something wrong with him because he never made any friends, but when he left and went to Columbia he made tons of friends right away.  I try to keep telling myself that it’s only the situation.  I would have more friends if only I were in a different place.  But I wonder if that’s true.  Shouldn’t I be able to make friends wherever I am?  If I’m really open to what’s around me, shouldn’t I have an impact on the environment around me to make it what I want?  Huh?

 

Well, that’s the question.  Because I’m lonely.  I’m depressed and I feel like I’m really not going anywhere.  I’ve been trying to make friends, but it really hasn’t been working terribly well.  But then I’m in a different situation from most of the people around me.  I work during the day and then I’ve got free time.  I don’t have homework or classes at night.  I don’t have a family or a girlfriend waiting for me at home.  I just have tons of free time.

 

I had a fantasy today that I was walking with my boss and I told him “Look, I know that professionally this is an awesome place for me to be.  I don’t think there could be a job anywhere that I like better, but I’m depressed as hell.  I have no friends.  That’s all I want is friends.  I want to feel like I’m doing something worthwhile with my free time.  I want to share my experiences with someone.  You and your family have been wonderful, but it’s just not enough.  No job can give me what I need right now.  I just need people around me who love me.”

 

And then I’d tell him, “if  you want to disagree with me, if you think I should really stay, then you don’t understand.  So if that’s what you want to say, stop and think about it a little bit.  Ask me questions.  Try to understand.  Don’t just dismiss it.  Don’t try to convince me otherwise.”

 

But I won’t.  Not yet.  We’ll see I guess.  There are definitely certain opportunities here that I’ll see if I’m strong enough to take.  If not, well, this summer I’ll see what it’s like to do something else.  And let’s see if I come back early or not at all.