You know, i've always had the
fear that i wouldn't be good enough for the person i was with. i think it's a fairly common fear. Just generalized self-doubt. Now finally i think i see the positive side
of it. That I tend to look at people
and see the good in them. I look at
them and say, wow, this person is so great - what the hell are they doing
hanging out with little old me?
That second part is, of course,
the problem. But it's not even such a
bad question in itself. Why does this
person want to be around me? I don't
feel that great. I guess the two
possible answers are 1) they haven't
figured out the truth yet... or 2)
gosh, they really like me.
There's the crucial point.
Thinking that first one has been so terrible. It IS so terrible... It
keeps a person struggling to hide things, trying to act different than they
want to. Lying, covering things up,
being unhappy and trapped inside their lies.
The fact is, though, that a
life is damn complicated. Even the
simplest life is a symphony of emotions and thoughts and perceptions. Even the smallest interaction is overflowing
with subtleties and musings. And the
fact is: nobody could make up a
life. Sure, you could make up the outer
appearance, but even that would be difficult.
Life is just way too complicated.
Who even knows him or herself
completely? I mean, even if a person is
trying as hard as possible to be absolutely true and natural, there's still an
awful lot to figure out. How can you
try to imitate life if you can't even understand it for real?
And i think that's why a lot of
people are so unhappy. Because they
answer that question of "why does this wonderful person want to be around
me?" with "they haven't figured out the truth yet." And then comes the trying to hide who you really
are. Trying to talk differently, trying
to like different music, trying to be cool.
Trying to never be sad. Not
saying what you were thinking because you pre-judge yourself out of fear that
the other person will judge you too.
When you're trying to invent
who you are, you're never going to be able to do it as well as just being who
you are. It's going to get
complicated. It's going to get out of
control. You're going to have to cover
up your mistakes, make more mistakes trying to cover them up and cover them up
too. It's exhausting. It takes sooo much energy.
It's related to god/spirit
too. Life is an unbelievably
complicated place. Human life is
complicated. The earth is complicated. Existance is complicated, the universe is
complicated - Infinitely so. Right down
to everything being made up of energy and motion and what is creating that
energy? What is that energy
anyway?
The really cool thing
is... we all get to experience this
whole complex, infinite wonderful thing without having to hold it all
together. You don't have to invent the
sunset - it just happens! You don't
have to imagine grass and trees and whole languages, oceans and microscopic
organisms, cosmic dust and intersecting dimensions.
It's the same way with who you
are, even though it may not seem like it.
A person is an amazing creature.
You will absorb the energy of everything you are near. Everything you see, hear smell, touch. Every idea you encounter. Ever other personality you experience
becomes a part of you. And you are a
conglomerate of everything and everyone you have experienced. And so is everyone around you.
Would you look down on anyone
for who they've been exposed to? We
have this idea that a person is responsible for who they are. Free will.
I think that by definition there is no such thing. And that is not a bad thing!!
It means you can't judge
anybody. It means you can't be
judged. It means that if you don't like
who you are, you need to change your environment. Be around different people.
Different things, Different ideas.
We are all taking what we have
been exposed to and making it a part of ourselves. We recombine everything in new ways and spit it back out. There's no such thing as creativity. Just where you've been and what it makes you
do to express it. Just the way the
people around you draw out what you've sucked into yourself in your lifetime.
And the whole time, we get to
watch ourselves try to figure it
out. You get to be aware of the whole
process. To be interested in someone
else. You can say, hmmm... I wonder
what makes them that way? I wonder how
I would fit with that person. You get
to try them all out.
So chances are, if you've been
trying to be someone - you're doing a pretty crappy job. And if someone likes the person you're
trying to be - they'd probably really love the person you really are.
So there's the other
answer. Maybe this person really likes
me. Then you can really like them
too. Then the relationship isn't
stressful. You don't have to think so
much about how you're fitting into the role you made for yourself. You can just do whatever and see what
happens.
